(no subject)
I didn't realize the complete truth of today until just now. Pre-sleeping mode opens up my mind to a whole new world of thought.
I forgot that the sentencing was yesterday. He got life with parole. I saw his picture on the front page of the Howard section of the Sun and was a little thrown off. Then I opened the paper to see Erik's face and quote and I started crying. He was right. Now it won't end. Knowing that someday he could be released and allowed to live his life. It just doesn't seem fair. Ben didn't get a second chance at life because of good behavior. His destiny was stolen from him. It's not fair. All I could think of today when I was alone was Ben, and Chris, and Erik, and Kevin, and Ben's parents. I flashed back to the viewing, to Midsummer rehearsals, to the memorial, to everything. It's been so long since I've had a day like today. It took a long time to get passed it all and understand how I felt about everything. I guess today was just a relapse. The hardest part of my day was watching John's reaction to the news. He also forgot about the sentencing. He really wanted to be there when the sentence was handed down. I couldn't say anything when he read the article or the few minutes after he read it. We both knew that it was bullshit, so there wasn't much to say. I felt almost helpless, watching him read the paper. I do feel helpless. John was much closer to Ben than I was, but I still feel the same as he does. When I'm around the people who were closest to Ben, I feel like I almost don't have the right to feel upset. It puts me in an awkward position.
I'm scared about having days like today while I'm at school. They don't happen often, but when they do, I need to be with people who understand or, at least, can bare with me. Here at home, I'm surrounded by people who shared this ordeal with me and understand how it affects you. But I've noticed that people outside of the situation, those who knew what happened but went to another school, treat the situation so flippantly. I'll never forget this:
(while at an audition for Children of Eden, just a few months after Ben's death)
Guy: "What school do you go to?"
Me: "Centennial."
Guy: "Oh! Is that where that kid, like, died or something?"
Me (not wanting to talk about it): "Yeah."
Guy: "Oh. Wasn't he killed? Did you know him?"
Me (getting angry at how nonchalantly this random guy is asking me these questions): "Yes. I was in a play with him and we had a lot of mutual friends."
Guy: "Oh. That sucks. Sorry." (turns away from me to talk to his buddy next to him)
From that moment on, I realized that, to everyone else, Ben's death was just another horror story on the news. They don't understand the amount of pain and anguish involved in such an incident. They don't understand how heartbreaking it is to watch some of your best friends break down for months because of the pain we went through. They don't understand what it's like to see people you love and care about, who once were happy and carefree, become hard and angry. We never thought it could happen, but it did. One of those random and seemingly distant 2 minute murder stories on the news unraveled right before our eyes. To us, it's real. To everyone else, it's still just a news story they'll forget in 10 minutes.
So much has changed since January 2003. And yet, the feelings are still the same. I still try to find the good out of all of the bad. Whenever I have days like today, I try my best to appreciate everything good in my life, especially if was indirectly affected by Ben. I know that may sound sadistic, but it makes sense. I don't want to think that Ben died in vain. I want to believe that his death served a greater purpose than just to cause pain. He made us aware of our lives. I learned so much about myself over the past year and a half. I know what true friends are. I learned that life is too precious to live incorrectly. I realized that I had to take my destiny into my hands and find what makes me happy. I still believe that Ben helped me find John. When I think of Ben, and when John comes up during my thought process, I feel happy and guilty. Blessed and selfish. It's hard to explain. I think Ben looked down at us and blessed us. And that fills me with joy. I always secretly felt like Ben brought us together and made sure that we had each other. But the times when John misses Ben and I'm holding him, I feel like in order to have me, John had to lose Ben. And that's when I feel guilty or selfish. I understand that it sounds irrational. I know it's pretty irrational.
It's been a long day. I've been sick and privately emotional. I think I'm going to hop in the shower, cool off, and pass out before a long day of work tomorrow. Sigh.
I forgot that the sentencing was yesterday. He got life with parole. I saw his picture on the front page of the Howard section of the Sun and was a little thrown off. Then I opened the paper to see Erik's face and quote and I started crying. He was right. Now it won't end. Knowing that someday he could be released and allowed to live his life. It just doesn't seem fair. Ben didn't get a second chance at life because of good behavior. His destiny was stolen from him. It's not fair. All I could think of today when I was alone was Ben, and Chris, and Erik, and Kevin, and Ben's parents. I flashed back to the viewing, to Midsummer rehearsals, to the memorial, to everything. It's been so long since I've had a day like today. It took a long time to get passed it all and understand how I felt about everything. I guess today was just a relapse. The hardest part of my day was watching John's reaction to the news. He also forgot about the sentencing. He really wanted to be there when the sentence was handed down. I couldn't say anything when he read the article or the few minutes after he read it. We both knew that it was bullshit, so there wasn't much to say. I felt almost helpless, watching him read the paper. I do feel helpless. John was much closer to Ben than I was, but I still feel the same as he does. When I'm around the people who were closest to Ben, I feel like I almost don't have the right to feel upset. It puts me in an awkward position.
I'm scared about having days like today while I'm at school. They don't happen often, but when they do, I need to be with people who understand or, at least, can bare with me. Here at home, I'm surrounded by people who shared this ordeal with me and understand how it affects you. But I've noticed that people outside of the situation, those who knew what happened but went to another school, treat the situation so flippantly. I'll never forget this:
(while at an audition for Children of Eden, just a few months after Ben's death)
Guy: "What school do you go to?"
Me: "Centennial."
Guy: "Oh! Is that where that kid, like, died or something?"
Me (not wanting to talk about it): "Yeah."
Guy: "Oh. Wasn't he killed? Did you know him?"
Me (getting angry at how nonchalantly this random guy is asking me these questions): "Yes. I was in a play with him and we had a lot of mutual friends."
Guy: "Oh. That sucks. Sorry." (turns away from me to talk to his buddy next to him)
From that moment on, I realized that, to everyone else, Ben's death was just another horror story on the news. They don't understand the amount of pain and anguish involved in such an incident. They don't understand how heartbreaking it is to watch some of your best friends break down for months because of the pain we went through. They don't understand what it's like to see people you love and care about, who once were happy and carefree, become hard and angry. We never thought it could happen, but it did. One of those random and seemingly distant 2 minute murder stories on the news unraveled right before our eyes. To us, it's real. To everyone else, it's still just a news story they'll forget in 10 minutes.
So much has changed since January 2003. And yet, the feelings are still the same. I still try to find the good out of all of the bad. Whenever I have days like today, I try my best to appreciate everything good in my life, especially if was indirectly affected by Ben. I know that may sound sadistic, but it makes sense. I don't want to think that Ben died in vain. I want to believe that his death served a greater purpose than just to cause pain. He made us aware of our lives. I learned so much about myself over the past year and a half. I know what true friends are. I learned that life is too precious to live incorrectly. I realized that I had to take my destiny into my hands and find what makes me happy. I still believe that Ben helped me find John. When I think of Ben, and when John comes up during my thought process, I feel happy and guilty. Blessed and selfish. It's hard to explain. I think Ben looked down at us and blessed us. And that fills me with joy. I always secretly felt like Ben brought us together and made sure that we had each other. But the times when John misses Ben and I'm holding him, I feel like in order to have me, John had to lose Ben. And that's when I feel guilty or selfish. I understand that it sounds irrational. I know it's pretty irrational.
It's been a long day. I've been sick and privately emotional. I think I'm going to hop in the shower, cool off, and pass out before a long day of work tomorrow. Sigh.