A Really Really Bad Day
Well, where do I begin? Jay and I had a fight, but this time my eyes were really opened to the reality of the situation. Friends is all we can be from here. As a matter of fact, his comment was "when you touch me I cringe." He says it's our age difference, but I still wonder. This hurts so bad. We went from everything being wonderful to everything falling down around me. I swear. I had everything in my grasp. College, a job, a car, and a relationship, then it all fell apart. I wish this could have happened six months ago, then I wouldn't be sitting here crying watching him sleep and bleeding to an internet that doesn't know my name. I wanted this to work out so badly. It just infuriates me that I fell so fast for him. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I just want to kick myself. The worst part is, not only did I lose him as far as relationship wise, I may lose him as far as a friendship goes too. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to go home. I'm the worlds worst about running away from pain, and this is no different. At least at home I wouldn't have to look at him. He wanted me to scratch his back tonight, but I couldn't. It hurts too bad to touch him. At this point I am mad at God. Why do I keep falling for people just to get hurt? Words can't describe how badly I'm hurting right now. My chest feels like it's going to explode. I can't even look over there at him without beginning to cry. It got so bad I had to get up off the couch and come get on the computer and pray that I could wear myself out enough to get some sleep without throwing up. I just want to hug him, and tell him how deeply I care for him and how scared I am that it will never change. Right now I'm hurting so badly I really don't even want to go on with a friendship, but I can't imagine my life without him in it in some way. I'm just so sick of getting hurt like this. We have been through so much, and now it was all in vain. I've tried so hard to make things work, and better myself, and it was no use. Everyone at home is telling me I'm not a failure for this, but I feel like I am. I feel like I have failed him, and myself. I promised myself that this time would be different, and I wouldn't fall unless I saw that it was safe, well I lied to myself, and look what it cost me. I jumped and hoped for a net, when I should have found the net then jumped, and now I'm hurting for it. I just don't understand. He doesn't seem to be phased. I wonder if he knew this was how it was going to be all along but just didn't tell me. That's some shit. I really wanna find a light at this tunnel, but I'm scared it's just gonna be a train. I think I'm going to call Jo.