Where everybody knows your name...
I haven't written anything in a while. As always I guess I didn't have anything important to say. A few things have changed in my life recently. Biggest change is that I moved to California.
Yep. I am in CA. Been here almost 2 months now and I officially hate it. Moved out here to be with my boyfriend. Thought it was going to be a great thing seeing as how I've always wanted to leave NYC and try something different. But CA is just NOT for me at all. I went home for the holidays and realized so much about myself. I've always said that I wanted out of NYC. That I hate it. That I wasn't happy there. Basically, I was and still am an idiot. I can't believe I've ever said I wasn't happy there. I had SO much to be happy about. I had my family, who are the best. I had my close friends, who are fantastic. Now that I'm out here in CA I don't have any of that. I'm alone. I've also come to realize that when I always said that I hated NYC and wanted out was only partially true. Only partially true because yes I want to leave NYC but not move out. I want to travel. I want to see as much of the world as I possibly can and then come back home to my family and friends. I guess you don't realize how much you love home until you leave it. So with all of that being said, I will most likely be moving back to NYC in a couple of months.
I'm just miserable here. I'm not happy. I'm sad and depressed. I'm stressed. I'm not saying I've always been a super happy person, but I haven't been this upset about everything since high school. I don't feel like myself. When I went back home I felt like me. I was complete. I come back here and its like I have no idea who this girl is. For example, yesterday my boyfriend comes home and he tell me that were going to be going to Vegas in a month. I've ALWAYS wanted to go to Vegas and I wasn't the least bit excited. I'm a fucking robot! There's no other explanation for it. My mom then tells me the other day after I told her that I don't feel like myself. She says to me "its funny that you say that because I was telling your dad the other day that when you're around Eric you don't act like yourself." After she said that to me I realized that I really don't. For some reason I seem to act mature? I'm the least mature person ever, lol. I mean I know when I have to act mature but I'm usually silly and outgoing and random and I guess sometimes bubbly lol. But I'm not any of that when I'm around him. So after that I decided the other day when I spoke to my mom that I want to move back to NYC. I told my boyfriend the other day how I feel and that I want to go back and I guess he's accepted it.
On to the next one.. The boyfriend and I. Its true what they say about moving in with someone. How you really get to know a person. Well living with him doesn't even feel like we are even living together. Let's just say I feel like I live alone even though I don't. We barely speak to one another. I just don't feel like I'm in a relationship anymore. For example, all day yesterday we barely spoke. Last night we went out to a bar with his sister and once she came around he was all talkative and shit. Why wasn't he that talkative with me all day? He also took it upon himself to tell her about a certain job opportunity that he mentioned to me but hasn't spoken about it since. This is something that you tell your girlfriend, you know? Ugh. Things were so much better when we were back in NYC and didn't live together. I want it to be like that again and I know it wont't be. Its like this.. I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with this relationship. Therefore I know he can't be happy either. Its not fair to either one of us.
In other news, I reconnected with an old friend during my time back home. Hadn't seen him in over four years. We've always kept in touch through the years but manged to never see one another. Anyways, he came over Christmas eve and I swear I don't think I've ever been so nervous or excited to see someone ever in my life, haha. I went to meet him at the train station and when I saw him waiting and when he turned around I literally ran to him. He pick me up and I swear I hugged him for a good 5 minutes not letting go and neither did he. It was great. At that moment every single feeling I've ever had for that boy came flying at me in full force! I seriously was not expecting that to happen at all. I mean yeah okay, when we've hung out in the past after high school the feelings were always still there but it was nothing like it was that night. We got back to my parents place he said his hellos to my rents who he hasn't seen in years. We sat down had a beer and just started talking. Catching up on everything in our lives. Next thing I knew we were both spilling our hearts out about the past and our brief relationship in high school and that it was a huge mistake that we broke up. I always knew it was a mistake, but I didn't know how big of a mistake it was until that very moment. I think we both realized it then. Not only did I spill my heart out about this but I opened up about being in CA and my current relationship. I said things that I wouldn't normally tell anyone. Things I'd write in my home journal or keep in my head. But I said everything. I was actually in shock. Haven't been able to open up like that in, well never. Yesterday I was talking to my brothers girlfriend about being in CA and then all of a sudden the conversation took a 180 degree turn and we started talking about him lol. She was telling me that the 45 minutes they spent talking while I was in the kitchen finishing up my cheesecake, that all he did was talk about me and how he wished things were different. How he wished that he was there and with me and holding my hand. He swore that if we never broke up in high school we'd be together still and probably married. She said that while he was speaking you could tell he was fitting back tears and that every chance he got he would look at me. Talk about breaking a girls heart lol. I've only ever regretted two things in my 24 years on this Earth. Never going to London in JHS and breaking up with him and breaking his heart. I am now forever stuck always wondering "what if.." And I hate that more than anything. We've never been able to start back up the relationship from the past because either he was in a relationship or I was or we both were in one (which is the case now.) And if it wasn't that whenever we were both single we didn't speak as often. I guess its just never been in the stars for us. I've accepted it. As much as it breaks my heart but maybe were just not meant to be. Will always have out pact though, which by the way we've lowered to 35 instead of 40, haha. He's just such an amazing person and being around him you just feel his good vibes being sent to you and it automatically makes you feel better. He's someone you want to always keep around. He's one of those people no matter how long it is that you don't see or speak to one another, its as if no time passes between you. That's a true friend. He has always been one of my closet friends. Love him so much. More than he'd ever know.
On a lighter note, I've become obsessed with nail polish lol. I have a shit ton of polish that I have brought over the past 6 or so months. Its not a healthy obsession but everyone has got to be obsessed with something right?.. Just say yes. It will make me feel better inside, haha.
Ugh! I miss my cat. He always makes me happy just by being in the same room as I am.
I clearly have nothing else left to say. Thanks for dropping by! Enjoy the quote below before you leave lol ;)
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." - Louis L'amour
Yep. I am in CA. Been here almost 2 months now and I officially hate it. Moved out here to be with my boyfriend. Thought it was going to be a great thing seeing as how I've always wanted to leave NYC and try something different. But CA is just NOT for me at all. I went home for the holidays and realized so much about myself. I've always said that I wanted out of NYC. That I hate it. That I wasn't happy there. Basically, I was and still am an idiot. I can't believe I've ever said I wasn't happy there. I had SO much to be happy about. I had my family, who are the best. I had my close friends, who are fantastic. Now that I'm out here in CA I don't have any of that. I'm alone. I've also come to realize that when I always said that I hated NYC and wanted out was only partially true. Only partially true because yes I want to leave NYC but not move out. I want to travel. I want to see as much of the world as I possibly can and then come back home to my family and friends. I guess you don't realize how much you love home until you leave it. So with all of that being said, I will most likely be moving back to NYC in a couple of months.
I'm just miserable here. I'm not happy. I'm sad and depressed. I'm stressed. I'm not saying I've always been a super happy person, but I haven't been this upset about everything since high school. I don't feel like myself. When I went back home I felt like me. I was complete. I come back here and its like I have no idea who this girl is. For example, yesterday my boyfriend comes home and he tell me that were going to be going to Vegas in a month. I've ALWAYS wanted to go to Vegas and I wasn't the least bit excited. I'm a fucking robot! There's no other explanation for it. My mom then tells me the other day after I told her that I don't feel like myself. She says to me "its funny that you say that because I was telling your dad the other day that when you're around Eric you don't act like yourself." After she said that to me I realized that I really don't. For some reason I seem to act mature? I'm the least mature person ever, lol. I mean I know when I have to act mature but I'm usually silly and outgoing and random and I guess sometimes bubbly lol. But I'm not any of that when I'm around him. So after that I decided the other day when I spoke to my mom that I want to move back to NYC. I told my boyfriend the other day how I feel and that I want to go back and I guess he's accepted it.
On to the next one.. The boyfriend and I. Its true what they say about moving in with someone. How you really get to know a person. Well living with him doesn't even feel like we are even living together. Let's just say I feel like I live alone even though I don't. We barely speak to one another. I just don't feel like I'm in a relationship anymore. For example, all day yesterday we barely spoke. Last night we went out to a bar with his sister and once she came around he was all talkative and shit. Why wasn't he that talkative with me all day? He also took it upon himself to tell her about a certain job opportunity that he mentioned to me but hasn't spoken about it since. This is something that you tell your girlfriend, you know? Ugh. Things were so much better when we were back in NYC and didn't live together. I want it to be like that again and I know it wont't be. Its like this.. I'm not happy here and I'm not happy with this relationship. Therefore I know he can't be happy either. Its not fair to either one of us.
In other news, I reconnected with an old friend during my time back home. Hadn't seen him in over four years. We've always kept in touch through the years but manged to never see one another. Anyways, he came over Christmas eve and I swear I don't think I've ever been so nervous or excited to see someone ever in my life, haha. I went to meet him at the train station and when I saw him waiting and when he turned around I literally ran to him. He pick me up and I swear I hugged him for a good 5 minutes not letting go and neither did he. It was great. At that moment every single feeling I've ever had for that boy came flying at me in full force! I seriously was not expecting that to happen at all. I mean yeah okay, when we've hung out in the past after high school the feelings were always still there but it was nothing like it was that night. We got back to my parents place he said his hellos to my rents who he hasn't seen in years. We sat down had a beer and just started talking. Catching up on everything in our lives. Next thing I knew we were both spilling our hearts out about the past and our brief relationship in high school and that it was a huge mistake that we broke up. I always knew it was a mistake, but I didn't know how big of a mistake it was until that very moment. I think we both realized it then. Not only did I spill my heart out about this but I opened up about being in CA and my current relationship. I said things that I wouldn't normally tell anyone. Things I'd write in my home journal or keep in my head. But I said everything. I was actually in shock. Haven't been able to open up like that in, well never. Yesterday I was talking to my brothers girlfriend about being in CA and then all of a sudden the conversation took a 180 degree turn and we started talking about him lol. She was telling me that the 45 minutes they spent talking while I was in the kitchen finishing up my cheesecake, that all he did was talk about me and how he wished things were different. How he wished that he was there and with me and holding my hand. He swore that if we never broke up in high school we'd be together still and probably married. She said that while he was speaking you could tell he was fitting back tears and that every chance he got he would look at me. Talk about breaking a girls heart lol. I've only ever regretted two things in my 24 years on this Earth. Never going to London in JHS and breaking up with him and breaking his heart. I am now forever stuck always wondering "what if.." And I hate that more than anything. We've never been able to start back up the relationship from the past because either he was in a relationship or I was or we both were in one (which is the case now.) And if it wasn't that whenever we were both single we didn't speak as often. I guess its just never been in the stars for us. I've accepted it. As much as it breaks my heart but maybe were just not meant to be. Will always have out pact though, which by the way we've lowered to 35 instead of 40, haha. He's just such an amazing person and being around him you just feel his good vibes being sent to you and it automatically makes you feel better. He's someone you want to always keep around. He's one of those people no matter how long it is that you don't see or speak to one another, its as if no time passes between you. That's a true friend. He has always been one of my closet friends. Love him so much. More than he'd ever know.
On a lighter note, I've become obsessed with nail polish lol. I have a shit ton of polish that I have brought over the past 6 or so months. Its not a healthy obsession but everyone has got to be obsessed with something right?.. Just say yes. It will make me feel better inside, haha.
Ugh! I miss my cat. He always makes me happy just by being in the same room as I am.
I clearly have nothing else left to say. Thanks for dropping by! Enjoy the quote below before you leave lol ;)
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." - Louis L'amour