(no subject)
Just had my weekly session, all in all quite a productive one this week, i was feeling pretty good about myself, until i got home at least when the friggin internet refused to connect! Seriously, why is that so annoying? It seems to fluster even the most level headed of persons! Bloody BT.
Anyhoo, on to the exciting stuff!
This week we started by talking about my anger problems, how i've been very angry all my life, but i have always forced it down below the surface and refused to deal with it. I am slow to anger because of this, but when it explodes, it really explodes, and that terrifies me, the huge dynamic of the personality shift, and that is why i force myself so much to control and maintain a level head, which in itself has turned me into an introvert and im not sure how to deal with proper anger.
The next thing we touched upon was my self confidence issues. I dont want to go into too much detail regarding that here, but all my life i have never ever given myself even the smallest pat on the back for anything i have done. So much focus in my life has been spent trying to avoid turning out like my father, who was an alcoholic womaniser. I denied myself a lot during my teenage years because of this. I could have blown all my money on booze and drugs like he did, i could have led a life of meaningless one night stands with strange women. Instead, i chose to save myself until i was with someone special, and i chose not to be a heavy drinker. When i was younger i had all the oppurtunity in the world to do drugs, or drink myself half to death, but i didnt because i knew i did not want to be that guy.
I never ever saw that as anything other than just something that i had to do, as something that was essential for me to accomplish in order to not turn out like my father. But my therapist pointed out to me today that all of that is quite an impressive accomplishment. I knew exactly what type of man i wanted to be, and i managed to become that man. It took a lot of strentgh of character to go against the only male influence i knew, and to go against what my peers where doing at the time, in order to be who i wanted to be, and not model myself on the examples i was presented with. I was intelligent and aware of myself enough that i knew how my father acted was wrong, and that it only hurt the people around him, so i strived to be someone better than him.
And i am. And true enough, i see it now. I should be proud of myself for that. It took a lot of strentgh and focus not to go down that road, especially when the chances to do so where dropped in front of my face frequently.
I've thus far led my life wrongly believing that things like that were not true accomplishments, that only something you got a qualification, or a medal from was a true accomplishment. So it turns out i should be proud of myself for being who i am, because i got there under my own strentgh, a strentgh which i never even acknowledged until now.
We then discussed my feelings of inadequacies as a man, about how all that ties in nicely with everything. I've never felt like a man before because i never had a male role model, so i dont really know what a man is supposed to be, my only basis for comparison comes from the guys i see on the street, and every guy i see is much stronger and tougher looking than me. However, as was pointed out to me today, how could i have made all of those choices and gone through with them, and been my own man and not let others pressure me into doing things i didnt want to, if i didnt have coinfidence and strentgh of character?
I'm starting to get a little sense of self worth, which to be quite honest is something i've never felt before, and yes i know the things i've listed here may not be the most impressive accomplishments in the eyes of some, they are nevertheless examples of how i took control of my own destiny and made my own choices. I am now, as an adult, a very caring, loyal, and wothwhile person, and i'm finally starting to believe it.
Anyhoo, on to the exciting stuff!
This week we started by talking about my anger problems, how i've been very angry all my life, but i have always forced it down below the surface and refused to deal with it. I am slow to anger because of this, but when it explodes, it really explodes, and that terrifies me, the huge dynamic of the personality shift, and that is why i force myself so much to control and maintain a level head, which in itself has turned me into an introvert and im not sure how to deal with proper anger.
The next thing we touched upon was my self confidence issues. I dont want to go into too much detail regarding that here, but all my life i have never ever given myself even the smallest pat on the back for anything i have done. So much focus in my life has been spent trying to avoid turning out like my father, who was an alcoholic womaniser. I denied myself a lot during my teenage years because of this. I could have blown all my money on booze and drugs like he did, i could have led a life of meaningless one night stands with strange women. Instead, i chose to save myself until i was with someone special, and i chose not to be a heavy drinker. When i was younger i had all the oppurtunity in the world to do drugs, or drink myself half to death, but i didnt because i knew i did not want to be that guy.
I never ever saw that as anything other than just something that i had to do, as something that was essential for me to accomplish in order to not turn out like my father. But my therapist pointed out to me today that all of that is quite an impressive accomplishment. I knew exactly what type of man i wanted to be, and i managed to become that man. It took a lot of strentgh of character to go against the only male influence i knew, and to go against what my peers where doing at the time, in order to be who i wanted to be, and not model myself on the examples i was presented with. I was intelligent and aware of myself enough that i knew how my father acted was wrong, and that it only hurt the people around him, so i strived to be someone better than him.
And i am. And true enough, i see it now. I should be proud of myself for that. It took a lot of strentgh and focus not to go down that road, especially when the chances to do so where dropped in front of my face frequently.
I've thus far led my life wrongly believing that things like that were not true accomplishments, that only something you got a qualification, or a medal from was a true accomplishment. So it turns out i should be proud of myself for being who i am, because i got there under my own strentgh, a strentgh which i never even acknowledged until now.
We then discussed my feelings of inadequacies as a man, about how all that ties in nicely with everything. I've never felt like a man before because i never had a male role model, so i dont really know what a man is supposed to be, my only basis for comparison comes from the guys i see on the street, and every guy i see is much stronger and tougher looking than me. However, as was pointed out to me today, how could i have made all of those choices and gone through with them, and been my own man and not let others pressure me into doing things i didnt want to, if i didnt have coinfidence and strentgh of character?
I'm starting to get a little sense of self worth, which to be quite honest is something i've never felt before, and yes i know the things i've listed here may not be the most impressive accomplishments in the eyes of some, they are nevertheless examples of how i took control of my own destiny and made my own choices. I am now, as an adult, a very caring, loyal, and wothwhile person, and i'm finally starting to believe it.