(no subject)
Suppose it's time for a real update, instead of bits & pieces of my horrible life.
I just got done watching Real World. Danny's mom died, & I seriously started crying. I know how he feels, I just wanted to reach into the television & hug him. It's honestly the worst feeling in the world.
Me & Tim are okay I think. Haven't really fought since the last time I mentioned us, so that's good. He's going back to Georgia on the 13th, so I doubt we're going to see each other one last time before then. =\ People keep telling me to move with him, to get away from everything here, but I can't do that. It's not so much the afraid of starting over part, but I can't live at his parent's house, because he won't even be there, & I can't live in the dorm with him. I mean if we were going to be getting a place of our own, that'd be one thing, but that's not happening any time soon.
I've been talking to Chris lately. It's weird because every time I mention that I haven't talked to him in a while, he calls the next day. This time was no exception. But he said he turned himself in to get clean, away from drugs & everything. He had gotten really bad these past few years, so I'm very proud of hearing that he's been clean since May 3rd. =) A lot of people don't know the deal with him & I, so a quick update. I've known Chris for like 10 years, we always had a crush on each other, but I would never go out with him because he was a big time player, so we just remained friends. It's one of those relationships where we could tell each other just about anything, & not care. So, like 2 1/2 years ago, he went to jail for a little over a year I think, & we wrote letters & I visited him, & he kept telling me he loved me & wanted to be with me, that he had changed, & me being stupid, I believed him. Anyway when he got out, nothing really changed (he didn't change I mean). We would sleep over each other's houses, hang out all the time, blah blah. Then he just.. stopped talking to me. So whatever, I got over it. Then lately we've just been talking, trying to plan something out where we could hang out.
This is what happened to him though
http://www.thetranscript.com/Stories/0,1413,103~9049~2988532,00.html
So, he called me today & said he was leaving town because 6-8 guys from Springfield came here looking for him & if they caught him they were going to shoot & kill him, because everyone thinks he's a police informant, which he isn't. But he asked if he could come down & say goodbye, because who knows when I'll see him again. We hung around out front for like 15-20 minutes, just talking. Then he started to panic because he was getting weird phone calls, so he wanted to get going. He gave me a hug & a kiss on the cheek, I asked him to be safe & to keep in touch with me so I know he's okay, & he got in the car. As he was pulling away he mouthed "I Love You". This would be the 2nd time he's said that, because a few nights ago I was talking to him on the phone, & he goes "Ok, love you." & I'm like "Yeah.. bye" It's kind of uncomfortable, because he knows that I'm with Tim, & I told him before that he lost his chance to be with me, he fucked it up so much, & I'm not going to say it back, I don't say it unless I mean it, & I just don't love him like that. I mean as a friend, of course, I love all of my friends. But it wouldn't be fair to him if I said it, & didn't mean it.
Norm's back, super duper. =\ Toni already made it clear that this is NOT my house, so no matter what I say, it doesn't matter. So, he'll be here for another month. I don't like it, & I'm not going to pretend that I do. She told me "Don't like it, you have a room." So guess where I'll be for the next month?
Toni & Joe both have therapists, for their own reasons. I'm thinking I need to see one too. There are WAY too many moments where I catch myself gritting my teeth to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs, & I start breathing heavy & my heart starts racing. That can't be normal. I have anger issues, I know. But is it really worth it to open up to a complete stranger, & then tell me what I already know is wrong with me? I hate the world, I blame everyone for my mom's death, I'm always trying to please everybody. Yes, I know this. Why am I laying on a couch spilling my guts to someone I don't even know? If I do decide to trust anybody, it'll be someone I KNOW I can trust, someone that won't file me in a cabinet with thousands of others & do nothing for.
I think I need to go lay down & cry some more.
I just got done watching Real World. Danny's mom died, & I seriously started crying. I know how he feels, I just wanted to reach into the television & hug him. It's honestly the worst feeling in the world.
Me & Tim are okay I think. Haven't really fought since the last time I mentioned us, so that's good. He's going back to Georgia on the 13th, so I doubt we're going to see each other one last time before then. =\ People keep telling me to move with him, to get away from everything here, but I can't do that. It's not so much the afraid of starting over part, but I can't live at his parent's house, because he won't even be there, & I can't live in the dorm with him. I mean if we were going to be getting a place of our own, that'd be one thing, but that's not happening any time soon.
I've been talking to Chris lately. It's weird because every time I mention that I haven't talked to him in a while, he calls the next day. This time was no exception. But he said he turned himself in to get clean, away from drugs & everything. He had gotten really bad these past few years, so I'm very proud of hearing that he's been clean since May 3rd. =) A lot of people don't know the deal with him & I, so a quick update. I've known Chris for like 10 years, we always had a crush on each other, but I would never go out with him because he was a big time player, so we just remained friends. It's one of those relationships where we could tell each other just about anything, & not care. So, like 2 1/2 years ago, he went to jail for a little over a year I think, & we wrote letters & I visited him, & he kept telling me he loved me & wanted to be with me, that he had changed, & me being stupid, I believed him. Anyway when he got out, nothing really changed (he didn't change I mean). We would sleep over each other's houses, hang out all the time, blah blah. Then he just.. stopped talking to me. So whatever, I got over it. Then lately we've just been talking, trying to plan something out where we could hang out.
This is what happened to him though
http://www.thetranscript.com/Stories/0,1413,103~9049~2988532,00.html
So, he called me today & said he was leaving town because 6-8 guys from Springfield came here looking for him & if they caught him they were going to shoot & kill him, because everyone thinks he's a police informant, which he isn't. But he asked if he could come down & say goodbye, because who knows when I'll see him again. We hung around out front for like 15-20 minutes, just talking. Then he started to panic because he was getting weird phone calls, so he wanted to get going. He gave me a hug & a kiss on the cheek, I asked him to be safe & to keep in touch with me so I know he's okay, & he got in the car. As he was pulling away he mouthed "I Love You". This would be the 2nd time he's said that, because a few nights ago I was talking to him on the phone, & he goes "Ok, love you." & I'm like "Yeah.. bye" It's kind of uncomfortable, because he knows that I'm with Tim, & I told him before that he lost his chance to be with me, he fucked it up so much, & I'm not going to say it back, I don't say it unless I mean it, & I just don't love him like that. I mean as a friend, of course, I love all of my friends. But it wouldn't be fair to him if I said it, & didn't mean it.
Norm's back, super duper. =\ Toni already made it clear that this is NOT my house, so no matter what I say, it doesn't matter. So, he'll be here for another month. I don't like it, & I'm not going to pretend that I do. She told me "Don't like it, you have a room." So guess where I'll be for the next month?
Toni & Joe both have therapists, for their own reasons. I'm thinking I need to see one too. There are WAY too many moments where I catch myself gritting my teeth to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs, & I start breathing heavy & my heart starts racing. That can't be normal. I have anger issues, I know. But is it really worth it to open up to a complete stranger, & then tell me what I already know is wrong with me? I hate the world, I blame everyone for my mom's death, I'm always trying to please everybody. Yes, I know this. Why am I laying on a couch spilling my guts to someone I don't even know? If I do decide to trust anybody, it'll be someone I KNOW I can trust, someone that won't file me in a cabinet with thousands of others & do nothing for.
I think I need to go lay down & cry some more.