heylo
okies i know i havent written in a coupla days but thats cuz my puter at home is down. a lot of stuff has been happening. i am going to do that life studies thing. i dont really feel like getting into whats bein goin on. mom has my cellphone cuz im grounded. uhm, amanda (the chick josh cheated on me with) is back in my life, her friend wont stop texting me about josh and how much of a cheater he is and she kept tryna make me feel like shit.... reality check.... im not dateing josh!!! yea oh well. i definitly got drunk today and that was fun. i got to be in my room and chill with the incense burning, music playing and my light thingy swirling around. i got a lot of writting done. i really enjoyed myself. heres one of the poems i wrote:
16 years
this internal fight
just keeps going on
how much can I take?
Is this something I can handle anymore?
16 years of pain
16 years of fighting
16 years of hope
for something better
for 16 years I thought
everyone was my problem
it took me that long to realize
that I had been theirs
how long can you go
fighting yourself day by day
this ignorance of self hate
is something so deniable
why do I always look so hard
for another to blame
the brilliance of walking away
from my own mind
is just another escape
just another thing to get me by
in 16 years
I’ve learned to scream
To get the hate out
Ive learned how to cry
Only when no one else is around
To witness my self-hanging
Apathy is a word to live by
A consolement like no other
The power of love
Is just the little spider
Compared to the power of hate
But we as humans
Will never stop searching
So many times my heart has been broken
By of course my own doing
From the day I was born
God put his hand to me and stated
This fallen angel shall be cursed for life
Everyday I pray for a change of mind
What else is there to live for
When all you see is pain
And it still all resides in your own cursed little mind
yep thats it. i went and picked up jon later. he came over, i was still pretty tipsy. he was getting way too touchy feely and even for bein drunk it got a little to uncomfortable so i drove him home. still havent talked to phil yet today. i miss him. finals today went by fast. i got a c on my spanish final so i flunked outta spanish. i think i failed my US final too. that would suck. at least i get to take social imp of bio next semester. yay! me and amanda(at school) drove around a lil, came back... i drove her and ashley home.... no biggie. then went home and had the day i described above. oooh i didnt mention me workin my ass off to clean the bathroom and my bedroom. they both look amazing. yay.
16 years
this internal fight
just keeps going on
how much can I take?
Is this something I can handle anymore?
16 years of pain
16 years of fighting
16 years of hope
for something better
for 16 years I thought
everyone was my problem
it took me that long to realize
that I had been theirs
how long can you go
fighting yourself day by day
this ignorance of self hate
is something so deniable
why do I always look so hard
for another to blame
the brilliance of walking away
from my own mind
is just another escape
just another thing to get me by
in 16 years
I’ve learned to scream
To get the hate out
Ive learned how to cry
Only when no one else is around
To witness my self-hanging
Apathy is a word to live by
A consolement like no other
The power of love
Is just the little spider
Compared to the power of hate
But we as humans
Will never stop searching
So many times my heart has been broken
By of course my own doing
From the day I was born
God put his hand to me and stated
This fallen angel shall be cursed for life
Everyday I pray for a change of mind
What else is there to live for
When all you see is pain
And it still all resides in your own cursed little mind
yep thats it. i went and picked up jon later. he came over, i was still pretty tipsy. he was getting way too touchy feely and even for bein drunk it got a little to uncomfortable so i drove him home. still havent talked to phil yet today. i miss him. finals today went by fast. i got a c on my spanish final so i flunked outta spanish. i think i failed my US final too. that would suck. at least i get to take social imp of bio next semester. yay! me and amanda(at school) drove around a lil, came back... i drove her and ashley home.... no biggie. then went home and had the day i described above. oooh i didnt mention me workin my ass off to clean the bathroom and my bedroom. they both look amazing. yay.