"don't look away..."
"What nourishes me also destroys me"~Angelina Jolie
So things haven't been going so great lately. April's around the corner and all of these thoughts of him have got me coming apart so easily. He's gone and he's never coming back. All of these random memories and random images keep popping up. He's everywhere. But maybe that's more of a good thing than a negative thing. I don't know. Either way, I had a few slip ups these past few weeks, but I had a realization today. Out of nowhere I had this urge to run. Well, before my urge to run I had a cRaZy urge to not just cut, but butcher myself. So, as a way to not give in I decided to workout. Don't even ask me why cause I can't explain why on Earth I would voluntarily want to workout, but I did. And while I was running, I was thinking about my urge and these slips. I've come too far to bring myself back down again. And if I have to work to keep that streak of happiness that I had going, then by God I'm gonna work my ass off because nothing is worse than what I had been feeling these past five years. And these past few weeks I was starting to fall back into it and at first I liked it. It was comforting and familiar. But I don't want that. I'd like to go a year without being in some sort of hospital/rehab or on some medication.
And I didn't want to admit to any of this because I didn't want anyone to worry cause I know it's been a nice relief to my friends and family having me stable. Plus, I've got people who look to me to be strong and stable. Kind of like living proof that cutting can be overcome. But, I'm still a person. No better or worse than anyone else. And a dear friend of mine said something very inspiring to me...
youre a strong girl my love. you've been through the worst and yet you can still smile =) april may suck but there are eleven other months of celebration afterwards.
I love you and miss you...
So, yeah, there's a little off my chest.