ugh... ok, semi-ventage time
yea... this is a retorical question but it helps me get to my point.... have you ever watched those movies that when you kinda got into, and at the end, regardless of the happy ending, it just seemed so damn depressing to you personally? Uh yea of course you have, everyone has... and if you havent then your stupid and i hate you and im jealous. But yea that happened again to me... i dont know why.. and most of you know me as being a pretty easy going guy with for the most part a positive atmosphere around me... well yea thats how i am... but of course i keep a lot of stuff bottled up inside, thats just me, i mean everyone does do that, im not special, but i really over due it sometimes like for every one of my smiles there 1000 things wrong, but i just keep it in the back of my mind. Then i watch a movie or some how start thinking about something that just really brings down my mood. I mean i dont think about anyone or anything particular, its just my mood just takes a dive and puts me in a daze... and people notice... i mean when stuff really starts bothering me they notice. its not like i make a scene or something they just see that my so called light is dimmed or burnt out. Though this usually doesnt happen when im around a lot of people.... i just like to be who i am when i am around friends and stuff, and not bother anyone or me for that matter with my own worries and dramas... and a lot of people always say that they are there for me and stuff.... i know thats true, and i appreciate every single one of them... but i also know one thing about me, i used to let all my feelings out but something changed, you know a lot of people have these kinds of changes i know im not special in any way, but i just stopped discussing my feelings to people.... for one thing that doenst help me any, just makes me feel bad, and thats definately something i do not want to feel, and secondly i help other... and if i havent helped you with anything you really should talk to me when you have a problem, if its one thing i am smart with its feelings and such. is that conceitedness? lol, well if it is, im just trying to let you know that i am pretty good with it and i like to help, makes be feel better about something. Plus, i care so damn much about everyone and everything it really puts myself into my own world of hurt, but thats just how i am... im a nice guy. i really am, im not out to get anyone or anything, just want the best... i know that sounds goody goody... well im not goody goody for those that think i am, like at first youll think that but after so long and you have seen me upset you will know another side of me that a lot of people would find scary, others would find very interesting. Just ask a couple of my friends that i stood up for after being the end of a stupid prank, yea i was about to woop up, i didnt have any regard for my well being. Thats how i am i care so much about others that i put me last in line.... and then i watch a movie and last in line finally steps up to the window.... yea well ill acknowlege the problem/s but i usually dont solve them, and most the time, its not something that i can just solve its something that someone else has to solve, but i dont know who that someone else is because, they dont exist, or i have really bad luck with running into this person or finding them. Of course i am refering to being single, or "alone." You know the usual drama relationshipless people go through... but see my case is different, i have been single for almost 3 years... yea thats what sucks... and a lot of people tell me im used to it.... uh no... ever beat of my heart hurts more cause im alone... and in between the beats too... ok i dont want sympathy... i actually wasnt even going to put this on live journal it started out in a notepad document just as something i was going to vent with.... and thats a usual practice for me.... run into a sad momment then i write something, i used to write poems but i gave up on it.... sounded to hopeless romantic.... and i know how girls dont want that anymore.... so i just write, whatever pops up in my head i type it.... usually it ends up being statements i would like to say to people but never do.... and dont ask me if to tell you what i have typed about you... probably nothing, well maybe something, but i would have forgotten by now and i dont save what i write.... But anyways i guess im starting to feel a little better.... not that problems are going away just that im starting to forget them again the movies effect is wearing off, and ill start to smile again.... but its alright, you probably wouldnt have read all of this anyways, i wouldnt, its probably a bunch of nonsence and this time im not even going to put in in Word to make sure it has no mistakes, im just going to submit it as is and try and forget it, but for your enjoyment you can have the oppertunity to read this and try and see what i was thinking at the time i wrote this, but i dont see why you should bother... but check it out, im not even sad anymore, im fine now... really... and im sure ill talk to you later.... and if not maybe you should talk to me... i have had a lot of things thats happened in my life recently and i could tell you about all of them.... haha if your bored that is, well fun stuff...... goodbye ;)