(no subject)
I never knew that this relapse would be so fast and so hard. 18lbs in just under 7 weeks. Plus a host of physical complications that make me realise: this is not as manageable as I thought.
I may once have been able to function in the 13s. I may once have been younger and less broken by successive relapses. But it is pointless to cling to these memories of a different person, a different body and a different time.
Warning bells sound. Concussion after a collapse. A night in A&E, hazy after twenty lapses of consciousness in less than two hours out. The odd tight pinching of the chest during the night and the furious grope for the pulse.
In just over two months, I have exams. I don't want to take the year out. Vocationally, it casts a huge hole in my plans; culturally my family would never understanding; personally it would give me an absence in my life and no goal towards which to strive.
My lack of physical stability worries me the most. My weight has been lower, but has crossed the threshold of moderate risk. I have orthostatic hypotension. My rate of loss is worrying and my method more terrifying. For the past two months, I have slid into eating almost nothing, passing through checkpoints of liquids only, involuntary purging and now, a full-blown phobia.
A week ago, I furthered my restriction to three types of food a day. After twice almost choking as I involuntarily threw up and throwing a fit over nutritionals in Sainsbury's, I now only have one: a single brand of individually wrapped hard candy. What better than an item that gives instant energy and melts before it hits one's stomach. Preservation of that emptiness and can't be rejected.
I need to work on a lot, I know. My priority right now is to be stable enough to take exams, no matter how that is best achieved. Hopefully from there, the motivation to work on the others will fall into place and, for the first time in ten years, I'm hoping to be on the way to normality. I can't imagine a better birthday present.
I have an assessment and meeting to discuss the way forward next Thursday. Think of me. I'm as ready for recovery as I'll ever be, and I just want the very best shot possible offered :)
I may once have been able to function in the 13s. I may once have been younger and less broken by successive relapses. But it is pointless to cling to these memories of a different person, a different body and a different time.
Warning bells sound. Concussion after a collapse. A night in A&E, hazy after twenty lapses of consciousness in less than two hours out. The odd tight pinching of the chest during the night and the furious grope for the pulse.
In just over two months, I have exams. I don't want to take the year out. Vocationally, it casts a huge hole in my plans; culturally my family would never understanding; personally it would give me an absence in my life and no goal towards which to strive.
My lack of physical stability worries me the most. My weight has been lower, but has crossed the threshold of moderate risk. I have orthostatic hypotension. My rate of loss is worrying and my method more terrifying. For the past two months, I have slid into eating almost nothing, passing through checkpoints of liquids only, involuntary purging and now, a full-blown phobia.
A week ago, I furthered my restriction to three types of food a day. After twice almost choking as I involuntarily threw up and throwing a fit over nutritionals in Sainsbury's, I now only have one: a single brand of individually wrapped hard candy. What better than an item that gives instant energy and melts before it hits one's stomach. Preservation of that emptiness and can't be rejected.
I need to work on a lot, I know. My priority right now is to be stable enough to take exams, no matter how that is best achieved. Hopefully from there, the motivation to work on the others will fall into place and, for the first time in ten years, I'm hoping to be on the way to normality. I can't imagine a better birthday present.
I have an assessment and meeting to discuss the way forward next Thursday. Think of me. I'm as ready for recovery as I'll ever be, and I just want the very best shot possible offered :)