(no subject)
How much of ourselves do we give up to be in a relationship? Varun gave up his caution, then realized he couldn't live so haphazzardly and he had to get out. Esther's friends said she gave up "herself" to be with Adam. I gave up thinking that I could be happy being alone and then... I ended up alone.
So after we have changed, how much longer until we become our old selves? I used to be HAPPY to be alone. HAPPY to be out of the bullshit fighting, lovey dovey, he doesn't call enough/he calls too much relationship bullshit. And then I found a relationship that didn't have all the problems. Except for the distance.
And now distance is making me crazy. Not the distance from him, but the distance from all of my friends and my family and my old life where I was happy being alone but knowing that I was never ever really alone, no matter what. I always had a friend to smoke with or drink with or laugh with or be insane with--no judgement. I thought the cat lady joke was funny and I accepted my fate and moved on. Now, I want a husband and maybe even a couple of children and I'm scared that I'm going to be a cat lady who will die alone and no one will find for a few weeks.
I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy.
I never thought he didn't care. Just for the record: I'll always know that he cares. And that's what makes all of this so much harder.
So after we have changed, how much longer until we become our old selves? I used to be HAPPY to be alone. HAPPY to be out of the bullshit fighting, lovey dovey, he doesn't call enough/he calls too much relationship bullshit. And then I found a relationship that didn't have all the problems. Except for the distance.
And now distance is making me crazy. Not the distance from him, but the distance from all of my friends and my family and my old life where I was happy being alone but knowing that I was never ever really alone, no matter what. I always had a friend to smoke with or drink with or laugh with or be insane with--no judgement. I thought the cat lady joke was funny and I accepted my fate and moved on. Now, I want a husband and maybe even a couple of children and I'm scared that I'm going to be a cat lady who will die alone and no one will find for a few weeks.
I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy.
I never thought he didn't care. Just for the record: I'll always know that he cares. And that's what makes all of this so much harder.