Vin De Syrah
Girls night last night. It was a great night. Just Fran, Kristi and myself. We had a blast. However, there was bouts of sadness mixed in with our fun night. Kristi is moving back to New Jersey on Thursday. She is leaving. That is a cause for a stir of loneliness to build up inside of me again. She was one of those people that I could turn to whenever I needed turning. I don't make friends with girls very easily. So, when I moved down here to San Diego, I thought almost instantly that I wasn't going to have any new friends than those that I already knew. This definitely was not the case. Me and Kristi hit it off really well. We instantaneously became close friends. I even consider her one of my best friends. And now, she is moving back with her husband to New Jersey. I am unsure of what to do. For the past couple of days, I have been struggling with my own sense of reality. I have been questioning everything. I have even considered the possibility of moving back to Mammoth. You know, just to get everything in order. Have a calm and quiet place to work on my thesis (because it is definitely not getting done while I am down here). I would be able to save money and pay off a lot of my debt. I would be around Mewgo again - and I would not be thinking about my loneliness. I would also be with my mother. I miss my mom so much. It is hard to describe the emptiness that I feel when she is not around me. I am very attached to her. However, she is also one of the main reasons that I would not be moving back to Mammoth. We tend to fight constantly when we are around each other. I hate it.
Anyway, I am unsure of my plan in life right now. Things are so scattered and up in the air. It's making me stir crazy. However, I am trying to go with the flow as much as I can. It's difficult. The loneliness is definitely eating me up inside. And this constant feeling of unhappiness is overwhelming. What can I do to be happy again? The answer to that question constantly alludes me...