No Classes for one week?!
You read it, right! There are no classes for one week here in the Philippines. Well, at least I get to review for my Marketing and English Class. I have final exams by next week and heck, it would be the end of the world for me if I didn't pass there. I wish I could focus on my studies but mind keeps wandering about my guilt. I don't know how am I suppose to remove this! I'm confused and so freaking frustrated to the point where I'm thinking suicidal thoughts! I need an anti-depressant or any medical treatment because I couldn't take it anymore. I wish God would quickly end this pain because I cant stand to look at my friend's sulky face.
The doctor in my church was planning to let me use anti-depressant but I was too young to intake it. Even my mother doesn't like it. I really need help with this psychological/emotional problem of mine. I've been praying for it but it still lingers in my thoughts. I asked Mom if I could go to a psychiatrist but she...eh...let's just say she doesn't want to believe that I'm having problems. Eh, even though she's not in a bad mood, she would still decline it. (sigh) Besides, she's upset about my big sis' boyfriend. I was planning to call her at that time but Mom wouldn't let me because big sis' boyfriend is going to pick her up. Eh...I guess I would be hurt too if she did that to me but...it's her happiness. Though I'm still suspicious about that guy...
So if I can't use anti-depressant and can't go to the psychiatrist, then I should try the natural method: Make myself busy. Sadly, I'm a fragile person so yeah, I keep remembering it over and over again. I don't even know if this is ANXIETY PROBLEM. I'm thinking it's a Clinical Depression or Bi-polar Disorder.
The only thing I need is someone to talk to with and I was glad yesterday that my classmate, Divine, chatted with me. I was relieved to cheer me up. But you know my feelings...they're freaking fluctuating. I...don't even know if what I'm going to do is the right thing or not. Hopefully, at every decision I make, this would glorify God and it wouldn't let me feel sadness.
I tried asking all of my classmates on my situation and each of them gave me different answer but the same advice. Some told me that I shouldn't cry over it because my friend is not worth my tears, and some concluded that James wasn't a true friend because a friend would understand and easily forgives you if you made a mistake. What if he's faking all of his feelings and uses me as his entertainment like I'm some sort of puppet to him? What if he's just another person who's going to betray me? What if he doesn't care? What if he's planning to make me miserable? And what if he's just experimenting me on what reaction I'm going to show?! Grrr......I'm so frustrated and angry right now.
I'm....not really familiar when it comes to social interactions so it's hard for me on which feeling I should react on some certain situation. Like I said in my other journal, I'm a hermit. I don't really dwell into people when I was in elementary and highschool so most of them contain bad memories.
Maybe I should stay myself quiet and don't talk at all unless it is necessary. You know, this depression will go away if I sleep it but it will come back sooner or later. I really...really wanted to cry right now. I'm such a weak person. I wish I could be a strong person just like my big sis. I wonder how she could withstand those painful memories of hers.
You know, I'm glad I have a journal to put all of my anger and stress here.
I feel like I want to talk to someone. I mean, ever since I got into college I never felt so accepted by them. I got used to my mother's lectures that you shouldn't trust anyone because they're only going to hurt you and I shouldn't let someone outside of the church befriend you. However, I think there are still good people in this world but now, I'm left in wonder...I got hurt...and thought that I should have followed what my mother said. But I guess this was a way to make my character strong.
So yeah, ta-ta now...
The doctor in my church was planning to let me use anti-depressant but I was too young to intake it. Even my mother doesn't like it. I really need help with this psychological/emotional problem of mine. I've been praying for it but it still lingers in my thoughts. I asked Mom if I could go to a psychiatrist but she...eh...let's just say she doesn't want to believe that I'm having problems. Eh, even though she's not in a bad mood, she would still decline it. (sigh) Besides, she's upset about my big sis' boyfriend. I was planning to call her at that time but Mom wouldn't let me because big sis' boyfriend is going to pick her up. Eh...I guess I would be hurt too if she did that to me but...it's her happiness. Though I'm still suspicious about that guy...
So if I can't use anti-depressant and can't go to the psychiatrist, then I should try the natural method: Make myself busy. Sadly, I'm a fragile person so yeah, I keep remembering it over and over again. I don't even know if this is ANXIETY PROBLEM. I'm thinking it's a Clinical Depression or Bi-polar Disorder.
The only thing I need is someone to talk to with and I was glad yesterday that my classmate, Divine, chatted with me. I was relieved to cheer me up. But you know my feelings...they're freaking fluctuating. I...don't even know if what I'm going to do is the right thing or not. Hopefully, at every decision I make, this would glorify God and it wouldn't let me feel sadness.
I tried asking all of my classmates on my situation and each of them gave me different answer but the same advice. Some told me that I shouldn't cry over it because my friend is not worth my tears, and some concluded that James wasn't a true friend because a friend would understand and easily forgives you if you made a mistake. What if he's faking all of his feelings and uses me as his entertainment like I'm some sort of puppet to him? What if he's just another person who's going to betray me? What if he doesn't care? What if he's planning to make me miserable? And what if he's just experimenting me on what reaction I'm going to show?! Grrr......I'm so frustrated and angry right now.
I'm....not really familiar when it comes to social interactions so it's hard for me on which feeling I should react on some certain situation. Like I said in my other journal, I'm a hermit. I don't really dwell into people when I was in elementary and highschool so most of them contain bad memories.
Maybe I should stay myself quiet and don't talk at all unless it is necessary. You know, this depression will go away if I sleep it but it will come back sooner or later. I really...really wanted to cry right now. I'm such a weak person. I wish I could be a strong person just like my big sis. I wonder how she could withstand those painful memories of hers.
You know, I'm glad I have a journal to put all of my anger and stress here.
I feel like I want to talk to someone. I mean, ever since I got into college I never felt so accepted by them. I got used to my mother's lectures that you shouldn't trust anyone because they're only going to hurt you and I shouldn't let someone outside of the church befriend you. However, I think there are still good people in this world but now, I'm left in wonder...I got hurt...and thought that I should have followed what my mother said. But I guess this was a way to make my character strong.
So yeah, ta-ta now...