When I Run Things Around Here (updated!):
1. There will be high-stakes casinos every five miles by law, filled with attractive, distinguished men and glamourous women.
2. Specific streets will be blocked off in cities for the sole purpose of high-speed car chases (which will be strongly encouraged.)
3. On low excitement days, a building will be selected at random, cleared of all people and valuable objects, and specatacuraly exploded.
4. Pirate will be a valid profession.
5. The Muppets will be consulted before every major desicion.
6. If you start singing and dancing in the middle of the street, everyone around you will know the words and steps.
7. All attractive males will have to seek permission from a (all-female) tribunal before dating someone. Permission will be granted based on the datee's merits.
8. Duels to the death (or to the pain; dueller's choice) will be the preferred way of settling arguments. Don't like someone's tie? Someone else got that last donut? Chop him into itty-bitty pieces.
9. The Princess Bride will be required reading for everyone wishing to live.
10. Morality will be redefined along simple lines: Communist bad. Capitalist good. American spy good. Russian spy bad. Long-term commitment bad. One-night stand with secret agent good.
11. Everyone will speak with an accent. Scottish and Australian will be reserved for young, goodlooking men, Russian for older, chiselled-looking men, Swedish for blonde women, Cockney for roguish criminals, etc.
12. Political office will be granted based on physical appearance, to avoid mistakes like Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford.
13. All major policy decisions will be made through battle on the high seas.
14. South Sea islands will all be volcanic and be reserved for secret lairs.
15. Lighting will always be flattering, and there will be makeup artists following everyone around to ensure constant attractiveness. Soundtracks will be provided.
16. "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" will never, ever be played. Ever.
17. All people will be ordered to march into the sea. Those intelligent enough to NOT march into the sea will divide up everyone else's stuff.
2. Specific streets will be blocked off in cities for the sole purpose of high-speed car chases (which will be strongly encouraged.)
3. On low excitement days, a building will be selected at random, cleared of all people and valuable objects, and specatacuraly exploded.
4. Pirate will be a valid profession.
5. The Muppets will be consulted before every major desicion.
6. If you start singing and dancing in the middle of the street, everyone around you will know the words and steps.
7. All attractive males will have to seek permission from a (all-female) tribunal before dating someone. Permission will be granted based on the datee's merits.
8. Duels to the death (or to the pain; dueller's choice) will be the preferred way of settling arguments. Don't like someone's tie? Someone else got that last donut? Chop him into itty-bitty pieces.
9. The Princess Bride will be required reading for everyone wishing to live.
10. Morality will be redefined along simple lines: Communist bad. Capitalist good. American spy good. Russian spy bad. Long-term commitment bad. One-night stand with secret agent good.
11. Everyone will speak with an accent. Scottish and Australian will be reserved for young, goodlooking men, Russian for older, chiselled-looking men, Swedish for blonde women, Cockney for roguish criminals, etc.
12. Political office will be granted based on physical appearance, to avoid mistakes like Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford.
13. All major policy decisions will be made through battle on the high seas.
14. South Sea islands will all be volcanic and be reserved for secret lairs.
15. Lighting will always be flattering, and there will be makeup artists following everyone around to ensure constant attractiveness. Soundtracks will be provided.
16. "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" will never, ever be played. Ever.
17. All people will be ordered to march into the sea. Those intelligent enough to NOT march into the sea will divide up everyone else's stuff.