funny joke
So, this man and wife arrive at home, and a big man is in their living room. He ties them both up after a long struggle on their part. He ties the husband to a chair in the bedroom, and the wife to the bed. The man leans over with his lips around her neck kissing her, and then leaves the room.
The husband says, "Let him kiss you. Let him do whatever he wants to you okay? He could kill us, but if he wants to have sex with you, just let him. That's what you can do to keep us alive. I will be perfecly okay with it sweetie, I love you. Just, do as he says, okay?"
The wife replies with a relieved face, "I'm so glad you said that sweetie. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering to me. He told me he thought you were cute and was wondering where the vaseline was."
Why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?
Because it was invented in West Virginia.
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off.
"What's so funny?" they asked him.
"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."
Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.
"Because I just bit my lip."
Ways to Say "He's Dumb"
1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
2. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
5. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
6. A few clowns short of a circus.
7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
8. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
9. A few beers short of a six-pack.
10. Dumber than a box of hair.
11. A few peas short of a casserole.
12. One taco short of a combination plate.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2
17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 18. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
19. As smart as bait.
20. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
22. Surfing in Nebraska.
22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
23. One sandwich short of a picnic.
24. The light's on, but nobody's home.
25. If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre.
Q. What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra?
A. OH HENRY!
What is a fish's favorite game show?
Name that Tuna.
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Q: Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afganistan?
A: Because there are too many Targets.
The husband says, "Let him kiss you. Let him do whatever he wants to you okay? He could kill us, but if he wants to have sex with you, just let him. That's what you can do to keep us alive. I will be perfecly okay with it sweetie, I love you. Just, do as he says, okay?"
The wife replies with a relieved face, "I'm so glad you said that sweetie. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering to me. He told me he thought you were cute and was wondering where the vaseline was."
Why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?
Because it was invented in West Virginia.
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off.
"What's so funny?" they asked him.
"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."
Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.
"Why?" asked the second.
"Because I just bit my lip."
Ways to Say "He's Dumb"
1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
2. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
5. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
6. A few clowns short of a circus.
7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
8. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
9. A few beers short of a six-pack.
10. Dumber than a box of hair.
11. A few peas short of a casserole.
12. One taco short of a combination plate.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2
17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 18. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
19. As smart as bait.
20. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
22. Surfing in Nebraska.
22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
23. One sandwich short of a picnic.
24. The light's on, but nobody's home.
25. If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre.
Q. What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra?
A. OH HENRY!
What is a fish's favorite game show?
Name that Tuna.
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Q: Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afganistan?
A: Because there are too many Targets.