lets get drunk you can drive us to the harbor, wish upon a star but do you know what stars are...
Teach me how to fix it. Teach me how to help.
I hate seeing him in pain. It bothers me because I know exactly what hes going through. I know how badly the flashbacks hurt, I know the agnony of sleepless nights. All I want to do is help but I do not know how. I have never been able to help myself with this, so how am I supposed to help another? But he is my best friend and it feels like something inside me is slowly dying as I watch him be tortured by all of it.
I just want to take away the pain for him. I'm trying, but I dont know what to do.
Matty , you would have known what to do. Its times like these when I really wish I could talk to you and ask for your advice. on many things. On this, on family, on boys, on life.
Oh Matty, I dont know what to do. I miss you terribly, this summer has been so hard without you. Mom had pulled out the homevideos in our basement...they were separated into two piles. I didnt know what the piles were for, so I just picked up a video and popped it in. And there was my 4th birthday and you were dancing and singing for the camera, hamming it up as usual. I wanted to cry and turn off the television but I couldnt pull my eyes away from the screen. I watched every single one. Hours and hours on end of seeing your smiling face again and hearing your famous laugh. It made you seem so much closer, it made me remember everything we've done in the past. The videos went as recent as last summer, the last time I had seen you. You were laughing as Stevie and I were mockin one of our aunts. You were so happy, so alive. Thats what I have the most trouble with...seeing and remembering you being so full of life and now that life is just gone...
You would have been so proud of us this summer. I know you always worried about our mothers, so Stevie and I have done our best to behave. Which isnt much (no, no jetskis were "borrowed" this summer...yet). So really we've done our best not to let our mothers find out. haha. Just the way you would have done it. We learned all our tricks from you, ya know. I dont think you ever realized how much of an influence you were on us. Lets just say...this summer, you would be very proud of me :)
And as for boys, well...
I have given up. I know its not worth it, I know it will never amount to anything. I love being with him but I know this can only go so far. No, I am not trying to sabotage it before it has even started. It has started. And I know, deep down, soon it will end. Unless there is suddenly a dramatic change of heart, unless someone decides to do the impossible, unless he just kisses me with so much passion I can feel it down to my core, unless...then I'll believe. I'll believe in him, in us, in perfect timing, in fate, in everything happens for a reason, in love, in relationships, in new beginnings...I'll believe in so much, so much that I desperately want to believe in.
Looking at him makes me want to believe so badly.
Whats the cost of believing? I'd pay anything...
I hate seeing him in pain. It bothers me because I know exactly what hes going through. I know how badly the flashbacks hurt, I know the agnony of sleepless nights. All I want to do is help but I do not know how. I have never been able to help myself with this, so how am I supposed to help another? But he is my best friend and it feels like something inside me is slowly dying as I watch him be tortured by all of it.
I just want to take away the pain for him. I'm trying, but I dont know what to do.
Matty , you would have known what to do. Its times like these when I really wish I could talk to you and ask for your advice. on many things. On this, on family, on boys, on life.
Oh Matty, I dont know what to do. I miss you terribly, this summer has been so hard without you. Mom had pulled out the homevideos in our basement...they were separated into two piles. I didnt know what the piles were for, so I just picked up a video and popped it in. And there was my 4th birthday and you were dancing and singing for the camera, hamming it up as usual. I wanted to cry and turn off the television but I couldnt pull my eyes away from the screen. I watched every single one. Hours and hours on end of seeing your smiling face again and hearing your famous laugh. It made you seem so much closer, it made me remember everything we've done in the past. The videos went as recent as last summer, the last time I had seen you. You were laughing as Stevie and I were mockin one of our aunts. You were so happy, so alive. Thats what I have the most trouble with...seeing and remembering you being so full of life and now that life is just gone...
You would have been so proud of us this summer. I know you always worried about our mothers, so Stevie and I have done our best to behave. Which isnt much (no, no jetskis were "borrowed" this summer...yet). So really we've done our best not to let our mothers find out. haha. Just the way you would have done it. We learned all our tricks from you, ya know. I dont think you ever realized how much of an influence you were on us. Lets just say...this summer, you would be very proud of me :)
And as for boys, well...
I have given up. I know its not worth it, I know it will never amount to anything. I love being with him but I know this can only go so far. No, I am not trying to sabotage it before it has even started. It has started. And I know, deep down, soon it will end. Unless there is suddenly a dramatic change of heart, unless someone decides to do the impossible, unless he just kisses me with so much passion I can feel it down to my core, unless...then I'll believe. I'll believe in him, in us, in perfect timing, in fate, in everything happens for a reason, in love, in relationships, in new beginnings...I'll believe in so much, so much that I desperately want to believe in.
Looking at him makes me want to believe so badly.
Whats the cost of believing? I'd pay anything...