ten things i'd like to say...
List ten things I want to say to ten people, but know I never will.
Dear Reader:
-Don't say who they are.
-Feel free to comment, but I won't be confirming your speculations.
-Never discuss it again outside this post.
***
--I'm still not happy with what happened this summer. We messed things up in a big way, and I still blame you for acting like you were twelve. I am glad that you finally called and apologized. I have no regrets about anything ... but I'm more than content that you are *completely* out of my life now.
--I wish we were still friends like we used to be. I understand that you had to work all break, but I really really wished you'd come to see me. Or at least returned my phone calls. It kind of hurt.
--I love you and I miss you, even though you act headstrong at times and need to learn to chill. Pick your battles wisely. I tried to show you how before I left, but maybe you didn't get what I was attempting to show. Relax more, stress less. Sorry, but it some respects it's just not going to get easier. Also, don't mess up stuff now. I didn't do anything to screw you over, so you had better behave. And I'm jealous because it seems that everything possible is going to be done to get you to where you want to go. I know that we just didn't know how to play it to my advantage, but know they do, and they'll use it to help you do what I could not, and possibly go where I could not after your senior year. I almost hate it that you'll profit from seeing me fail at achieving this one thing.
--I want you to respect me as a human being. After the 8th grade, you acted like I wasn't cool enough to hang out with you. I'm not a moron, I saw it, and it hurt. We used to be such close friends, then you had a change of heart, and while it was ok for you to ramble on for twenty minutes, I couldn't talk in a conversation for more than three. And senior year, you were intolerably obnoxious.
--I'm scared for you. I honestly don't understand how things happened, how one of us could be where you are now. I still love you and want so badly to still be a close friend, but things have changed, and I openly acknowledge that. I dreamed that I would be at your funeral. Please stop making such stupid decisions. Please. And I would *love* to hear that there is forward progress planned for next fall. But you can still call me if you need me, and I wish you would sometime...I'd still love to here from my dear galpal.
--I hate the conversations we have, especially on the phone. You have to stop responding to my honestly interested questions with monosyllabic responses. I end up talking the whole time because I feel like you expect me to, but I have no idea if you're listening and I honestly hate dominating the conversation. When things drag on, you seem slightly disappointed that the call is over, and hesitant to say goodbye, and yet you don't offer anything further to talk about. Sometimes I feel relieved after we hang up.
--You don't have to impress me with hunches and random stuff. And you don't have to play tough and be strong in front of me. You've seen me looking pretty rough, but you didn't laugh or complain, even though I was getting snot on you. So don't ever imagine that I would think less of you for not being strong enough to stand alone 24/7. I love you already, and nothing will change that.
--You have always supported me, always been there. Thank you for that. Thank you also for being a fantastic role model, especially the tough years when you were sick. When I grow up, I want to be like you. But we both procrastinate, and I feel that this has hurt us. Pettily, I hold you responsible for my not being able to see The Lion King at the Hippodrome last summer. Still, I admire you spirit, your understanding of what is going on, and your uncanny ability to judge whether to stand your ground, fight, or let things blow over.
--You are one of the most obnoxious people I have *ever* met. In my entire life. In four trips abroad. During four summers at a sleep away camp. You are small-minded, petty, loud, foul, judgmental, boastful, an attention whore, insecure, not as smart as you think you are, spoiled, arrogant, rude, crude, shallow, and obsessed with how you look(and though you're a slave to what you call "fashion," the clothes you think are "in" don't flatter you the way you wear them). You treat other people horribly, including not respecting their rights, or even their existence as fellow human beings. Stop whining about your roommate never being in the room - relax, and enjoy, oh I don't know, the silence. She's quite nice, and rather smart, so she's probably avoiding you, not working extra hours. AND TURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING AWFUL MUSIC. you are neither black (kanye) nor 12 (boy bands).
--I am so thankful that you don't hate me. Because I'm not sure how I'd feel in your position, but actually, I'd probably enjoy it. Thank you for still including me, even if you're fairly certain I'll be gone. I'm so glad I met you, because you're funny, smart, and in possession of a wicked sense of humor. I love that we think alike, and have a few inside comments of our own. Also, I like that we can both be bad people, and then feel bad about it. Well, a little bit bad, but it sure was peaceful... You are just plain freakin awesome, and you made this year fun, as well as compensate for ...others... around us.
***
Dear Reader:
-Don't say who they are.
-Feel free to comment, but I won't be confirming your speculations.
-Never discuss it again outside this post.
***
--I'm still not happy with what happened this summer. We messed things up in a big way, and I still blame you for acting like you were twelve. I am glad that you finally called and apologized. I have no regrets about anything ... but I'm more than content that you are *completely* out of my life now.
--I wish we were still friends like we used to be. I understand that you had to work all break, but I really really wished you'd come to see me. Or at least returned my phone calls. It kind of hurt.
--I love you and I miss you, even though you act headstrong at times and need to learn to chill. Pick your battles wisely. I tried to show you how before I left, but maybe you didn't get what I was attempting to show. Relax more, stress less. Sorry, but it some respects it's just not going to get easier. Also, don't mess up stuff now. I didn't do anything to screw you over, so you had better behave. And I'm jealous because it seems that everything possible is going to be done to get you to where you want to go. I know that we just didn't know how to play it to my advantage, but know they do, and they'll use it to help you do what I could not, and possibly go where I could not after your senior year. I almost hate it that you'll profit from seeing me fail at achieving this one thing.
--I want you to respect me as a human being. After the 8th grade, you acted like I wasn't cool enough to hang out with you. I'm not a moron, I saw it, and it hurt. We used to be such close friends, then you had a change of heart, and while it was ok for you to ramble on for twenty minutes, I couldn't talk in a conversation for more than three. And senior year, you were intolerably obnoxious.
--I'm scared for you. I honestly don't understand how things happened, how one of us could be where you are now. I still love you and want so badly to still be a close friend, but things have changed, and I openly acknowledge that. I dreamed that I would be at your funeral. Please stop making such stupid decisions. Please. And I would *love* to hear that there is forward progress planned for next fall. But you can still call me if you need me, and I wish you would sometime...I'd still love to here from my dear galpal.
--I hate the conversations we have, especially on the phone. You have to stop responding to my honestly interested questions with monosyllabic responses. I end up talking the whole time because I feel like you expect me to, but I have no idea if you're listening and I honestly hate dominating the conversation. When things drag on, you seem slightly disappointed that the call is over, and hesitant to say goodbye, and yet you don't offer anything further to talk about. Sometimes I feel relieved after we hang up.
--You don't have to impress me with hunches and random stuff. And you don't have to play tough and be strong in front of me. You've seen me looking pretty rough, but you didn't laugh or complain, even though I was getting snot on you. So don't ever imagine that I would think less of you for not being strong enough to stand alone 24/7. I love you already, and nothing will change that.
--You have always supported me, always been there. Thank you for that. Thank you also for being a fantastic role model, especially the tough years when you were sick. When I grow up, I want to be like you. But we both procrastinate, and I feel that this has hurt us. Pettily, I hold you responsible for my not being able to see The Lion King at the Hippodrome last summer. Still, I admire you spirit, your understanding of what is going on, and your uncanny ability to judge whether to stand your ground, fight, or let things blow over.
--You are one of the most obnoxious people I have *ever* met. In my entire life. In four trips abroad. During four summers at a sleep away camp. You are small-minded, petty, loud, foul, judgmental, boastful, an attention whore, insecure, not as smart as you think you are, spoiled, arrogant, rude, crude, shallow, and obsessed with how you look(and though you're a slave to what you call "fashion," the clothes you think are "in" don't flatter you the way you wear them). You treat other people horribly, including not respecting their rights, or even their existence as fellow human beings. Stop whining about your roommate never being in the room - relax, and enjoy, oh I don't know, the silence. She's quite nice, and rather smart, so she's probably avoiding you, not working extra hours. AND TURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING AWFUL MUSIC. you are neither black (kanye) nor 12 (boy bands).
--I am so thankful that you don't hate me. Because I'm not sure how I'd feel in your position, but actually, I'd probably enjoy it. Thank you for still including me, even if you're fairly certain I'll be gone. I'm so glad I met you, because you're funny, smart, and in possession of a wicked sense of humor. I love that we think alike, and have a few inside comments of our own. Also, I like that we can both be bad people, and then feel bad about it. Well, a little bit bad, but it sure was peaceful... You are just plain freakin awesome, and you made this year fun, as well as compensate for ...others... around us.
***