Before I leave for the night...
I'm gonna teach you a trick, it's a good trick, took me years to learn this and I'm giving this shit away for free! I know, I'm a sweetheart.
See, the thing that never stops amazing me, well Mr. Pratchett put it best when he said "The amazing thing about people is they spend their whole lives watching other people without ever once realising they're being watched back."
It's true and it's the source of all those arguments we have with other people where we end up saying "I can see what you're saying but I didn't mean it to be like that."
So here's the trick, learn to stop, step outside of yourself and clinically look at the situation as if you were an innocent bystander, an innocent bystander with a good idea of the events leading up to this situation.
Let's take a classic situation. Let's say you're having an argument with your significant other because you had to go to a work party straight after work. You came home, ran straight to the shower, tarted yourself up and ran out of the house tossing a "see ya later" over your shoulder as you go. You come home to find a fuming partner sitting on the sofa, they've been wound up about it all night (they shouldn't be but some people just aren't that relaxed or it's been a bad day or whatever excuse they come up with for being a dick) and the argument starts.
"I can't believe you ran in and ran out without even taking 5 minutes to speak to me!"
Your first instinct is to trot out a list of why you did that, to justify your actions and defend yourself. Either that or you just don't dignify the argument, 'they're being a total dickhead about nothing' you think.
Stop. Take the third option. Step back from the fuming anger or whatever emotional state you're in and take a moment. Now put yourself in the position of a person who had been sat on that couch all night, had never met the two of you before, knew you were a couple but that's about it. How would that person have seen it? In that hypothetical situation, if it was me sat there talking to one of the couple and the other one ran in, ran out dressed to the nines and the only thing they said to their partner was "see ya later!" I'd be thinking 'Woah! This dude is not gonna be pleased with that.' (Dude being an omnisex word for me, dudettes are dudes also, it's quicker.) ;)
So you realise that that wasn't on but neither is this reaction but attacking the reaction will only cause an argument so, being a grown up, you say "Yeah, it's true that was tactless of me, I did have five minutes for you and I should have given you that five minutes. I'm sorry." Unless your partner is a dick they should go "OK, I shouldn't have blown up over such a small thing, I'm sorry too." Because let's face it, anyone who can't take an apology and instantly calm down is a blue-whale-sized-dick.
Get it? See the action without your reasons for making that action and you'll probably realise you've been a dick. Don't reverse the situation and try to see their point of view because you can't. YOU can't see ANYTHING from another person's point of view, you're not that other person, you don't REALLY know what emotions are in their heart and what logic is in their head. What you CAN do is be an unbiased observer, you're good at that, you do it every day.
OK, in this situation we're stretching it slightly 'cos the partner left fuming on the couch shouldn't be fuming, they should just calmly point out at a later date that the run-in-run-out partner was taking the piss slightly there and wait and see if the partner is a big dick and does it again. So let's take a slightly more complicated situation.
Let's say you (A) went out a few times with someone (X) and A had a good time but even though A and X seemed to have some real heat, nothing happened between them. Every time A and X went out A was subtly pumped for information about someone else (Y) a friend who isn't around at the moment, at the time A thinks it's just social, "how's so and so?" Let's now say A finds out on the grapevine that Y is back and A tells X. Now let's say further down the grapevine A finds the grape that tells A that X has gone out with Y and suddenly, the next time A tries to contact X, X is off the boil with A, A's a bit confused but takes it in his stride. 'Shit happens' thinks A.
(This is the critical point, unless A is a giant horse sized dick then A isn't gonna be pissed off just because he never got into X's undies. Let's face it kids, we could spend our lives getting pissed off at not fucking people you want to fuck. We'd all be leaving cinemas shouting at each other because Famke Janssen isn't sucking our dick or Brad Pitt isn't getting sweaty between our legs. If the Human race ever did get murderous over the fact that someone is shagging someone else there'd be an awful lot more grieving widowers out there. Brad would have to keep Angelina locked away...)
If you managed to follow that then we all see where this is going don't we? A has been used to get to Y but here's the rub X probably doesn't even know they were using A, they just went out a few times with someone cool who happened to know stuff about Y, who X has always been interested in. Then, out of the blue, Y returns and X uses the information they got off A to start a conversation with Y which leads to a date with Y where X then uses the information gained from A to attempt to seduce Y. It's a seamless mental process, X didn't think "Ooops, I'm totally using A by doing that" because they aren't thinking about A, just the information.
So, A then accuses X of using A and says that all things considered, A would prefer if X left A's life. X goes with righteous indignation or no response. A's a bit confused because A and X were off the boil anyway and recently X hasn't exactly been going out of their way to be with A but now A realises why. Does A get pissed off? Depends on A, let's say A knows this trick and has used it to see he has been used (but not deliberately) and decides the best thing to do is cut off all communication with X. X is obviously one of those people who just don't think about anyone but themselves and what they want A decides but A isn't upset about it, no! 'People will be people' thinks A and thinks no more. A's a pretty groovy guy ain't he? Takes no shit but he's cool about it. I wanna be A! ;)
Now imagine for a second that instead of getting defensive or silent, X stops and goes outside the situation becoming a person who has nothing to do with the situation (Z). Z looks at the chain of events and sees that X took every opportunity to gather information about Y while not being honest about X's motivations for asking. Z sees that X didn't want to tell A "There's someone I like more than you" but also sees that in the context, it would have been more honest to admit that and A would actually, probably be cool about it, after all, what the fuck can A do about it? Z sees that X then took that information and used it to try and get with Y, even though X was only asking from genuine interest however A was not aware of the motivation for that genuine interest. Z can see that X has been a bit of a git to A by blatantly ignoring A after X had got what X wanted. Z can see that even though X's motives may have been defendable from X's point of view, the net action that came out of it is that A was used, X got something out of A but A got nothing in return from X. Z can see that X didn't plan to do that and their motives were probably pure but thought does not excuse deed. X has been a dick.
(Some would say "Well, A has just learnt a valuable lesson, don't trust anyone every man for himself and all that! Can't expect X, or anyone else to be honest about stuff!" and to those some I would say "You are the reason we aren't evolving quickly enough, we are humans, not dogs. Humans evolved by learning to co-operate without friction, not by biting all the other humans till they roll over. Descending to the level of animal interaction de-humanises us and you are a cock by selling your snake oil philosophies. Please take up some form of high risk sport and don't forget to snap your neck on the landing.")
It's up to X what X does then. A grown up would apologise and if A's not a dick the apology will probably be enough. A child will refuse to accept they're in the wrong and (in my experience) start with the "It's not me, I'm not wrong. It's you, it's your problem." tactics or the "think what you want." tactic which is a great tactic for children because they admit nothing and are telling you it's all in your head. It's a classic technique that all people who have been pissed on will recognise. "I'm right because I can't admit I'm wrong and you're wrong because someone has to be. I'm praying you're mentally weak enough to buy this bullshit." It's one sided thinking and beware anyone who reeks of one sided thinking, they're weak little muppets who have to make it about you because they can't accept their own faults. It's like when you ask someone you're interested in about their last breakup and they say "They were a dick, it was all their fault!" The old alarm bells go off because you know it takes two to make a breakup and they're obviously incapable of honestly admitting their portion of blame.
Like people who claim they've broken up because the partner was cheating but you know they were fucking their partner's mate behind their back. Would you want to get into a relationship with that person? Nope. Fuck 'em maybe but be with them? Oh dear no. If the truth hurts them so much they can't freely tell it then they're weak, weak, weak. Use the trick wherever you can to spot people like this because it tends to spread around their personality like a cancer. Especially you ladies 'cos when you get trapped with a weakass man it can be fucking hard to get away, innit?
See? It's a great trick and it's saved my ass in many situations where I've thought "What the fuck?" Instead of launching into an angry rant or getting confused and unbalanced, I step back and clinically look at the situation as if it was nothing to do with me, internal justifications or emotional states do not enter into the equation, just the facts ma'am.
Sometimes I find I'm the one being the dick and I stop being a dick and feel happy in the knowledge I'm not very likely to be a dick like that again. (You got to be really self aware to call yourself a dick and accept it though, most people will just immediately start justifying themselves again and thus are doomed to be dicks for ever.)
More often than not I find that I'm being a dick and so is the other person and then I just choose not to be a dick and usually once one of you stops being a dick, the other one will too because they're being a dick which makes you act like a dick which makes them act like a dick. If you've ever been in a relationship with THAT particular cycle then raise your hand. Lot of hands out there tonight. Of course if you make the effort to stop being a dick and they just won't, then they're a pathological dick and it's probably best to run away before you start being a dick out of self defence.
Sometimes I find I've done nothing that would make me a dick but the other person has been a dick of porn-movie proportions and that allows me to remain cool when talking to the dick because if they really can't accept they're being a dick then I know, logically, this person is a dick and doesn't want to face up to the fact they've been a dick, this person is a child and I'm better off without them.
It's a great trick. It points out your own personality faults (get ready to squirm, it gets easier but it's never nice to realise you're a twat), allows you build a stronger self image by being aware that you conciously weed out your worst impulses and by sticking to your guns when you ARE being the better person, allows you to quickly judge the actions of others and make snappy decisions of whether they're worth a damn of your time. Personally, my threshold is the "Think what you want" tactic, once I see that I know the other person is a child with a weak self image that can't take a knock. They'll forever be telling you it's in your mind or that you're overly suspicious or whatever when the truth is, they're too weak to stop fucking you over.
I am spent. My love has been given to you all. Use it wisely and if you really can't stop being a dick, seek head-medicine-men!