nobody's home
I guess I'm slacking on updating, but yeah...whatever. Lately...it's been too much to handle. I had a nightmare(scared the shit out of me)...Zac was acting weird(though I didn't know why because he never tells me what's going on)...Zac decides that he wants to "take a lil break" but still be "good friends and shit"(so much for his promises that he swore he'd never break)...had an emotional breakdown(from everything else and losing someone I thought I really loved and loved me)...went to a party and ended up finding someone that likes me, A LOT(though I'm sorry to say that I really don't like him and I feel bad that I fucked with his head)...school(really fucking depressing anymore)...Zac told me yesterday that he still loves me and acts like a boyfriend again(I thought we were on break? What are we now? Does he realize he broke his promises and hurt me?)...felt abnormally happy today(and honestly didn't like it one bit)...happiness ended(kind of relieving, yet this feeling's not any better either)...thinking of how I'm going to handle all of this shit. It's like everyday all I ever want to do is hide somewhere in a corner away from everyone else and just cry...it just hurts that much. And it's not like this whole christmas thing is helping either. I fucking hate christmas as it is, let alone all this shit going too. It's always just a really depressing holiday...especially this year. I really thought things were going good and that I'd actually have some happiness and someone to share it with, but it all took a downfall and it looks like a breakdown for christmas instead. I can't even think about it all anymore...there's just so much going on. And I don't mean to sound pathetic about it all, but now...it really does hurt this much. I wanted nothing more than to be happy this year for christmas, but it's just not happening. I tried, but it didn't work. And the whole thing about Zac...what the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't know what he's thinking, or what's going on, or what he wants to do, or if he even loves me anymore(though he says he still does)...but he's still acting a little weird and it's really scaring me. He made his promises and swore he wouldn't break them...but he did and I don't that he realizes he did and how much it really hurt. It's not just something I can say okay to and be fine with it all again...I'm not that strong. I knew that if I got myself wrapped up in this that I wouldn't make it out okay...possibly worse. I let myself fall so hard for something that may not be there tomorrow, but it just looked so good...like it was actually an okay thing. But I don't even know anymore, though it would be nice to. I really do love him that much, but what he's doing hurts worse. Do I really have something good and it's just taking time?...or am I holding on to something that wasn't really there to begin with? I'm so confused. I really just want to know what's going on...and if there's anything left. Maybe...maybe that nightmare wasn't about Zac...maybe it was me. Things have a way of turning around like that. I don't know. I guess I'm done. <3