back in the rut
it's very strange to be home. it's like this time warp back to 2002. the same people the same plans. i love my friends so much and i'm so glad i get to spend some much valued time with them...but this town doesn't let time go at the speed of the outside world. i guess that's partly why i like it so much...i can always escape back to the real world. i call someplace else home now and it saves me from the same old same old. people that haven't gotten out don't see it. when i'm here, i'll always be young. i'll always be a farm kid and spend my saturday nights at bonfires with the same crowd i graduated with. i'll always go to the square dance the last sunday of fair. i'll always be the girl that i was before i left. and when i'm not here my ideals are the same...but i'm much more free. i lead a different life. i don't know what i think of that.
jen and i discussed mixing it up a bit this summer--instead of repeated malling, dinner, and a movie we were thinking that goin' and painting downtown dayton red would be fun. try out the night life. college spoils you, i think.
i have a major issue that i need to get over. tonight when jen was here i didn't want her to leave. thursday night i had ashley spend the night with me and i spent near all day friday with her. i can't be alone. i don't like feeling lonely. when i'm with my friends it's like everything is okay. i'm whole when i'm in good company. it's not just that i don't like being lonely, i think i'm scared of it a bit. that's going to be a goal of mine. to think of solitude not as a punishment but as a retreat. i don't always need to be with somebody and i used to know that. i've just been spoiled.
i need to start doing things for me. i want to feel good about myself again. i want to feel strong.
jen and i discussed mixing it up a bit this summer--instead of repeated malling, dinner, and a movie we were thinking that goin' and painting downtown dayton red would be fun. try out the night life. college spoils you, i think.
i have a major issue that i need to get over. tonight when jen was here i didn't want her to leave. thursday night i had ashley spend the night with me and i spent near all day friday with her. i can't be alone. i don't like feeling lonely. when i'm with my friends it's like everything is okay. i'm whole when i'm in good company. it's not just that i don't like being lonely, i think i'm scared of it a bit. that's going to be a goal of mine. to think of solitude not as a punishment but as a retreat. i don't always need to be with somebody and i used to know that. i've just been spoiled.
i need to start doing things for me. i want to feel good about myself again. i want to feel strong.