(no subject)
The smell of shaving cream always makes me think of my father; not as I know him now, but as I knew him when I was a little boy. I used to watch my father shave at times. Oh he'd always just be finished shaving when I'd get up in the mornings. And I can remember smelling him when he'd pick me up and squeeze me, or spin me, or tickle me. I think about the relationship I have with my father. We don't have a lot in commom...no that's a lie. He and I are probably the most alike of all my kin. He and I have the same personalities and temperments. We've gone through some of the same things. He and I were the last ones left with Linda. I feel bad about that. It's just him and her now.
I was never able to bond with him though. We're so much the same that we've become entirely different persons. I think in many ways had my father the chance he would be much more the way I am. He wouldn't be stuck in Torbay (he hates it there but he known nothing else), He'd be happier, wouldn't drink, wouldn't be sad.
My father's sad, I could always see that. I see him joking and smiling, but I always knew that somewhere deep down he was sad, and always has been. At least - this is how things appear to me.
I've been thinking back on things a lot lately. High school as well. And all the different things I could have done. How I could have been more open, so much more of so many things. How when I had the chance I should have decided to go to school in St. John's rather than staying in Torbay. I should have gone to Heart, and did different things with my life. I should have been a good student. I shouldn't have hung around with the people I did (at least not most of them).
At the same time though I'm glad that I went to school in Torbay. It was smaller, and I had more more to just be myself. I loved being in Darla's homeroom, and pulling tricks on her and Mrs. Roberts. Hanging out at Lunch and bumming fries off people, and talking about the weirdest things. I miss writting. I used to write the weirdest and most outlandish things.
When Dannu and I watched my grad video Ash Hogan was reading ehr speech, and she started crying and people were laughing cause it was a happy-saddness that made her cry. And she laughed too, and it was just the only time in highschool where I felt any commonality with people. And the things she mentioned they struck me.
In many ways I miss highschool. I wish I could go back. be 16. Make different decissions.
Maybe have come out to more people. Not have done some of the things I did; have been with some of the people I was :/ Not have done the drugs I did, skipped the classes I did, and would have gotten help for my anxiety disorder.
Stupid memories.
I was never able to bond with him though. We're so much the same that we've become entirely different persons. I think in many ways had my father the chance he would be much more the way I am. He wouldn't be stuck in Torbay (he hates it there but he known nothing else), He'd be happier, wouldn't drink, wouldn't be sad.
My father's sad, I could always see that. I see him joking and smiling, but I always knew that somewhere deep down he was sad, and always has been. At least - this is how things appear to me.
I've been thinking back on things a lot lately. High school as well. And all the different things I could have done. How I could have been more open, so much more of so many things. How when I had the chance I should have decided to go to school in St. John's rather than staying in Torbay. I should have gone to Heart, and did different things with my life. I should have been a good student. I shouldn't have hung around with the people I did (at least not most of them).
At the same time though I'm glad that I went to school in Torbay. It was smaller, and I had more more to just be myself. I loved being in Darla's homeroom, and pulling tricks on her and Mrs. Roberts. Hanging out at Lunch and bumming fries off people, and talking about the weirdest things. I miss writting. I used to write the weirdest and most outlandish things.
When Dannu and I watched my grad video Ash Hogan was reading ehr speech, and she started crying and people were laughing cause it was a happy-saddness that made her cry. And she laughed too, and it was just the only time in highschool where I felt any commonality with people. And the things she mentioned they struck me.
In many ways I miss highschool. I wish I could go back. be 16. Make different decissions.
Maybe have come out to more people. Not have done some of the things I did; have been with some of the people I was :/ Not have done the drugs I did, skipped the classes I did, and would have gotten help for my anxiety disorder.
Stupid memories.