Don't drive away...again
I have one thing to say.
OW THAT FUCKING HURTS
ok... now that I've gotten that off of my chest.
My goodness... I hate crutches. I loathe them, I despise them with every fibre of my being. They are evil incarnate. They are the most dispicable thing ever and I wish they would be run over by a million trucks on the freezing cold ground and lie there and die a slow painful death.
...no. That would be too good for them. They need something worse. I can't think of something worse right now, but it will come to me. It will, just wait for it.
I am pathetic. Really. If you hadn't guessed it before then I have new proof. My drugged up on painkiller mind (Painkiller Jane, woo hoo) has been going around in circles having arguments with itself. About random and pointless things. I'm slowly declining into insanity. No, wait... been there, done that.
Politics...pain...fanfics...music...drumming...Aaron...Cananda...friends...the House fanfic I read last night...ex's...past/history...politics...pain...music..Aaron...that House fanfic I read last night...drumming...Canada...Aaron...friends...Aaron...Christmas...Aaron...ex's...Past...Aaron...Pain...music...drumming...politics...friends...the House fanfic I read last night...music...Aaron...
It's sad really.
I'm trying very hard to not turn into a romantic sap like everyone else is... but the pull is unavoidable.
Your fear it moves me
your weakness I taste
I breathe you
I hate you
You course through my veins
and now...and now
You want me
You love me
And I hate myself
I need you
But I hate you
Cuz I want nothing else
And I bleed you
since I've healed you
your pain escapes through me
cuz I breathe you
but I hate you
cuz they say we could never be
they can't see
I know I shouldn't love you
There's just too much to fake
But you see me
and I feel you
and I am not afraid...
Very pretty song...very sad...
Oi... I cried. Yes, me.. the cold hearted bitch. I know, odd, right? I was sitting there, reading that sad and horribly beautiful House fanfic and thinking and reading... and then crying. Then thinking again. Thinking of what I would say if Aaron happened to sign online and ask me what I was up to. If I would lie and say nothing much just to not be a bother... or be a bother and tell him how pathetically useless I feel and how I'm crying. Then I mentally slapped myself because I was thinking of that *points to where she thinks of Aaron...*
bugger. I'm hopeless. We all know it, I'm just not telling myself. Nope. I'm rather good at this denial thing. *grins* la dee da dee da...
I hate the world today...
yesterday I cried
must have been releived to see the softer side...
I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way...
I love music ^_^
hmm... I wonder if there are any plays that will be coming around this area. I really need to find a way to watch out for them. I really want to go see more plays. I love them ^_^ They're so much fun. Though, seeing as I do happen to be a tiny bit biased... I like the ones from Seattle better. They were so much fun. I just love Seattle.
I don't know if I want to go back. I mean, I love it there, it's wonderful, and I miss it dearly...but...
I'm going to sound so pathetic saying this... so maybe I won't? No, I will... I really think I'll miss out on a lot if I do leave. I don't have as many friends here as I do there... but still. I don't want to leave the people I do have here. Ya, you can guess who I'm hinting at... I love Ivy and Brenna and Rachel dearly... but... not in the same light as I see someone else. It's sad... It's pathetic... I'm turning into such a sap... but do I care? Not really, right now no as a matter of fact. I'm actually quite happy.
I've finally found someone that makes me truly happy, so I think I'm going to see where it leads me. I know, the world thinks I'm too young to even have a clue as to what I want now or in the future. But the world needs to remember is that I'm not your average 16 almost 17 year old girl. Hell, I wasn't your average 1 hour old baby. I do know what I want, and I do know what I need. I know what I don't want as well. I don't want a fling, and I don't want to look at this and know that we'll just end up leaving each other eventually. I want stability, trust, and longevity. I need it. I know to them I seem young to want this now, but by the time I actually get it, I won't be. And, with my future career... I'm going to need some stability somewhere in my life. I have planned a tough road for myself, but I know it's worth it... I just hope those who are and will be in my life realize that as well.
I want what I think will be there in the future... I want it, but I'm scared to death of it at the same time. I'm scared that what happened to me before, will happen again. Not that I think it ever would.. I'm just scared it could. I don't know what I'd do if that did happen again. I know I need to think and use my head before my heart... but still. Once I get there, I'm completely utterly trusting. That specific person had just better know that if they broke my trust.. they'd crush me. I mean completely and totally. I don't know if I'd recover. They are the reason I'm healing right now, from my past. If they broke my trust... if they... I know I wouldn't make it. I don't mean that I'd just keel over and die right on the spot. I mean it would be slow, it would be painful, and it would be permanent. I'd go back into my head, undoing all the healing that I've done... going back to my mask and empty words and just function. I wouldn't be there, I'd be functioning. Breathing, eating, sleeping, working. That's it. Keeping those I know at a safe distance from me.. the real me. Keeping my mind sheltered, my thoughts on hold, and just be. Not the kind of be that breathily whispers freedom into your ear... no. The kind that freezes your skin like ice water and you can already feel the chains close around your wrists keeping you locked in place. The kind of existance where you don't want to feel, and all you let yourself feel is the cold deep seated spinning vines twisting themselves around in your gut and clenching your heat keeping it from beating. The one where laughter makes you grimace and something shines in your eye, but it's a dull shine, like you lost something and you know it's missing and that empty black hole where it once was is eating you alive. When you want to cry but you've cried yourself dry and only remember being able to cry, because at least then you felt something real and could let them out. Let them engulf you and hide within them, safely. Because you weren't feeling anything scary with the tears, no. You could hide behind them, they were shelter, and you were safe. But then they were gone, and you were left there empty, with no tears. Just hollow eyes and a new black hole in an ice cold heart with chains around your neck and the sun on your face when all you want is clouds and darkness and rain. Rain to hide your tear stained face.
OW THAT FUCKING HURTS
ok... now that I've gotten that off of my chest.
My goodness... I hate crutches. I loathe them, I despise them with every fibre of my being. They are evil incarnate. They are the most dispicable thing ever and I wish they would be run over by a million trucks on the freezing cold ground and lie there and die a slow painful death.
...no. That would be too good for them. They need something worse. I can't think of something worse right now, but it will come to me. It will, just wait for it.
I am pathetic. Really. If you hadn't guessed it before then I have new proof. My drugged up on painkiller mind (Painkiller Jane, woo hoo) has been going around in circles having arguments with itself. About random and pointless things. I'm slowly declining into insanity. No, wait... been there, done that.
Politics...pain...fanfics...music...drumming...Aaron...Cananda...friends...the House fanfic I read last night...ex's...past/history...politics...pain...music..Aaron...that House fanfic I read last night...drumming...Canada...Aaron...friends...Aaron...Christmas...Aaron...ex's...Past...Aaron...Pain...music...drumming...politics...friends...the House fanfic I read last night...music...Aaron...
It's sad really.
I'm trying very hard to not turn into a romantic sap like everyone else is... but the pull is unavoidable.
Your fear it moves me
your weakness I taste
I breathe you
I hate you
You course through my veins
and now...and now
You want me
You love me
And I hate myself
I need you
But I hate you
Cuz I want nothing else
And I bleed you
since I've healed you
your pain escapes through me
cuz I breathe you
but I hate you
cuz they say we could never be
they can't see
I know I shouldn't love you
There's just too much to fake
But you see me
and I feel you
and I am not afraid...
Very pretty song...very sad...
Oi... I cried. Yes, me.. the cold hearted bitch. I know, odd, right? I was sitting there, reading that sad and horribly beautiful House fanfic and thinking and reading... and then crying. Then thinking again. Thinking of what I would say if Aaron happened to sign online and ask me what I was up to. If I would lie and say nothing much just to not be a bother... or be a bother and tell him how pathetically useless I feel and how I'm crying. Then I mentally slapped myself because I was thinking of that *points to where she thinks of Aaron...*
bugger. I'm hopeless. We all know it, I'm just not telling myself. Nope. I'm rather good at this denial thing. *grins* la dee da dee da...
I hate the world today...
yesterday I cried
must have been releived to see the softer side...
I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell
I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way...
I love music ^_^
hmm... I wonder if there are any plays that will be coming around this area. I really need to find a way to watch out for them. I really want to go see more plays. I love them ^_^ They're so much fun. Though, seeing as I do happen to be a tiny bit biased... I like the ones from Seattle better. They were so much fun. I just love Seattle.
I don't know if I want to go back. I mean, I love it there, it's wonderful, and I miss it dearly...but...
I'm going to sound so pathetic saying this... so maybe I won't? No, I will... I really think I'll miss out on a lot if I do leave. I don't have as many friends here as I do there... but still. I don't want to leave the people I do have here. Ya, you can guess who I'm hinting at... I love Ivy and Brenna and Rachel dearly... but... not in the same light as I see someone else. It's sad... It's pathetic... I'm turning into such a sap... but do I care? Not really, right now no as a matter of fact. I'm actually quite happy.
I've finally found someone that makes me truly happy, so I think I'm going to see where it leads me. I know, the world thinks I'm too young to even have a clue as to what I want now or in the future. But the world needs to remember is that I'm not your average 16 almost 17 year old girl. Hell, I wasn't your average 1 hour old baby. I do know what I want, and I do know what I need. I know what I don't want as well. I don't want a fling, and I don't want to look at this and know that we'll just end up leaving each other eventually. I want stability, trust, and longevity. I need it. I know to them I seem young to want this now, but by the time I actually get it, I won't be. And, with my future career... I'm going to need some stability somewhere in my life. I have planned a tough road for myself, but I know it's worth it... I just hope those who are and will be in my life realize that as well.
I want what I think will be there in the future... I want it, but I'm scared to death of it at the same time. I'm scared that what happened to me before, will happen again. Not that I think it ever would.. I'm just scared it could. I don't know what I'd do if that did happen again. I know I need to think and use my head before my heart... but still. Once I get there, I'm completely utterly trusting. That specific person had just better know that if they broke my trust.. they'd crush me. I mean completely and totally. I don't know if I'd recover. They are the reason I'm healing right now, from my past. If they broke my trust... if they... I know I wouldn't make it. I don't mean that I'd just keel over and die right on the spot. I mean it would be slow, it would be painful, and it would be permanent. I'd go back into my head, undoing all the healing that I've done... going back to my mask and empty words and just function. I wouldn't be there, I'd be functioning. Breathing, eating, sleeping, working. That's it. Keeping those I know at a safe distance from me.. the real me. Keeping my mind sheltered, my thoughts on hold, and just be. Not the kind of be that breathily whispers freedom into your ear... no. The kind that freezes your skin like ice water and you can already feel the chains close around your wrists keeping you locked in place. The kind of existance where you don't want to feel, and all you let yourself feel is the cold deep seated spinning vines twisting themselves around in your gut and clenching your heat keeping it from beating. The one where laughter makes you grimace and something shines in your eye, but it's a dull shine, like you lost something and you know it's missing and that empty black hole where it once was is eating you alive. When you want to cry but you've cried yourself dry and only remember being able to cry, because at least then you felt something real and could let them out. Let them engulf you and hide within them, safely. Because you weren't feeling anything scary with the tears, no. You could hide behind them, they were shelter, and you were safe. But then they were gone, and you were left there empty, with no tears. Just hollow eyes and a new black hole in an ice cold heart with chains around your neck and the sun on your face when all you want is clouds and darkness and rain. Rain to hide your tear stained face.