For Me
It's been a long time since I've written in this and sadly, about the safest place to do much of anything. This year has been tough, not financially, like I've been dealing with in the past couple of years. Not even physically, as the case so often is. I've settled on a happy medium for the time being, not eating as much, doing more walking- although my diet could still use a fair amount of work.
This uphill struggle is mentally; and no, I don't want help, wishes of goodwill or anything of the sort. It will make it worse, I can assure you. I have been tied down, rooted and claimed. I do not like it. Routine of several years has chained me and patterns are breaking the fiber of my being. Again, I do not like it.
I have grown, and the chains are stunting me, causing me to reach and bend to achieve the stars. I am caged.
Sometimes, sometimes the light comes through; and things are glorious and a smile will beam across my face. Truthful, Honest. My smile.
Not the fake one.
But it is too soon that the cage closes again, sending me to the dark, abysmal depths of my cage. It is littered with the bearings of my soul, things I'm being force to keep, quirks and flaws of my personality I wish to discard, change, move on from.
I am not allowed. I need change, I crave it.
I'm not allowed to actually have it, but we all know what would happen if I actually dared to make a move.We know what does happen when I so much attempt to change something.
______________
People change. I changed.
I changed a lot through high school- and continued still. My reality was shattered my first year of collage. The kind of shatter that I've never been able to really get over. I just made it a part of who I was. Two years on your own will do a lot to a person. It was a transition I wasn't ready for, because I was trying to take care of everyone else, and let my problems get much worse then they were. I'm not the person I was.
I take great stride to find a balance that works with my friends; but the scales were tipped long ago. The balance I once sought after is no longer a viable solution. I have needs, and things that I have to do. I don't care that people don't understand how important it is because they aren't in my situation. Just understand that it is very important to me; I deserve that much bloody respect.
I'm not saying that I need to cut off ties. I'm saying I need less.
There is no need to respond to everything I post/write/update, ect.
I don't need every one to know where I am every second of the day and what thought is going through my head at all times. I don't need guilt trips- I don't need people leaving me IM's wondering where I am when my away message is up. After all, it is an away message. I don't need people claiming my days off as soon as I mention them-- actually, it irritates me.
There is already so much that I do, and need to focus on, so excuse me if I'm flightier than hell because my brain is pulling me where it needs to go so that I am happy and not stressing as much. I'm going to fight tooth and nail for my sanity, and I'm not going to back down and keep my emotions in check anymore. I am not afraid to tell the world to fuck off. I will start ignoring any forms of communication and I will do whatever the hell I damn well please, whatever that may be. If you don't like it, you can deal with it.
I have talked with many people about things I've had issues with, at this point I understand my concerns to be heard and understod.
This uphill struggle is mentally; and no, I don't want help, wishes of goodwill or anything of the sort. It will make it worse, I can assure you. I have been tied down, rooted and claimed. I do not like it. Routine of several years has chained me and patterns are breaking the fiber of my being. Again, I do not like it.
I have grown, and the chains are stunting me, causing me to reach and bend to achieve the stars. I am caged.
Sometimes, sometimes the light comes through; and things are glorious and a smile will beam across my face. Truthful, Honest. My smile.
Not the fake one.
But it is too soon that the cage closes again, sending me to the dark, abysmal depths of my cage. It is littered with the bearings of my soul, things I'm being force to keep, quirks and flaws of my personality I wish to discard, change, move on from.
I am not allowed. I need change, I crave it.
I'm not allowed to actually have it, but we all know what would happen if I actually dared to make a move.We know what does happen when I so much attempt to change something.
______________
People change. I changed.
I changed a lot through high school- and continued still. My reality was shattered my first year of collage. The kind of shatter that I've never been able to really get over. I just made it a part of who I was. Two years on your own will do a lot to a person. It was a transition I wasn't ready for, because I was trying to take care of everyone else, and let my problems get much worse then they were. I'm not the person I was.
I take great stride to find a balance that works with my friends; but the scales were tipped long ago. The balance I once sought after is no longer a viable solution. I have needs, and things that I have to do. I don't care that people don't understand how important it is because they aren't in my situation. Just understand that it is very important to me; I deserve that much bloody respect.
I'm not saying that I need to cut off ties. I'm saying I need less.
There is no need to respond to everything I post/write/update, ect.
I don't need every one to know where I am every second of the day and what thought is going through my head at all times. I don't need guilt trips- I don't need people leaving me IM's wondering where I am when my away message is up. After all, it is an away message. I don't need people claiming my days off as soon as I mention them-- actually, it irritates me.
There is already so much that I do, and need to focus on, so excuse me if I'm flightier than hell because my brain is pulling me where it needs to go so that I am happy and not stressing as much. I'm going to fight tooth and nail for my sanity, and I'm not going to back down and keep my emotions in check anymore. I am not afraid to tell the world to fuck off. I will start ignoring any forms of communication and I will do whatever the hell I damn well please, whatever that may be. If you don't like it, you can deal with it.
I have talked with many people about things I've had issues with, at this point I understand my concerns to be heard and understod.