Red Dwarf Stocking
Click to viewRed Dwarf....better Dead than Smeg...
Fan Blather: Oh, the geeky nostalgia! Red Dwarf was my first fandom obsession, along with Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and the Discworld novels. I became a fan when I was eleven! Fifteen years later, I still love the characters and it still makes me laugh. As requested this stocking is dedicated to S1-6 of the show...the glory days!
There isn't actually that much Dwarf to be found online. I'm remembering now that my family didn't have a home internet connection when I was in my RD fandom years. I just watched the show, collected the novels and tie-in books and subscribed to the fanclub mailing list. One year I even attended the annual Dimension Jump convention and got to meet the whole cast! I kissed Craig Charles on the cheek and stole one of his cigarette butts (what can I say? I was in love...)
So the lovely elliot has asked for a stocking filled with Classic Red Dwarf Moments. The 'Shrinking Boxers' scene (above) was voted as the fan's favourite moment in Better than Life fanzine. While this moment is hysterical and unbeatable, there are so many great moments and great lines to choose from (people say Firefly is quotable? Pah!) So here's a big spam of my favourite quotes and clips centering around the four main dwarfers. *sniff* I miss the old posse!
Rimmer Quotes and Clips
Kryten: This man not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his crime...it is also his punishment!
Dear Rimmer, we have gone on a fishing holiday...
Rimmer: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with and I know that given the choice I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say that over the years I've come to regard you as...people I met.
Rimmer: Look, I've come to warn you...in three million years you'll be dead!
Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Will I really?!!
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Past Rimmer: And what do you suggest? Give up white bread? More roughage?
Well Sartre...we don't like existentialists around here...
Rimmer: I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
Kryten: Would you like the list, sir?
Rimmer: What list?
Kryten: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.
Rimmer: Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?
Legion: The light switch.
Rimmer: The light switch.
Legion: Yes.
Rimmer: I couldn't buy it then?
Legion: Not really....I need it to turn the lights on and off.
You want to fly on a magic carpet to visit the king of the potato people...
Rimmer: It's my duty...my duty as a complete and utter bastard!
Lister Quotes and Clips
Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space cookie? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species!
Lister to Red Dwarf...we have in our midst a complete smegpot.
Lister: I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
Lister: Cat...d'you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat: Sure.
Lister: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman that ever lived.
Lister: That's good. I thought I was going strange.
Cat: She's incredible.
Lister: What d'ya think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department...
Lister: Don't give me this Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.
Psiren: How long has it been since you made love to a woman?
Lister: I admit it's been a while.
Psiren: It's been over three million years, Dave.
Lister: I prefer to count it in ice ages. Then it's only four. Count it in leap ice ages, hardly even one.
Psiren: That's a long time Dave for a man of your drives.
Lister: It's a long time for an Albanian sheppard who's allergic to wool.
Lister: Well, I say lets get out there and twat it.
Yeah, the axeman is back!
Cat Quotes and Clips
Cat: Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can have sex with something!
Cat: We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side - they're gone, buddy!
Tongue tied...whenever you are near me...
Cat: Wait, I know this game. It's called cat and mouse, and there's only one way to win; don't be the mouse.
Lister: What are you saying?
Cat: I'm saying, the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: Sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
This is a job for the Riverera Kid!
Lister: Why do we never meet anyone nice?
Cat: Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?
Cat: I say it's time we put on the jet powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks: one, we don't have any jet powered rocket pants, and two, there's no such thing as jet powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocketpants.
Cat: Well, that puts a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.
Kryten Quotes and Clips
Kryten: Pub...ah, yes. A meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetance by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
Oh spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
Lister: Computer senility. Such a weird condition.
Kryten: I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble." A sad case.
Lister: Just out of interest: Is Silicon Heaven the same place as human heaven?
Kryten: Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to heaven. No, no, somebody just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts!
No vaccum clearer should give a human being a double polaroid.
Kryten: I suggest you do not blow your nose.
Lister: Do you mind if I ask why?
Kryten: Well, let's forgoe the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get straight to the really grose part where you always - and I mean always - having blown your nose have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps...the face of the Madonna...an undiscovered Shakesperian sonnet??
Rimmer: So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?
Kryten: Only as a myth, a dark fable, a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Sir, are you absolutely sure? I does mean changing the bulb.
Merry Christmas elliotsmelliot