it's not the way i'm supposed to be it's just the way the operation made me

[fallen_grace]

Well its been...a few weeks....I dunno, who cares, who reads this thing anyway? No one. Thursday is my last day of school...and giving that I pass both my classes I will officially have my Bachelors degree, yay, woohoo, go me. I think the feeling of accomplishment is kind of lost and hollow by now. I don't know what I am going to do now really. It's almost Christmas and I feel...ugh. Something is wrong with me...physically, it's hard to walk and my doctor's don't seem to know what's wrong. Maybe the lump in my foot will be cancer and I'll just die....no with my luck I'll just get my foot cut off. OK I know I'm not funny...don't send me a bunch of messages....I'm just kidding really. But everything does seem really fucked up lately...I'm lonely. I feel worthless blah blah blah...whine whine whine, it's not even worth it to complain. I need something to go right, just one thing. I can't meet a guy because they're all fucked up and treat me like crap and use me and blah blah blah, I can't make any friends cuz I'm all fucked up. My family's all fucked up...my sister's been missing for a week and no one seems to care. At least not enough to tell me when it happens. 7 days and she hasn't called, 7 days and I don't know if she's ok, 7 days and my parents just go on living. 7 days. I don't know if she's hurt, or scared, or if she's eaten or if she's sleeping in a house or in a park. I can't do anything but cry which really doesn't do anything at all. Maybe if i had been there more, maybe if I had said more, or tried more. But what will happen when she comes home...she'll get sent away to reform school or boarding school or whatever you want to pretend it is, the truth is she'll get sent away like the dirty little secret, like the unperfect child, because there are no unperfect children in your family, everyone is good on the outside, while they die on the inside. If you can just hide who they are then you're life is perfect. The third times a charm, the third child is perfect and the first two were just practice.

And to end all end...my ex-boyfriend wrote me...after a whole year...after I have been thinking about him but pushing him out of my mind...

Please end my hell.

can't you do it for me, i'll pay you well
fuck i'll pay you anything if you could end this

can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
fuck i'll give you anything if
you can make the damn thing work

can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you could end this
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?