I Never Thought I'd Ever Life For Someone Else's Sake

[falenfromgrace]

=__= *sigh*I just need to ramble right now. My brain is being my brain and making me second guess everything with my love life, you'd really think I'd be able to look past everything people have said to me, but I just can't. I still look at myself in the mirror and the first thing that crosses my mind is the words worthless and useless. I finally FINALLY after years of going through hell found someone who looks at me and says 'you are worth everything to me' and I still have trouble fully accepting it, even though I know he wouldn't lie to me. I still sit at night and think 'Is he going to still want me tomorrow? Or a week from now? Or a month? Is he going to get tired of me like everyone else? Is he going to finally see every little thing that is wrong with me? Every part that makes me worthless? Is he gonna turn out like everyone else did? Loving at first then wanting me to change everything that makes me me? Turn violent? Hurt me? Hit me? Curse me?' I know I should know and fully believe that he won't, he's not that type of person he really isn't...but every little thing everyone has said to me comes back to me. That I don't deserve love, that I'm useless and worthless, that I'm too emotionless, that I'm not good for anything but some little thing to sit next to them and look pretty for a few moments, to use as a punching bag. I'm terrified of losing him, to the point I've sat up all night worrying over it, to the point I've given myself a headache over it before. I love him, so much. To the point that I hate going a day without getting to speak to him at least at some point in the day, that I get physically twitchy if I don't get to talk to him. To the point that I'm constantly thinking about him, there isn't a moment that he isn't on my mind with something whether its just wondering if he'd like what I'm watching, or eatting or how he'd sleep at night, how he'd curl up, or what one of my body washs he like the most. Wondering what it be like to curl up in one of his shirts and get to smell his scent on it and curl up on the couch and just chill for the evening. To the point that I'd give up everything I have, everyone I know, literally EVERYTHING for him if he asked me to(he wouldn't but its still a point). To the point that I don't care if we have money, or if we are stuck in some tiny shit hole of a house barely making ends meet. Is it still love when it's that much? Or is it just obsession? Is it healthy to be this wanting of someone? Is it still love when it's that much, yet you still fear that he'll one day leave? Is it still love if you are still scared that he'll be like everyone else has been in your life? That no matter how hard you try to look past everything that everyone has ever told you, you still have trouble doing so? Is it still love then? How do you know when it's that person? I have a feeling he is that person for me, hell I've never been so trusting and comfortable with someone else in my life. He knows the most about me, there is basicly nothing that he doesn't know about what has happened in my life, not even my family knows as much as he does. How do you know it's the right choice? I'm scared that I'm going to fuck things up with him, that I'm going to screw over my life somehow, I always do, I always do something wrong. I always fuck up, say or do the wrong thing. You guys don't have to answer this you really don't. I just needed to get it out...but you can if you want. I don't know how to ask anyone this stuff, I'm horrible at asking for help with anything.

...Is it really healthy to be completely devoted to someone? To obsess so much over someone? Is it really love? Or is it just obsession? I'm scared that it's only obsession for both of us and that he'll leave. I don't know how to deal with it if he left. I sound crazy with that but I really don't. I've never felt like this, I've never actually felt like I was or at least could be worth something before. He makes me feel like there is nothing wrong with me, that I'm not broken, that I'm not useless. *sighs* I have a feeling I'm going to disappoint him, that I won't be everything he wants or needs. I just needed to get my fear out, I needed to say it before it actually hurts me. Thank you for yet again listening to one of my rambles -.- Sorry if this depresses you

~!~Tsuki~!~