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This is long like whoa ya'll... dont share the thoughts you have, with those random people you meet...they'll take them and run, run far away from you and never coming back to help you again...they listen once and then dont wanna hear of your troubles, your pain, your hard times ever again...they cant understand the words that they are hearing...they hear the words and think they understand but they honestly dont and then they start to feel sorry for you...but yet...you dont want them to feel sorry for you, thats not why you told them in the first place, you told them thinking you could trust them but in all actually you cant trust them because they will throw everything you just told them back in your face sometime in the future or they will just up and leave you, never to look back at what and who they are leaving behind...they leave and act like it all meant nothing, meant nothing for you to share you hopes, your dreams, your love, your pain of your life and they just dont care, never cared in the beginning but wanted your attention and wanted you to listen but thats all they wanted, was YOUR attention and for YOU to listen, they didnt want to listen when you needed them, that one rare time that you needed them, they werent there for you, and they arent going to give you their attention, no thats just too much for them to actually care about what you have to say...its as if they came into the friendship knowing they were going to use you and yet they still had the heart to do it...then when you share the things that are the hardest to share with someone, that one rare person you find that you think you can actually tell, you get all that you can out just to find out that its all going to back fire and all your trust you had in that person has now been broken and is now being taken back without question, reassuring everything you ever knew...the past you lived and thought you were starting to get out of has now come back and its all just a huge slap in the face...from the one person you never expected to turn out like all the rest, well they have, so choose but choose wisely before you choose, know what you are choosing and know that it will be the right choice...ok well im not sure where all this came from...what if i did?...my life is out of control...i dont know who i am anymore and apparently im not the same person i used to be to everyone around me...i honestly dont know anymore and im about ready to give up...yo i have a bunch of people telling me im hot...and i dont think i am so yo stop...gah its crazy like whoa everyone seems to be telling me this lately...but yeah moving on...but yeah my mom is killing me she gets upset over the littlest things...my birthday is coming up soon...my step-dad offically doesnt have a job anymore...my parents are always yelling at me lately...but whatever...if your looking at my life from the outside...dont judge what you think you see...its all lies and decption...my life as you look at it from the outside you see this big house (2...if you count my dads)...a nice jeep...a lot of nice clothes...pretty much anything anyone could ever want...but yet when i look from the inside...my life isnt all that great...just because of everything someone has doesnt make them happy...normally its the little things that make people happy...they think that all the material posessions will make them happy but no...it doesnt...just to love someone and be loved...that can make someone happy...to care about someone and have someone care back...money doesnt determine happiness...i hate how people always ask how can you be so depressed all the time and yet have a great life...you havent lived what ive lived...you dont go through what i do...you dont know what i deal everyday...you dont know what goes on...you know what you see...everything changes when people are around...everything seems wonderful but no...its so not...wow...random tangents...i was just thinking about how my dad asked me what was wrong after he said that i have everything i could ever want...how does he know that?...just because i have material things doesnt mean i want them...nor does it mean i have everything i want...there are more things to life than material posessions...What if I were to get up and leave, Leave everything behind. Leaving earth, Leaving all the ones I love, All the ones I care about, Would it matter? Would it truely, Honestly matter if I disappeared? I'm sure it would only matter, Only matter to a few people. I sit here thinking about my life, The ones I love, Wanting to die, Wondering if the person I love, Loves me back. I'm not sure they understand how I feel, How much I care to see them happy, How much I love them, If their happiness is with someone, I want them to do what they need to be happy, Yeah I'd love to be with the one I love, But I'm not too sure thats gonna happen. I honestly don't know what to do, What to do about my life anymore. I just want everyone to be happy, All my friends to be happy, With whatever that takes, As long as they are happy. To me, my happiness It doesn't matter, But my friends and loved ones, Their happiness matters, I honestly don't know. I wonder a lot what if...What if I died? What if I disappear? What if I loved you? What if I cared? What if I was unsure? What if I never knew what was on your mind? What if I wish I knew? What if I dared? What if...ok so yeah...im going to end up pushing the people who actually do care out of my life if im not careful...i dont like how my life is going...but on another note...i found out that over the weekend my friend and her mom got into it and so now she has a huge black eye...i didnt even have to ask to know what had happened...then later i did ask and i found out that what i assumed was right...but yo my life is hell...my mind is racing...i dont know what to do...i dont know what im thinking...life is way too complicated sometimes...i have way too much to think about...lets see i kinda pieced things together today and realized nothing will ever go right for me...so whatever...i mean i thought things were good but then no...then i realized i thought wrong...i forced it to go right i guess in a way...i hate feeling this way...i feel like the dumb-stupid-ass that i am...and always will be...the person who never does anything right and never will...then i got yelled at by my teacher who seems to be about the only who cares about me right now...and even most of the time she doesnt seem to care...and she yelled because i could have an A in her AP (advanced placement) class but dont...and then i just dont know what to do...i just wanna disappear and restort to everything ive ever known...cutting...but yeah if i do that my life will spin even more out of control...and the old expression can apply to alot of things in my life...people dont realize what they have until its gone...and i know im not being direct but thats because i dont wanna be...there is way too much shit going on...i mean damn ive cried for almost a week straight now and not slept except last night i finally slept after passing out from crying so much...im slowing killing myself...i just dont know what to do anymore and i honestly dont know where to turn anymore...i mean the people around me have no clue about whats going on and thats not their fault because i wont let em know...because i dont want people to worry...and i dont get why people care about me anyways...im a waste of air...like people tell me everyday (whether joking or not) im a waste of time, air, effort, and space...im not worth shit...i guess after hearing this for so long from even my friends i have begun to believe it...i just dont know anymore...i dont know anything...i used to do great in school and i used to play sports and i used to love to spend time with my family...but i no longer care and i could careless that im failing school...i could careless that about any sport except basketball...and i just dont care about anyone or anything except my friends...even the friends who tell me im worthless and a waste of time and a waste...i swear i come home everyday and cry for hours and dont stop crying unless im eating dinner with my family (which doesnt happen much) and then i go back to crying and i now know why i am lonely...i know why everyone tells me im a waste...i know why im worthless...life is way too complicated...i dont get it...i mean damn...you can think you've got it figured out then all the sudden something happens and your completely lost again...its like you dig yourself into a hole...finally you climb out and get thrown right back in...or the deep end of the pool...i just hate it like mad crazy...im getting majorly depressed right now...and im finding that there aren't many people i can turn to lately...i used to have people and people who i knew cared and knew loved me and would love me no matter what happened between us or what i did...then i lost that...and now i have people who tell me they care and tell me they love me...but i dont know...i dont know whether to believe them or not...i just wish i knew...i mean its hard for me to understand why someone would care about me...i know people do but i dont know why...i dont know where to turn anymore or where to run and i hate running away from my problems and thats what i always find myself doing because thats what i learned growing up and i dont know different...idk...i just have no clue anymore and its tearing me up inside...i dont think i can take it much longer...im going crazy; not sleeping, barely eating, getting sick all the time...i dont know how much longer i can take it all without that stupid shit i used to do in my life...i just dont know...well...im sitting here thinking about this life i live...not sure what to make of it...i think i have it figured out then i get thrown something and it completely throws off everything ive already known...its not fun...i seem to find myself in this hole...its like a hole no one knows im in and no one will help me get out of...theres no way to get out of the hole...there used to be this rope to help me climb out but someone took that rope...its gone...then there came another one and i took that...i let it go...its as if my chances of healing the pain are slowly disappearing and i cant get them back...its when you mess up and you want the forgiveness you need but no one is willing to give it to you...hopefully i dont hurt anyone else close to me...that kills me the most...well...have you ever had someone turn their back on you but yet come to look at things and find out that it was actually you who turned your back to the world? well i found myself in that situation not too long ago...it sucked...its like you look around and notice that there is no one there for you anymore and you ask yourself where everyone is and you think about the whole situation that has happened before you come to realize that you have completely turned your back on the world...closing yourself out of everyone elses life...they tried so hard to stay and tried so hard to help but yet you wouldn't let em or yet you pushed them too far and to a point where they couldnt take it anymore and just said fine if you want out of my life then go...then you once you realize what you have done you try to make amends to what you have let happen and you cant make amends because people have left...yet the good true friend will make amends with you and start off like nothing happened and try to make sure it doesnt happen again...its kinda one of those situations i seem to find myself in a lot...but once i found myself being reached by someone who had shut me out then i shut them out and they are now trying to make things right...or atleast they were...but they kinda stopped, guess it wasnt too important to them to have that relationship back...guess they dont care they hurt you for so many years...but yet you have to look past that and forgive but never forget...and its hard to forgive but you have to find it somewhere in your heart and forgive someone...just hope it doesnt happen again so you dont have to go through it again...thats the hardest...and have you ever had someone you care about so much...and you try to help them but you get no where? i have...its not fun...you try so hard to help them but yet they wont let you...its like they dont want you to care or want you to even be there for them...i mean when i say im here to help you when you need it i mean it...i dont say it because i feel like i have too...it just sucks to want to help someone so bad and you care about them so much just to think they dont care or love you back...i mean im sure they do its just hard to tell...and its even harder to know that they think they are a waste of your time or they should be...if somethings a waste of my time im not going to bother...but yet when i care about someone they are far from a waste of my time...i guess i cant help who i am and how much i care about people...i just hope they know i care about them...wether they want me to or not i care...its hard for me to not care about my friends...and its hard for me to not be able to help them...well im out...