a new law?
I sit here, on my computer, as I always do. I am still wearing my name tag from tonight. My outfit- teal, green, brown,argyle and pearls. I feel lonesome, yet loved.
I feel God's love casting down on me, and I want to reflect it right back to people. Katie, Bekah and I prayed on Bekah's porch tonight. That was pretty special. It's been awhile since I've prayed without distracting thoughts. And when I was distracted, I told the devil to go away. And not come back another day.
I feel alone. I feel loved. Why such opposition? Why do I feel alone? For stupid reasons, really. And are those reasons the real root of the problem? I think about it, and no, boys are not the answer.
I'm a pretty prideful person. I like to think I'm better. It's true. I've made myself, what Eric Gamby calls a spiritual resume. And I get all high off of that. Not off of dwelling in the presense of God. How miserable am I?
I wrote a list at IV while Eric was giving the talk and sharing his list...it's pretty long, so I won't share it all, but one thing stuck out like a sore thumb-
I think I'm better than my family.
Whoa.
I don't even know what to do with this. I just realized it. It's so clear. I act like I'm the victim of them. I have no idea. I compare myself, especially to my little sister. I got really angry at my parents a couple weeks ago cause they informed me that I couldn't go anywhere this summer because my sister, who has flunked most of her high school classes and got her GED, wants to go to a pricey fashion school.
All of me, not just part of me, was crying out against this. WHY?? why would they do such a thing with her record?? She doesn't deserve to have a paid education.
I was basically saying- "I AM THE GOOD CHILD! I SHOULD GET A BETTER EDUCATION."
holy shit. what am I thinking? why am I like this? why can't I just accept that my parents want to bless my sister? it has me also thinking about how i interact with baby christians or non christians, a kin to the story of the prodigal son. he went away, went crazy, came back, and got thrown a party. i'm just like his brother, who is asking WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON HERE. HE DOES NOT DESERVE IT. Sometimes when I see baby christians, I don't rejoice with them, I see them how I once saw them and wonder why. Why are they here? I know that's ridiculous, but true of what's actually going on in my head.
another family problem- my family thinks i've gone crazy, and i think they're being narrow-minded pigs. obvious differences in opinion here. and it just goes to show that i should judge super conservatives. no. i have to recognize that the very people i'm fighting with are also children of god. they've been christ to me, and i to them at times where i haven't acted like a self-absorbed adolescent (most of the time).
i feel like a wall has been put up between me and them. maybe college is just a big factor. being away from them. but i'm not complaining. i want to be away from them. i wonder if that's wrong. i just want to get on the phone with my dad or justin and not fight about politics or my vegetarianism. and i'm as guilty as they are. cause i look down on them for their views sometimes. it's true. i act as if i'm more enlightened then others, not only with my family, but with all my conservative/ extremely liberal friends.
these things. these issues of superiority keep me away from Christ and his message sent out to us. so i feel alone?maybe it's due to the fact, that i'm overly critical. due to the fact that i think i'm different from people and that makes me feel better about myself.
that talk tonight really got to me.
I feel God's love casting down on me, and I want to reflect it right back to people. Katie, Bekah and I prayed on Bekah's porch tonight. That was pretty special. It's been awhile since I've prayed without distracting thoughts. And when I was distracted, I told the devil to go away. And not come back another day.
I feel alone. I feel loved. Why such opposition? Why do I feel alone? For stupid reasons, really. And are those reasons the real root of the problem? I think about it, and no, boys are not the answer.
I'm a pretty prideful person. I like to think I'm better. It's true. I've made myself, what Eric Gamby calls a spiritual resume. And I get all high off of that. Not off of dwelling in the presense of God. How miserable am I?
I wrote a list at IV while Eric was giving the talk and sharing his list...it's pretty long, so I won't share it all, but one thing stuck out like a sore thumb-
I think I'm better than my family.
Whoa.
I don't even know what to do with this. I just realized it. It's so clear. I act like I'm the victim of them. I have no idea. I compare myself, especially to my little sister. I got really angry at my parents a couple weeks ago cause they informed me that I couldn't go anywhere this summer because my sister, who has flunked most of her high school classes and got her GED, wants to go to a pricey fashion school.
All of me, not just part of me, was crying out against this. WHY?? why would they do such a thing with her record?? She doesn't deserve to have a paid education.
I was basically saying- "I AM THE GOOD CHILD! I SHOULD GET A BETTER EDUCATION."
holy shit. what am I thinking? why am I like this? why can't I just accept that my parents want to bless my sister? it has me also thinking about how i interact with baby christians or non christians, a kin to the story of the prodigal son. he went away, went crazy, came back, and got thrown a party. i'm just like his brother, who is asking WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON HERE. HE DOES NOT DESERVE IT. Sometimes when I see baby christians, I don't rejoice with them, I see them how I once saw them and wonder why. Why are they here? I know that's ridiculous, but true of what's actually going on in my head.
another family problem- my family thinks i've gone crazy, and i think they're being narrow-minded pigs. obvious differences in opinion here. and it just goes to show that i should judge super conservatives. no. i have to recognize that the very people i'm fighting with are also children of god. they've been christ to me, and i to them at times where i haven't acted like a self-absorbed adolescent (most of the time).
i feel like a wall has been put up between me and them. maybe college is just a big factor. being away from them. but i'm not complaining. i want to be away from them. i wonder if that's wrong. i just want to get on the phone with my dad or justin and not fight about politics or my vegetarianism. and i'm as guilty as they are. cause i look down on them for their views sometimes. it's true. i act as if i'm more enlightened then others, not only with my family, but with all my conservative/ extremely liberal friends.
these things. these issues of superiority keep me away from Christ and his message sent out to us. so i feel alone?maybe it's due to the fact, that i'm overly critical. due to the fact that i think i'm different from people and that makes me feel better about myself.
that talk tonight really got to me.