(no subject)
Ruts are nothing fun to have and nothing fun to deal with along with people's misconception about who I am, what I am and what I like. Most people think I am an extreme extrovert which that cannot be further from the truth. I grew up going to multiple large family functions and grew use to having a lot of people around me especially since my dads side of the family 3rd cousins included is huge. I prefer the company of friends who have been around for a long time who I can call family and have treated me as such and sometimes I don't prefer them or even my husband as a matter of fact because there are times I want to be left alone. I may not be a full introvert as it may be called or labeled I hate labels by the way intensely but that's what I am a bit of an introvert and it takes a bit despite what people may think before i actually consider including them into my life and its sadly done with extreme care due to something i dealt with once. The only reason I can even tolerate being in big groups is from that so called training I had as a child with big family functions. And honestly I doubt anyone will ever really know me because well after learning that I could be hurt by someone close to me I've closed up a bit actually a lot and i am surprised i am even opening up on lj about it. Probably has to due with the mood I am in which is well I am just kinda feeling lost regarding myself and where and what I have done with my life and yes this is pretty much in correlation with the fact I am turning 31 and don't feel like I have a lot to show for it at all. Also not having the Internet really other than the phone plan has showed me that there is so much more to life than always web browsing and gaming. Don't get me wrong I like some of the social media stuff so I can just keep in touch with people but I know some people are so immersed in it that anyone who they know who doesn't have access becomes a small unimportant blip on the screen that's unnoticed. I find that to be very sad and well must admit that I have felt it and know what it feels like to be that little unimportant blip. But that is life and another way to find out who is a close family member worth getting to know along with friends vs someone who is just there and tolerating you for the moment. I'm sorry for this pretty well long and rather topic switching post this is more venting than anything else . Now back to the whole rut that I mentioned earlier I woke up this morning not feeling happy or sad just woke up not glad about anything, petted Ciara and just staring out the window thinking its Sunday and I'm up. More importantly that I am alive still and waking up to the same morning routine that never ever changes. I guess I was expecting there to be more out of life than this humdrum that I am experiencing but we all have expectations for life that never really happen or know others that it comes easy for and you begin to wonder where the fuck did I go wrong in the grand scheme of things? I also find it funny that I want to be a house wife because I feel that I have given up so much working 40+ hours a week at one job and then my little bakery business that I wish I could only but can't and do along side the other job take up my time. There are things that I use to do that I felt defined me that I no longer have time to do, also I feel my husbands constant procrastination intruding on me more and more and find my self letting things go to shit which is not me at all not how I use to be anyway. I liked getting things done first so resting and relaxing can follow and things would stay clean and neat. When I try to do anything now it get told to relax so I do that and then I ask for something because I am relaxing and I get a look of and sometimes told so do it yourself or your lazy and it's like really now or my favorite one (not really) is that I have a man servant. Seriously it pisses me off. Its a freaking double edged sword same thing goes for my weight and that itself is a sore subject to begin with especially that no one believes i am trying and the fact that i have a thin husband who eats more than i do i get the whole you should give him your food he is too thin and constantly reminding people i do give him more. Its so damn frustrating. I am going to stop for now because I feel like I am getting worked up a bit from venting. Post to be possible continued in the near future.