Clawing through the Shadows
Summary: Sam saves Felix's life after the colonial's camp on Earth comes under attack from an unknown enemy. The two men flee into the ruins of the city, relying on one another for survival.
Characters: Anders/Gaeta (mostly friendship with slashy undertones open to interpretation).
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Up to S4x10
Disclaimer: I don't own BSG.
Author's Note: This fic was mostly finished, so I've tidied it up as an early entry for the 'Good Things' challenge at gaeta_squee. For reasons which will become clear I'm dedicating this story to the paralympic games.
Clawing through the Shadows
Felix sat watching as Sam Anders threw his pyramid ball against the walls of the church ruins. Felix had little understanding of the game or how Sam was using the derelict building as a court, but the simple activity seemed to be calming Sam’s nerves, just as watching him play had calmed Felix.
“You know, I was never really into sports,” said Felix, filling the dusty silence that hung between them.
Sam halted his solitary game. “No…I didn’t figure you would be.”
They nodded together, sharing a grimaced smile. Sam turned back to the wall and hurled the ball again, flexing his muscles and bouncing on his heels. Felix sighed. He never thought he would find himself feeling relaxed in the company of Sam Anders. But the man had just saved his life. It had been their third morning down on the surface of Earth. The crew were still accessing the ground, taking soil samples, recording data, trying to make sense of what had destroyed their promised land. Felix had been in his tent, sitting up at his desk, scrawling pictures in charcoal; the arts therapy that Cottle had advised would help him through the twitches of his phantom limb syndrome.
Felix didn’t know who had attacked the camp. Neither did Sam. It could be there were survivors of the apocalypse; earth people who thought that they were an alien threat from the outer limits. Or maybe it was the other cylons - the Cavils, the Dorals and the Simons - who had found them and decided to obliterate them once and for all. Maybe it was just a crazed terrorist group from within the fleet, who wanted revenge on Adama and his crew for bringing them to this end.
The first explosion had knocked Felix off his chair. He had pulled himself up again, panting against the desk, grasping for his crutches. He hadn’t made it far outside his tent before a spray of shrapnel knocked him to the ground again. For a moment he had found himself caught up in the canvas of a fallen tent. Then he had crawled forwards on his elbows, pawing blindly in the dirt, blood trickling from his temples. A wave of dizziness had swept over him. Felix had stilled; waiting for the explosions and gunfire to cease…or just waiting for them to finish him off.
That was when Sam Anders had found him. He had rolled him over, pressed a finger to his pulse and then lifted him up onto his broad shoulders. Felix must have blacked out after that. When he had come around he was propped against a stone altar in the ruined church yard and Sam was holding a water bottle to his lips. The explosions were now just a faraway rumbling…like a thunder storm shifting in the distance.
~*~
“How’s your head?” asked Sam. “You still feeling dizzy, man?”
Sam tucked the pyramid ball under his arm and crouched beside Felix, stretching out a hand and gently turning his head to the side. Felix’s temples were throbbing and his hair was sticky with blood. It was so long and curly now that a bird could have made its nest on his scalp. Not that there were any birds here.
“It’s fine, Anders!” Felix snapped, pushing his hand away. “Quit asking me. I don’t need a nursemaid. Why did you rescue me anyway? I’m only going to slow you down. It’s everyone for themselves now.”
Sam sighed, backing off and resting on his haunches.
“I’ve had some practise at this survival game, Felix…” he said. “This planet’s a lot worse off than Caprica was, but I know I got the strength and endurance to last out here for a while. Still, I’ve never had a good head for strategies and navigating. I figured you could help me with that.”
Felix snorted. “Sure. I’ve nothing better to do.”
“And I saved you because I wanted to save you,” Sam added. “We both know I owe you a favour…”
Felix rolled his eyes, ignoring this last comment. It was over a week now since the amputation. The spectre of his lost leg was still giving him twinges. Oddly enough Felix found that he didn’t hate Sam Anders for the shooting. He had carried so many grudges over the years. He didn’t have the strength for another one. This time, it was easier to just let it go.
“Aren’t you worried about your wife?” Felix asked curtly.
“Sure I am,” Sam answered tightly. “I always worry about Kara. But the fact of the matter is…she hasn’t looked me in the eye since she found out what I was. It’s hard to protect someone when they don’t want you near them.”
Felix looked at him hard, shaking his head.
“Doesn’t it frak you off?!” he asked. “The way she treats you?”
Sam shrugged again. “She saved my life. I've gotta be grateful to her for that. And I know that you had a hand in saving me from that planet too, by the way…
Felix frowned. “How do you work that out?”
“Well, you know…the cylon transponders…” said Sam. “Kara told me it was a guy called Gaeta who figured out how they worked. She would’ve never gotten down to the planet without one of those gismos in her Raider. I’ve always been kinda thankful to you for that. Sorry I never said so.”
Felix blinked in surprise. “Okay then...”
“I should have bought you a drink or something,” Sam muttered. “And not just for the transponders, but all the information you fed us on New Caprica. I should’ve said thank you. Instead I just blew a frakking hole in your leg…”
“Sam…you can shut up now.”
“I should have said thank you,” he repeated.
Felix scratched his forehead.
“Why bother? It’s not like anybody else does.”
~*~
Sam flinched and dropped his pyramid ball. The explosions had started up again, much closer than they were before. It looked like the storm was on the move.
“Frak!” Sam hissed. He ran across to the church windows, peering out over the waste land. “I can see smoke rising up, Felix. We better not stick around here.”
Sam stooped low and handed Felix his kit bag and his gun. Then he turned on his heels and tapped his shoulders, signalling Felix to grab onto his back. Sam clasped his thighs and lifted him off the ground as if he weighed no more than a rucksack. Felix coiled one arm loosely around his neck. He held the gun ready in his other hand; his fingers tight on the trigger and ready to shoot if they found themselves in line with a direct assault. Sam took a deep breath and then started to run them both away from the ruins, deeper into the ravages of the city.
Felix didn’t feel scared. At first he thought this was simply because he had ceased to care for his own life; he had given into the futility of the human survival effort. But the more ground that the two of them covered, the more Felix began to realise that he was feeling safer because Sam was with him. He didn’t know why he should feel so protected and reassured by the same man who had crippled him. Maybe it was the straining remorse that he caught in Sam’s eyes every time he looked at him. Maybe it was the strength of the arms that carried him along. Sam’s arms were twice the size of Gaius's. Felix felt secure in these arms…in more ways than one.
Felix scanned the skeleton buildings, trying to estimate the best place to take shelter. His eyes settled on a building with a wide doorway and a burnt out van parked near its entrance.
“There…” he said to Sam, indicating with his gun. “That building over there. It looks like it might have been a hospital...”
Sam halted his tracks, squinting at the ruin. “Oh yeah? How would you know what an Earth hospital looks like?”
“Anders, I thought we’d decided this; I’m brains of this operation, you’re the muscle. Let’s go and investigate it at least.”
Sam smiled, shaking his head. "Whatever you say, boss..."
~*~
Felix sat nervously on the brink of the elevator shaft. Sam had climbed down into the basement to explore its corridors and chambers. A moment ago he had yelled up to confirm that the building was a hospital and there were plenty of medical supplies still intact. Felix had been waiting patiently for Sam get busy and fetch them up. He was getting nervous now, wondering what he would do if Sam couldn’t climb back out.
Suddenly a steel ladder clanged against the opening of the shaft.
“Come on down, man!” Sam called. “I've got something to show you.”
“Sam, I can’t climb a ladder. I’ll fall and break my other leg.”
“You’ll be fine. I’ll be ready to catch you. Get your butt down here!”
Felix rolled his eyes, holstering the gun and throwing the kit bag onto his shoulders. He shuffled on his backside to the top of the ladder. The hardest part was swinging his body onto the first rung. He was already wheezing and sweating as his hands slipped slowly down the ladder’s steel frame, his lone foot hopping between the steps. Felix kept his eyes closed through most of the ordeal. He didn’t realise he had reached the basement floor until Sam’s arms looped around his waist and gently lifted him down. Sam sat him upright against the wall of the corridor. Felix saw that he had lit the hallway with a row of upturned torches and emergency candles. The light was golden and smouldering. He would almost call it romantic.
Sam pressed a hand to his cheek. “You doing okay, man?”
“Never better…” Felix groaned, trying not to shake.
Sam reached into his pockets and took out a selection of bottled pills.
“I found these lining the shelves down the hall,” he explained, laying out the drugs. “I thought they might help with your leg. Any idea what each of these is for?”
Felix squinted over the labels. “I never had much training in field medicine...”
“Yeah, but I bet that you know more long words than I do.”
Felix cracked a smile. “Well, I’m pretty sure that these ones are painkillers." He twisted the cap. "I certainly wouldn’t say no to a couple of those right now.”
“Me either!” said Sam, cupping his palm and dry swallowing the meds. “Hey, we better hold on to a few of these bottles. If things get really bad at least we can OD.”
Felix raised his eyebrows. “Oh really? I thought that our suicide plan was that we were keeping back two bullets to shoot ourselves in the head?”
“Well, at least now we’ve got a choice.”
“Yes…how lovely that we still have options.”
Sam coughed out a laugh. He was crazy enough to think that was funny. He slapped Felix on the shoulder and announced that he had found something else in the stock cupboard. Sam sprang to his feet, bounded down the corridor and brought his mystery gift forth into the light. Felix’s heart clenched like a fist.
It was a wheelchair. A frakking wheelchair.
Felix was still struggling with his stump. He couldn’t cope with a chair yet.
“Well, that’s just…perfect, isn't it Anders.”
Felix screwed up his face, tears welling in his eyes. He kicked his heel against the floor as they spilled down over his cheeks. His breath became a whimper. Sam threw up his hands, hissing through his teeth.
“Come on, man. This wasn’t meant to upset you…”
Felix spluttered. “Sam, I don’t want to be in a frakking wheelchair! I want my leg back. I want to walk again. I want to walk over there and kick your ass for making me this way, you idiot!”
“Felix, I can’t do shit about that now!!” Sam yelled back. “I’m doing the best I can here! You think you’re the only one with problems? I’m a frakking skinjob. Just ask yourself, man. Which would you rather lose? Your leg or your humanity? That is what I’m frakking dealing with here. Meanwhile we’ve got the world blowing up around us. Our friends could all be dead by now. We might be the only ones left. And you’re gonna sit there crying?”
Felix sniffed. “What else is there to do?!”
Sam reached down and grasped him under the arms.
“Come on, boy. Get in the chair. I’m sick of carrying you…I got something else I wanted to show you.”
“Oh yeah...what the frak is it this time?”
Sam smirked. “My game.”
Felix shook his head. “What game?!”
“The one I just invented.”
~*~
Sam had cleared a large space in the main room of the hospital basement. He had placed a number of Zimmer frames around the court which represented the goals they would be shooting for. Sam was seated opposite Felix in a wheelchair of his own. They were both holding crutches that Sam was proposing they used as bats. His pyramid ball was placed on the floor in the space between them.
“I haven’t thought of a name for it yet,” said Sam. “Any ideas?”
Felix sighed. “Cripple’s Croquet?”
His smile widened. “Sure! That sounds about right to me.”
“Sam, this is stupid,” Felix muttered.
“I know,” said Sam, taking no offense. “But it’s the end of the Gods damn world, Felix. I’d say we could both use a bit of stupidity right now...”
Sam raised his crutch and batted the ball towards one of the Zimmers. In a reflex motion Felix brought down his own crutch to block the goal. With that, the match was on. Sam and Felix quickly learned to change hands between spinning their wheels and swinging with their crutches, trying to score a point. Sam was the more accomplished sportsman, of course, but Felix was faster at manoeuvring in his chair. He had always had a high accuracy level in target practise so he had no problem keeping his eye on the ball either. He was quietly totalling up the score in his head and after the first few rounds, he was amazed to find that he was beating Sam. He laughed at the realisation.
“Anders, I can’t help noticing that you suck at your own game.”
“Well, you’re a better cripple that me,” he reasoned. “Unfair advantage.”
Felix shook his head. He found himself wondering why the cylons had created a model so goofy and affable as Sam Anders. They were both laughing and hollering as they played. Felix guessed that their painkillers must be stronger than he had estimated. After a few more rounds, he and Sam threw down their crutches and started kicking the ball between them. Even with one less foot, Felix rarely missed. He was good at this. The cynical part of him wondered if Sam was letting him win. He decided even if he was Felix didn’t mind. He would swallow his pride and accept the kindness of such a gesture. He would never have believed he would enjoy sports so much. But then Gaius had never been interested in the pyramid games.
Well, the Doctor’s souring opinions didn’t matter to him these days. He was having fun. He and Sam Anders were having fun and it was insane. But the truth was that there was a place deep in their emotions…a place beyond the shadows of bitterness and despair…a place where they just didn’t give a frak anymore...
It was actually quite a happy place to be in.
~*~
A few hours later Felix and Sam were slumped on neighbouring hospital beds. A torch lay on the small table between them, glowing dully as its batteries ran low. Sam shifted uncomfortably on the papery mattress.
“Can’t sleep?” Felix asked him.
“Nope. I wish I could just switch my brain off.”
Felix raised an eyebrow. “Can’t you?”
Sam frowned, considering. “Well, if I can…I don’t know how to. Man, I could use an instruction manual for myself.”
Felix giggled into his pillow. The hysteria still hadn’t worn off.
“Hey, you wanna know how I found out?” Sam continued. “How I first learned I was a cylon? I had this song stuck in my head. The others could hear it too. It was like we all had the same frakking wireless signal in our brains. It was the music brought us together. That’s how we knew...”
Felix frowned. “Can you hear anything now?”
“No, not the music,” he said. “But it’s not always sounds. Sometimes it’s more like an instinct. Maybe I’ll get those vibes again soon. You know...they keep saying the final five have been to earth. But I don’t recognise anything. I don’t remember! Maybe another switch will go off soon and I’ll make sense of it all. Then I’ll need to find the others - Galen, Tory, the Colonel - if they are still alive that is.” He sighed. “There must be some kinda way out of here…”
Felix said nothing. He felt a lump swelling in his throat. He realised that Sam had been helping him all day with his leg, he had been atoning for his guilt, he had been the strong one for them both…but the truth was Sam had more shock and trauma to deal with than Felix. He was missing a more vital part of his person.
“Hey...what was that song?” Sam asked. “The one you were singing in sickbay?”
The question caught Felix off guard. He flushed with embarrassment.
“Oh, it…it’s nothing,” he murmured. “It’s just an old folk song I know the words to. I think my mother used to sing it to me when I was a kid.”
Sam raised himself on his elbows, his eyes very wide.
“You mean it's a song that reminds you of childhood?” he blurted. “Did…did it just come into your head? Was it repeating over and over?”
Felix sighed, rubbing his temples.
“I’m not a cylon, Sam. Please, that’s the last thing I need.”
“Well, I never knew that I was one either…” he said, defensively. “And we never found out who the fifth one was.”
“True. I…I guess it doesn’t really make a difference.”
Felix wasn’t sure that he believed his own words, but Sam’s smile was so sweet and grateful that he was pleased he had said them. He smiled back at him.
“So you came see me when I was in sickbay?” he asked.
“Yeah. I was feeling guilty like you wouldn’t believe! I was so frakked up, man. I knew I was gonna hurt somebody. I’m sorry it was you. I wish I could take it back. I wished I’d had the guts to say sorry at the time. But I just stood behind the curtain listening to you sing. You…you got a real pretty sounding voice, man. It made me feel something. It was different from the music that played in my head. It made me feel…I don’t know…human again.”
Their eyes met in the shadows. Felix could see a reddish shimmer in Sam’s pupil, but his tears were not the output of any machine. Felix stretched out his hand for Sam to clasp with his own. Their skin was warm to touch. Sweat pooled in both their palms. Pulses throbbed in both their wrists.
There really was no difference. No difference that mattered now.
The End