Lost.
The new year has come. I had a simply smashing time at Lizard's party, even if I did roll in at 11:00. Something about staying up until the early hours of the morning and acting insanely crazy helps with all the post work stress. :) Love you guysss.
I was kind of hoping that today would be free of any analytical ponderings and my confused, rambled questions. Unfortunately, I can't promise any such a thing. I want to know why all things grow inevitably confusing. People wonder why I make the decisions that I do. Those that love me, wonder why I've immersed myself in three, completely appauling relationships over the past two years. Well, because they're free of obligations. They're free of jealous phone calls. They're free of self-conscious thoughts as fingers dance along the hem of your shirt or get lost in your hair. I've made a clear, well thought-out plan on how to avoid complications. I don't want to be anyone's vulnerable little puppet. That's all I've ever asked for. Why can't I remain in this safe place?
I thought I could love anyone with my body. Why can I kiss strangers and hide in cars with boys and not hold hands? Is there something horribly wrong with me? Months have gone by and I've hoped desperately to avoid thinking about this specific question, but I'm afraid it's unavoidable. I wish I could get lost in someone's eyes without feeling exposed. I wish I could let someone hold me without feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Could it really be, that after all I've allowed to be seen and touched and done to me this past year, I've actually begun to hate myself at the slightest touch of true affection?
See, I always thought that there wouldn't be repercussions. I thought I'd found the train ride to freedom without a hint of regret. But for all these months I've spent "freeing myself" in unrestrained relationships and all the times I've spoken of my "wall against vulnerability", I've actually found myself in that exact place.
Sam Flick, I plan on rereading your perfect quote every time these thoughts begin to wander and I, as always, don't have the answers.
" Sometimes we need to..stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens... "
I was kind of hoping that today would be free of any analytical ponderings and my confused, rambled questions. Unfortunately, I can't promise any such a thing. I want to know why all things grow inevitably confusing. People wonder why I make the decisions that I do. Those that love me, wonder why I've immersed myself in three, completely appauling relationships over the past two years. Well, because they're free of obligations. They're free of jealous phone calls. They're free of self-conscious thoughts as fingers dance along the hem of your shirt or get lost in your hair. I've made a clear, well thought-out plan on how to avoid complications. I don't want to be anyone's vulnerable little puppet. That's all I've ever asked for. Why can't I remain in this safe place?
I thought I could love anyone with my body. Why can I kiss strangers and hide in cars with boys and not hold hands? Is there something horribly wrong with me? Months have gone by and I've hoped desperately to avoid thinking about this specific question, but I'm afraid it's unavoidable. I wish I could get lost in someone's eyes without feeling exposed. I wish I could let someone hold me without feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Could it really be, that after all I've allowed to be seen and touched and done to me this past year, I've actually begun to hate myself at the slightest touch of true affection?
See, I always thought that there wouldn't be repercussions. I thought I'd found the train ride to freedom without a hint of regret. But for all these months I've spent "freeing myself" in unrestrained relationships and all the times I've spoken of my "wall against vulnerability", I've actually found myself in that exact place.
Sam Flick, I plan on rereading your perfect quote every time these thoughts begin to wander and I, as always, don't have the answers.
" Sometimes we need to..stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens... "