what i wish...
...i'd like to be as tough as i wish i were. to just laugh when i get hurt and say to myself, "it's not your fault and you're not the only one who knows that." unfortunately, i have issues with just saying "fuck it" and moving on. i take things to heart and get my feelings hurt. when it's not my fault, i still try to fix it. i don't like to be the bad guy. i don't like to do things wrong. i don't like to feel bad for wanting things i shouldn't ask for. and so i wish sometimes that i didn't care. i wish that when i don't get an a on an assignment that my heart didn't fall before i think to myself, "it's alright, i can still pull it up." i wish my head didn't tell me to change things that don't need to be changed. i wish i could be happy with myself without having to have other people be happy with me first. i wish i could get over the things that don't matter and didn't matter when they used to bother me most. i wish i could live it for me, or at least more that what i do. i wish when i were excited about something i could just keep it to myself. i don't always need to tell someone.
ugh. just that i make myself vulnerable and give everything my all in an effort to always please doesn't mean that it'll be returned. perhaps that's something i should not wait expect of others? indeed, i'll allow myself to be vulnerable because i feel that it's fair. i feel that that's a beautiful thing, to be willing to put myself at risk and to not be afraid. in fact. i like that i'm concerned about others. i like that i am sensitive. i like that i take care of people. i like that it's hard to really get me down and that i can be young and happy. i like that i never really know the outcome, but i can always hope for what i want the outcome to be.
on a brighter happy note! this weekend i get to go to a show! it's been to long and i miss it. so it'll be nice. i think jacinta might come along as well, which will be nice. i've felt bad because i've been to close but not bothered to call or anything. and so i'll have to make a better effort now. next weekend di and i are driving to pittsburgh to visit with our lovely friend stacy may. i miss them both and being able to spend a girls weekend would be delightful. then the following weekend is formal. i have to admit, i'm actually very excited to get all dressed up pretty and hopefully impress for a change. i may not be the belle of the ball, but it would be nice to hear that i look nice. i intend to anyway. not to mention it will just be a whole night of fun. so i've got some nice things to look forward to...lets just hope it all plays out as i've anticipated.
ugh. just that i make myself vulnerable and give everything my all in an effort to always please doesn't mean that it'll be returned. perhaps that's something i should not wait expect of others? indeed, i'll allow myself to be vulnerable because i feel that it's fair. i feel that that's a beautiful thing, to be willing to put myself at risk and to not be afraid. in fact. i like that i'm concerned about others. i like that i am sensitive. i like that i take care of people. i like that it's hard to really get me down and that i can be young and happy. i like that i never really know the outcome, but i can always hope for what i want the outcome to be.
on a brighter happy note! this weekend i get to go to a show! it's been to long and i miss it. so it'll be nice. i think jacinta might come along as well, which will be nice. i've felt bad because i've been to close but not bothered to call or anything. and so i'll have to make a better effort now. next weekend di and i are driving to pittsburgh to visit with our lovely friend stacy may. i miss them both and being able to spend a girls weekend would be delightful. then the following weekend is formal. i have to admit, i'm actually very excited to get all dressed up pretty and hopefully impress for a change. i may not be the belle of the ball, but it would be nice to hear that i look nice. i intend to anyway. not to mention it will just be a whole night of fun. so i've got some nice things to look forward to...lets just hope it all plays out as i've anticipated.