This is MY year..
.. Happy New Year ..
I'm back from LA.. the trip was great, except for the fact that I was surrounded by old people and the only people my age that I could find were the band geeks from Pomona High School in Colorado that were staying at the Crowne Plaza hotel with us because they were marching in the Rose Parade. I still had fun though..
Day 1:
Took 9 hours to get from Davis to Anaheim (home to Disneyland.. in fact, the Magic Kingdom was right down the street from the hotel [The Crowne Plaza.. anyone wanna tell me why Crown has an 'e' at the end?]) We went to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, then went to a Christmas production by the Crystal Cathedral about the birth of Jesus. Kinda weird since I'm so anti-religion, but I do admit, albeit grudingly, that it was really good. They had live animals, and one of the wisemen's camels reminded me of my dog, Harley.. hehe. Anyways, when we got back, we holed up in the hotel room for the rest of the night. The beds were really comfy, and they had these cool red pillows that matched my room perfectly (My grandma, Ire and I each stole one.. hehehe)
Day 2:
Tour of Hollywood/LA. Our guide was Phillip, from London. Loved the accent, but he was old and probably gay, so I was able to keep control of my hormones quite easily. Still, I love a man with an accent. *sighs* Anyways, we went to the Kodak Theatre (where they hold the Oscars) and got to stand on the stage and walk where the red carpet is placed.. very cool. Also went to Mann's Chinese Theatre, and I was happily surprised to find my hand's the same size as Ms. Marilyn Monroe's. Very cool. I've a newfound fascination for her, I do confess. We toured other old, amazingly beautiful theaters contructed during the glitz and glamour of 30's and 40's Hollywood. God, I wish I had lived there during that era.. *sighs*
Day 3:
Went to tour the last minute preparations of the Rose Parade floats. Woulda been fun, if it hadn't been raining cats and dogs (not men, unfortunatley.. hehe.. that was a really bad joke, but I just could't resist). My uncle joined us, but I didn't really see him much (he's the Dean of Admissions at Occidental, the college I want to attend). Anyways, it SUCKED.My pants and shoes/socks were completely soaked.. the water had drenched by pants up to my KNEES. We had to wait for a fucking hour in the rain to get from the first tent of floats to the second, and Ire and I were pissed. It still makes me mad when I think about it. Of all the idiotic activities to do.. grrrr! That night (it being New Years Eve and all..) we went to this place called Tibbies, where the waiters (and waitressess.. don't wanna be sexist to my own species, and all.. lol) do a performance as well as serve us food. Fun stuff. We celebrated the New York New Year at 9:00 (my grandparents let us have Champagne.. my first taste of it.. woot, woot! *winks*) and we made it home by 9:30. Ire had a surprise for me, too. She'd gotten a beer from someone staying in the hotel the day before, and we shared it at midnight. It tasted like feet, but I was ecstatic to drink it.. No more can Jessica claim to be an alcohol virgin *does a happy dance* lol
Day 4:
We had to be ready by 4:00 am. How crazy is that? I was such a bitch that day.. lol. No sleep makes me cranky. Anyways, that was Rose Parade day. We were in the top row of the stands at the corner of Colorado and Hill across from a Carls Jr., but it doesn't really matter as I wasn't on TV. *tear* My moment of spotlight never came, damn. It was really cool though. I'm glad I can say that I was there. Anyways, afterward, we got back on the bus and drove to Davis.. Ire and I slept most of the way home, which helped pass the time. That was yesterday. This morning my grandparents drove me back home, and I'm so glad to be here. The cliché really is true -- There's no place like home!
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Anyways, I'm hoping this new year will be great. I want.. so much. So far, it's turning out to be my year of firsts, and I'm hoping of that continuing. Ya know, I had a talk with Irene on New Years Eve.. She had asked me, as she stood there smoking, if I had ever wanted to try. And I hesitated in answering. A part of me screamed 'NO!' but another part, a quieter part, whispered 'yes..' And I had an epiphany, my first, I think. I'm tired of being so predictable. I'm the quintessential "good girl." 4.2 GPA, never any trouble, liked by most everyone, and basically untouched. Before that night, I'd never tasted alcohol, and even still, I've never smoked, never been kissed (or even had a boyfriend, for God's sake!), I've never gotten anything less than a B on a report card.. During 2004 I started to break out of my shell.. but as soon as I faced trouble, I hurriedly fixed the breaks and took up the role of 'good girl' yet again, and I'm sick of it.
Most of all though, I'm lonely. Not alone, no, not in the least; but lonely, yes, very much so.. I'll be 17 in 5 months.. my friends protest my thinking that there's something wrong with me.. but how many normal, average 16-year-olds have never been kissed, or had a boyfriend? Not many.. and it hurts. Oh, not like a sharp pain, more like a constant ache that throbs relentlessly in the depths of my soul.. Especially this year, it seems. I don't know why. Maybe it's because Ire has this amazing boyfriend in Italy who she seems to want nothing to do with now, or just the fact that another year has passed and nothing's happened, but it hurts. Oh god, it hurts. Mother Teresa once said something to the effect of "The worst pain in the world is lonlieness and the feeling of being unloved" and I agree. I don't know why no one wants me, but I'm hoping, and praying to a God I barely believe in anymore that that changes during this year.
I guess my New Year's Resolution is this: To change. I want to be better, to do better, to know better. I want to experience what I haven't before. I want confidence and intelligence. I want self-esteem, trials, and tribulations. I want it all. I want the world. But most of all, I want to know who I truly am, and be happy. I don't know if 2005 is enough for me to accomplish everything, but I hope it's enough for me to start. I'm sick of depression, repression, and secession from my life.
Is the ability to wake up with a smile on my face too much to ask?
I'm back from LA.. the trip was great, except for the fact that I was surrounded by old people and the only people my age that I could find were the band geeks from Pomona High School in Colorado that were staying at the Crowne Plaza hotel with us because they were marching in the Rose Parade. I still had fun though..
Day 1:
Took 9 hours to get from Davis to Anaheim (home to Disneyland.. in fact, the Magic Kingdom was right down the street from the hotel [The Crowne Plaza.. anyone wanna tell me why Crown has an 'e' at the end?]) We went to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, then went to a Christmas production by the Crystal Cathedral about the birth of Jesus. Kinda weird since I'm so anti-religion, but I do admit, albeit grudingly, that it was really good. They had live animals, and one of the wisemen's camels reminded me of my dog, Harley.. hehe. Anyways, when we got back, we holed up in the hotel room for the rest of the night. The beds were really comfy, and they had these cool red pillows that matched my room perfectly (My grandma, Ire and I each stole one.. hehehe)
Day 2:
Tour of Hollywood/LA. Our guide was Phillip, from London. Loved the accent, but he was old and probably gay, so I was able to keep control of my hormones quite easily. Still, I love a man with an accent. *sighs* Anyways, we went to the Kodak Theatre (where they hold the Oscars) and got to stand on the stage and walk where the red carpet is placed.. very cool. Also went to Mann's Chinese Theatre, and I was happily surprised to find my hand's the same size as Ms. Marilyn Monroe's. Very cool. I've a newfound fascination for her, I do confess. We toured other old, amazingly beautiful theaters contructed during the glitz and glamour of 30's and 40's Hollywood. God, I wish I had lived there during that era.. *sighs*
Day 3:
Went to tour the last minute preparations of the Rose Parade floats. Woulda been fun, if it hadn't been raining cats and dogs (not men, unfortunatley.. hehe.. that was a really bad joke, but I just could't resist). My uncle joined us, but I didn't really see him much (he's the Dean of Admissions at Occidental, the college I want to attend). Anyways, it SUCKED.My pants and shoes/socks were completely soaked.. the water had drenched by pants up to my KNEES. We had to wait for a fucking hour in the rain to get from the first tent of floats to the second, and Ire and I were pissed. It still makes me mad when I think about it. Of all the idiotic activities to do.. grrrr! That night (it being New Years Eve and all..) we went to this place called Tibbies, where the waiters (and waitressess.. don't wanna be sexist to my own species, and all.. lol) do a performance as well as serve us food. Fun stuff. We celebrated the New York New Year at 9:00 (my grandparents let us have Champagne.. my first taste of it.. woot, woot! *winks*) and we made it home by 9:30. Ire had a surprise for me, too. She'd gotten a beer from someone staying in the hotel the day before, and we shared it at midnight. It tasted like feet, but I was ecstatic to drink it.. No more can Jessica claim to be an alcohol virgin *does a happy dance* lol
Day 4:
We had to be ready by 4:00 am. How crazy is that? I was such a bitch that day.. lol. No sleep makes me cranky. Anyways, that was Rose Parade day. We were in the top row of the stands at the corner of Colorado and Hill across from a Carls Jr., but it doesn't really matter as I wasn't on TV. *tear* My moment of spotlight never came, damn. It was really cool though. I'm glad I can say that I was there. Anyways, afterward, we got back on the bus and drove to Davis.. Ire and I slept most of the way home, which helped pass the time. That was yesterday. This morning my grandparents drove me back home, and I'm so glad to be here. The cliché really is true -- There's no place like home!
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Anyways, I'm hoping this new year will be great. I want.. so much. So far, it's turning out to be my year of firsts, and I'm hoping of that continuing. Ya know, I had a talk with Irene on New Years Eve.. She had asked me, as she stood there smoking, if I had ever wanted to try. And I hesitated in answering. A part of me screamed 'NO!' but another part, a quieter part, whispered 'yes..' And I had an epiphany, my first, I think. I'm tired of being so predictable. I'm the quintessential "good girl." 4.2 GPA, never any trouble, liked by most everyone, and basically untouched. Before that night, I'd never tasted alcohol, and even still, I've never smoked, never been kissed (or even had a boyfriend, for God's sake!), I've never gotten anything less than a B on a report card.. During 2004 I started to break out of my shell.. but as soon as I faced trouble, I hurriedly fixed the breaks and took up the role of 'good girl' yet again, and I'm sick of it.
Most of all though, I'm lonely. Not alone, no, not in the least; but lonely, yes, very much so.. I'll be 17 in 5 months.. my friends protest my thinking that there's something wrong with me.. but how many normal, average 16-year-olds have never been kissed, or had a boyfriend? Not many.. and it hurts. Oh, not like a sharp pain, more like a constant ache that throbs relentlessly in the depths of my soul.. Especially this year, it seems. I don't know why. Maybe it's because Ire has this amazing boyfriend in Italy who she seems to want nothing to do with now, or just the fact that another year has passed and nothing's happened, but it hurts. Oh god, it hurts. Mother Teresa once said something to the effect of "The worst pain in the world is lonlieness and the feeling of being unloved" and I agree. I don't know why no one wants me, but I'm hoping, and praying to a God I barely believe in anymore that that changes during this year.
I guess my New Year's Resolution is this: To change. I want to be better, to do better, to know better. I want to experience what I haven't before. I want confidence and intelligence. I want self-esteem, trials, and tribulations. I want it all. I want the world. But most of all, I want to know who I truly am, and be happy. I don't know if 2005 is enough for me to accomplish everything, but I hope it's enough for me to start. I'm sick of depression, repression, and secession from my life.
Is the ability to wake up with a smile on my face too much to ask?