i don't even know what to feel.
April 22, 2007. I turned 21 and found the greatest woman ever to be my girlfriend. I spent the night over at her house and the world changed.
April 22, 2008. I turned 22 and have been with Clover for a year. Everything has been exactly as I would have written them to be. I love this woman so much.
September 23, 2008. Clover tells me we should start thinking about our future apart from each other. This was the worse day of my life. My eyes hurt from crying so much, my head hurts from trying to process the amount of pain I am going through. I don't even really want to talk to Christian, but he is the only person I can hang out with and cry without needing to explain anything.
Today, I am scared to death. I have no written in this journal for a long time. I did not document meeting Clover, I did not document my first sensual encounter with Clover, I did not write down anything about my time with Clover. I do not regret that now, but I might in the future. I never wrote down anything between Clover and I because we were always immersed in our moments together. Nothing else mattered. Not the time, the weather, the day, the date, bills, people, gas prices, nothing. We had fun, we were in love. I had everything in her. I did not need to write down anything to remind myself of my love in the future because she was my past, present, and future.
Now, I am not so sure about my future or my present or my past. I went to bed last night with the thought of not waking up. I am so confused. I am so sad, torn, tarnished, and fearful. I cannot imagine a life without Clover. I cannot imagine a tomorrow without her. I wouldn't know where to start or how to continue. I am feeling so much anguish at the thought of an end to my roller coaster of a romance. It was a roller coaster because it was a great thrill, it brought me excitement, and the uncertainty of what would happen next yet knowing I would be safe with her made my life ideal.
Now. I do not know anything anymore. I don't even know why I am writing this here but I cannot find myself to open my mouth to say any of this out loud. I don't want anything of this to come out of my mouth because maybe somehow deep down I think if I don't say it, it won't come true.
How can I go on knowing it's going to end? I don't want it to end.
I am pretty sure one day I will come back here and find that none of this makes any sense whatsoever. But that's okay.
Right now, this is the only comfort that I have.
I don't feel right. My body feels like it is tearing itself apart. I simply do now know what to feel or how to react.
I am tired, hurting, confused, scared to death.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
I don't want to do anything but mope around in my own depression right now.
What is the point of ever doing anything when nothing lasts? Why haunt yourself with memories of something that can never be again? Why bother with anything in life? L
Life is a sickening thing that takes place. It disgusts me and makes me sick to think that you were created to meet and be with people whom will all leave you. It makes me sick to think that everything you ever loved, admired, adored don't last.
Everything is temporary so why bother doing so much for it. Wrecking yourself to obtain only a moment of satisfaction and happiness. Why bother with any of it at all?
I don't know where to go from here. I can't do this. THIS. I don't know how to deal with such meaninglessness. Everything disappears.
Life is pathetic.
Why invest so much spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental energy for something that is bound to end? Why break yourself for it?
I'll tell you why. Because it feels good. Because it makes you happy. Because you'd give up anything, everything, and everyone for it. Because it is the one reason you decided to stay on planet Earth.
So without it. You're free to leave.
//
April 22, 2008. I turned 22 and have been with Clover for a year. Everything has been exactly as I would have written them to be. I love this woman so much.
September 23, 2008. Clover tells me we should start thinking about our future apart from each other. This was the worse day of my life. My eyes hurt from crying so much, my head hurts from trying to process the amount of pain I am going through. I don't even really want to talk to Christian, but he is the only person I can hang out with and cry without needing to explain anything.
Today, I am scared to death. I have no written in this journal for a long time. I did not document meeting Clover, I did not document my first sensual encounter with Clover, I did not write down anything about my time with Clover. I do not regret that now, but I might in the future. I never wrote down anything between Clover and I because we were always immersed in our moments together. Nothing else mattered. Not the time, the weather, the day, the date, bills, people, gas prices, nothing. We had fun, we were in love. I had everything in her. I did not need to write down anything to remind myself of my love in the future because she was my past, present, and future.
Now, I am not so sure about my future or my present or my past. I went to bed last night with the thought of not waking up. I am so confused. I am so sad, torn, tarnished, and fearful. I cannot imagine a life without Clover. I cannot imagine a tomorrow without her. I wouldn't know where to start or how to continue. I am feeling so much anguish at the thought of an end to my roller coaster of a romance. It was a roller coaster because it was a great thrill, it brought me excitement, and the uncertainty of what would happen next yet knowing I would be safe with her made my life ideal.
Now. I do not know anything anymore. I don't even know why I am writing this here but I cannot find myself to open my mouth to say any of this out loud. I don't want anything of this to come out of my mouth because maybe somehow deep down I think if I don't say it, it won't come true.
How can I go on knowing it's going to end? I don't want it to end.
I am pretty sure one day I will come back here and find that none of this makes any sense whatsoever. But that's okay.
Right now, this is the only comfort that I have.
I don't feel right. My body feels like it is tearing itself apart. I simply do now know what to feel or how to react.
I am tired, hurting, confused, scared to death.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
I don't want to do anything but mope around in my own depression right now.
What is the point of ever doing anything when nothing lasts? Why haunt yourself with memories of something that can never be again? Why bother with anything in life? L
Life is a sickening thing that takes place. It disgusts me and makes me sick to think that you were created to meet and be with people whom will all leave you. It makes me sick to think that everything you ever loved, admired, adored don't last.
Everything is temporary so why bother doing so much for it. Wrecking yourself to obtain only a moment of satisfaction and happiness. Why bother with any of it at all?
I don't know where to go from here. I can't do this. THIS. I don't know how to deal with such meaninglessness. Everything disappears.
Life is pathetic.
Why invest so much spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental energy for something that is bound to end? Why break yourself for it?
I'll tell you why. Because it feels good. Because it makes you happy. Because you'd give up anything, everything, and everyone for it. Because it is the one reason you decided to stay on planet Earth.
So without it. You're free to leave.
//