(no subject)
I guess Aversion is one of those messed up ways of dealing with things. You can only run for so long before you grow tired and just put up that apathetic shell that you're so familiar with.
It's funny in a way. I remember that for months that I would just drive. Chasing nights of escape from my problems. Yeah, I know how they needed to be solved. Fully aware of what needed to be done so I could feel better. But life, it has those limitations that slip around you like a noose over your neck.
Those limitations, as hendering as they are remain there because let's face it. You've just only been in this world for about a year. You're stuck doing grunt work and having to fight for everything you have. Yet, somehow you also got your own challenges to deal with that go beyond the realm of financial matters.
Part of you just...what's the phrase? Lost hope or just faced facts?
Faced facts might be more operative. You cant lose hope. It's something you've had in you through the darkest of times. Hell, it's something that you've had painted on your skin. It's something that cant be muffed out no matter how bad things it.
But I digress. Talking to your dad you faced facts about things. You realized that the instant you leave. You might be setting flame to that bridge that ties you to your family. "I love you" might actually be done the instant you walk out of your door.
In way, a strange-almost masochistic way, you expected this. You know they are a product of a different culture. A different mindset. Different morals, ethics. Different life in general. So giving them something like this that forces them to either grow or stagnate was going to prove to be challenging. Of course, it's your life so half of the time the cards are thrown in the air and you're left to play things by ear.
Somehow, the moment you owned up to being gay. You just kind of set in stone what you always imagined fate would have in store for you. The fact that they will never really accept it or support it.
Having your father flat out tell you that he'd still love you as his son but wouldnt want to even acknowledge your gay life or even if you had one, your partner. Well, it was heartbreaking and you were depressed for a while. Slowly, that sadness ebbed away and your bitter resentment rose up. You told him. Told him how you felt. Or at least how they were making you felt. You gave an explanation as to why you avoided them. As to why you found solace being outside of the house instead of remaining confined in those four walls you call a room.
But he didnt understand it.
You doubt anyone will ever understand it. So you stomach it and you move on. That's the only thing you can do now.
You just keep telling yourself what the therapist told you many times: "You're gonna be ok."
In a way. The idea seems more difficult to you.
Ok.
Such a small almost easily thesible concept. But when you think about it. It's fucking hard. It's not "Fantastic" so, you dont have to constantly delude yourself into these falsified ideas of how you want things to be. And it's certainley not "Terrible". So you dont have to continue to play out the nightmare of how you fear things could end up as.
Ok, is the middle of those two concepts. It's like the balance in between fantasy and dread. It's reality. And to be honest, reality isnt that bad right now. Yeah, there are some downsides but things could be worse. The cards could have landed on the ground differently and you could have a different set of challenges to over come.
So, you're just trying to take things one at a time.
You lost the car. Yeah, you now have to ride in with your father to work. Yeah, you have to bike to school in the cold. But it could be worse. You could be in a position where the abuse from your childhood could've resurfaced and your body could be bruised, scared with belt marks and any movement would seem unbearable to you. That could be the worse outcome.
So, you just take that circumstnace in stride. You just set aside money and start saving for a car. Your mind focusing on something that can be your's and not something that can be taken away like a toy from a child that needs to be disciplined.
The battle for control. You know they have the upper hand. They know they have the upper hand. But slowly, they keep realizing that you're rebellious nature. That one trait that could've comed from your mother. A woman whose fallen from some paternal grace in your eyes.
They are realizing you're distancing yourself. Trying to break away. So, they do what they do best. They attack your heart and spirit. Warnings that your attitude is hurting others more than anything else. Warnings that if this were Guatemala or El Salvador you would've been beaten (or worse, killed) for being who you are. Accusations that you are undermining their authority, becoming some malicious person that doesnt care about people. Accusations that you arent a good person anymore.
What do you do? You take the hit. It stings, words like that always hurt you. Deep down, you're very sensitive. You take offense or hurt so easily sometimes that it scares you. But the drawback, it takes the right thing to hurt you. And your parents? Boy, do they know how to play the game or what?
So, what do you do?
You let go.
That's their issues. Not your's. For so long you tried to deal with their problems. That nurturing instinct something that cant be hidden in you. For so long you tried to carry the entire burden that the moment you found someone or someplace to let out that angst, you clang to it like it was going out of style.
But you know how that turned out.
People got angry at you when you turned cathartic venting into your petty whinning. You had to deal with more stress than wasnt needed. So, you slowly learned to let go.
If your family views you as some evil, malicious person. Whose deviant personality is the worst thing that could've been broughten upon your family name? Then you'll just deal with it.
You know you're a good person. Sometimes you have to battle yourself for so long to realize that small affirmation. You're a good person. You have your flaws, but you're human. To err, is to be yourself.
Your eyes groggily open every morning, body shifting tiredly in your bed. You wonder to yoruself when's the last time you actually had some real rest. A night where you dreamt and felt it could come true. Not having to settle for an idea of what feels to be more like "the next best thing" than what you wanted.
Pushing those depressing rants aside you clamour out of bed and go one with life. Your mind racing and planning. Ideas forming, Ideas ending when you note certain limitations. But you, you always had a way with things. A mysterious series of events that you just wrote off as being lucky. So, part of you hopes that that part of your life still remains. That with some careful planning and some blind luck, you'll turn out okay.
In your opinion: Life sucks right now. But something in your head. Hope or naive optimism, most likely. Something in you keeps telling you. Things are going to turn out ok. You have to go through hell before you can find peace. And right now, you're at the halfway point.
So, you wait. Swallowing down those feelings of sadness, hurt, loneliness and every other bit of angst and you just move on. Life is merely a turn of pages. Sometimes the page turns before the ink dries and you go onto your next part.
So, you continue moving on. Waiting for the page to turn. Because right now? This whole issue with your parents. You've been over it since your birthday. It's all a matter of them getting their heads out of their asses now.
--
I think I wont be able to make it to the Nintendo Fusion Tour. It sucks and to be honest I'm disappointed. If I cant find a car by then, I guess I wont be going.
The Simple Plan concert is on the 24th and I already figured I wont make it to that show either.
So, meh. I guess I'll deal