Beware of the Fangirl
Beware of the Fangirl
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Lost/Misery crossover. RPF horror/humour and Crack!fic. Damon Lindelof has been kidnapped by a crazy fangirl who is furious with him for killing off her favourite character.
Characters: Damon Lindelof, crazed Charlie fan.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost. I have not kidnapped Damon. This fic is meant in jest.
Authors Note: This story is my first entry for the Lost Horror Stories challenge using the Misery prompt. If you are unfamiliar with this classic horror flick based on the Stephen King novel then check out the Movie Trailer before reading. I'm submitting this early because I've signed up for two prompts (my Wicker Man fic is in the works!) and I wanted to get one of them out of the way.
Dedication: Wishing a very Happy Birthday to
sapphire_child. One of the craziest Charlie lovers on the web!
Awards: Winner of Best Humorous Story at
lost_fic_awards.
Damon groaned as he drifted slowly back into wakefulness. He blinked his eyes and found that he was imprisoned in a small darkened room. His chest and arms were bound securely to a chair and his bare feet were roped together. He frowned as he remembered having Dom Monaghan tied up in this same fashion on his last few days of work. He winced, imagining there might be some horrible significance in this.
A young woman stepped out of the shadows and came to stand before him. She wore a black vest and army combats, together with a cool menacing expression on her face. Damon swallowed, squirming a little in his bonds.
“You’re one of them, aren’t you?” he murmured.
The girl tipped her head to one side. “One of who, Damon?”
“You’re one of those people who have been sending me angry letters…you're one of those people who’ve been scowling at me in the street…you’re…you’re…”
Suddenly the woman swung her fist, making bruising contact with his jaw.
“You killed my Charlie!!!” she wailed, her eyes blazing.
Damon grimaced. “Yeah…you’re one of those crazy Charlie fangirls.”
“Shut up!” she raged, punching him again. “You dirty bird…”
He squinted. “Is that a Stephen King reference?”
She sighed and folded her arms. “Yes Damon. You’re not the only one who can rip off Stephen King stories…”
He laughed weakly. “Hey listen, before you turn all Cathy Bates on my ass, I just want to say…I’m really sorry, okay? Honestly. I like Charlie. He’s the everyman hero. He’s the heart of the show. But, you know…after we had all those prophecies about Charlie dying it would have been a cheat if we’d let him live. Besides, Charlie chose to die. He embraced his destiny. You can’t change fate!”
Damon smiled and exhaled, feeling satisfied with this explanation. The girl however narrowed her eyes into a piercing glare.
“Very well,” she said, tightly. “So we can’t change fate. In that case I hope you’ll be accepting when I tell you that your fate will shortly involve an axe, a blow torch and your comeuppance for being a lousy hack writer!!”
Her cheeks reddened with fury. Her knuckles clenched and twitched. Damon flinched and tried to think of something he might say to placate her.
“Well…err…I think some people can change their fates. I bet Jack could change his fate. I’ve always related to Jack, you know…”
She shrieked with frustration and bust his lip open.
“Hey! If you’ve made your mind up to kill me then it’s really harsh to torture me first,” he complained. “Can’t we talk about this?”
“Okay Lindelof,” she hissed. “Let’s talk. I’m gonna ask you this one more time. Why didn’t Charlie shut the door from the other side?”
Damon faltered. “He…he didn’t have time to think!! He was trying to save Desmond. He sacrificed himself. He was a hero!”
“Why didn’t Charlie swim out of the porthole window?” the girl continued, getting into her interrogator role now. “Answer me!”
“Because…because he knew he had to drown for the vision of Claire and Aaron being rescued by the helicopter to come true!!”
She frowned. “Why exactly did Charlie think that?”
“That’s what Desmond told him! Desmond knew because he changed that vision of Charlie getting hit by the arrow and…and…”
“…and the rest of the vision still happened?” she observed.
“Oh yeah,” he said, realising. “I guess Desmond screwed up. Oh well. That’ll give his character something to angst over in season four.”
Damon smiled to himself. A large vein started to throb in the girl’s temples.
“What if Desmond did something useful?” she suggested through gritted teeth. “Like rescuing Charlie from that room!!”
“Oh, but he can’t,” he insisted. “That room was totally flooded up to the ceiling. I’m very sorry, but Charlie drowned.”
“But Mr Smart Guy, the water level wouldn’t even rise to the ceiling in a pressurised chamber!”
“Yeah, it would!" he enthused. "Especially when the windows are blown open by grenades.”
Her face hardened. “Grenades don’t actually work underwater, do they?”
“Yeah, they do!! Come on…it was the finale! You’ve gotta have explosions.”
Her patience snapped. “That’s it! I’m getting the spear gun…”
The girl marched over to a storage locker and took out a vicious looking harpoon. She levelled it at the man who sat bound to the chair.
“No, no…please!” he stammered. “Don’t kill me!!”
She smiled and rolled her eyes at him.
“I’m not gonna kill you, Damon. I’m just gonna shoot a spear into your chest. You’ll be fine. You’ll be able to go swimming afterwards.”
She took aim once more. He cried out in panic.
“No, no, wait! I admit it!! When people get shot in the chest with spears they generally tend to die! They don’t get up and swim like…like…”
“Like the man who murdered my Charlie!!”
The woman threw the spear gun against the wall and fell down on her knees, sobbing hysterically and beating her fists on the floor.
“Err yeah…that guy should’ve stayed dead…” he conceded.
She sniffed, bitterly. “You might even say it was a...cheat for him to survive.”
“Absolutely!” he agreed. “Now where have I heard that before?”
Damon fell silent, contemplating this. The young woman took a picture from her pocket. A picture of Charlie Pace holding up his hand with the word ‘Fate’ written across his knuckles. She whispered ‘I’m your number one fan’ and then began to cry again in earnest. Damon tried to think of a pleasant topic of conversation that would lighten the atmosphere between them.
“So who do you think Kate is gonna chose?” he asked breezily.
The girl got to her feet and slapped him. Twice.
“I told you to shut up!” she growled, sucking up her tears.
“Right,” he said, his face smarting. “You got it.”
“Your stupid Godforsaken love triangle isn’t important right now! We need to figure out how you’re gonna bring Charlie back.”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Damon assured her. “Charlie can show up in somebody’s flashback or he can appear in somebody’s dream…”
“NO, damn you!! Charlie needs to come back to life! He needs to survive to show that one man can win against the universe! He needs to prove that we’re not all prisoners of fate and there is hope in our redemption!”
“Oh, I suppose so. Neat message.”
“Right! That’s right! So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re gonna write a script for a new episode called Charlie’s Return.”
He nodded. “Okay, let’s do it!”
The woman smiled delightly and started rubbing her hands together. She was suddenly feeling very positive and excited about Lost again.
“So…so how is Charlie going to come back?!” she asked him, imploringly. “I can’t wait to find out! I need spoilers now! Gimme!!”
Damon wrinkled up his forehead, trying to figure out the very best possible way for the storyline to go. A flash of inspiration came to him.
“I got it!” he exclaimed. “Charlie will wake up in the jungle and they’ll be absolutely no explanation whatsoever as to how he survived his predicament in the hatch!” He shook his head, marvelling at his own genius. He was really cooking with gas now. “And then…then Walt will randomly appear and tell Charlie that he has work to do. Then Charlie will make his shocking return on the beach and shoot one of the female characters in the gut!! Then Locke will blow something up…then Sawyer will take his shirt off…and then…mmmmmmm…”
His sentence was cut short as she shoved a gag into his mouth.
“Yes, that is really earth-shattering stuff, Lindelof. But I think I have a better idea.” She wandered over to a table, where there lay a stack of computer print outs. She lifted the papers and placed them into his lap. “These are a selection of stories from an LJ community called ‘Charlie Lives!’. Fan-fiction writers have found some very imaginative ways to bring Charlie back to life and several of them actually make sense! There’s everything here from a simple rescue and resuscitation, to saving Charlie by means of time travel, parallel universes, spiritual possession by Jacob, the Looking Glass being a space portal…you can take your pick. Don’t worry. We won’t sue. We just want our Charlie back.”
Damon tried to say something, but his speech was muffled by the wad of material. The girl sighed and removed the gag, knowing she would probably regret it.
“What’s that you were saying?” she inquired.
“Are there any Charlie zombie stories?” he asked, hopefully.
“No Damon, there are no zombie stories.” He opened his mouth to speak again, but she cut him off. “There are no stories involving explosions either.”
“Oh, come on!” he moaned, petulantly. “If Charlie’s coming back to life there’s just got to be an explosion! Let’s make a compromise.”
The girl threw up her hands in exasperation.
“Fine! You can have ONE explosion. Why not blow up that ship and get rid of all those new characters we don’t want.”
“Cool!” He bounced in his seat. “Exploding boat of bad guys!"
"Yes indeed. Oh and Damon…explain the four-toed statue already.”
“Okay, okay!” he muttered, irritably. “Can I go now?”
“Just one more thing…” The girl lifted a shoebox from the floor and slipped her hand inside. A large furry tarantula crawled out onto her palm. She looked up at Damon’s horrified expression and smiled brightly.
“A bunch of us Charlie fans pitched in and bought this little gift for Dominic for when he comes back to set. Her name is Misery…” She stroked the spider lovingly with her finger. “I’m just going to pop her into your pocket so that you can pass her onto Dom the next time you see him, okay?”
Damon tensed as the tarantula was slipped into his breast pocket. Misery didn’t stay there for long. She crawled beneath his shirt and began creeping down towards his crotch. He shivered and broke out in a cold sweat.
“Aw! Isn’t that sweet?” said the girl. “She’s exploring!”
He forced a smile, trying to keep still. “Okay then. I’ll make sure that Dom gets his spider when we call him back to work.”
She clapped her hands excitedly, her eyes sparkling.
“Ooh, I can’t wait! Just remember, Damon. If you ever kill off my Charlie or neglect his character again I will hunt you down, Mr Man.” She paused for a moment and then added. “Don’t kill Sayid either.”
With that, the young woman took a dart gun from her belt and fired a shot into his neck. Damon felt his body convulse, once...twice...then his eyelids drooped closed and he fell into a blissful stupor.
Postscript: If you enjoyed this fic and identified with its key issues please join the
charlielives community where you may read or submit your own story ideas for the forthcoming Charlie's Return episode which Damon will be writing *kicks Damon*.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Lost/Misery crossover. RPF horror/humour and Crack!fic. Damon Lindelof has been kidnapped by a crazy fangirl who is furious with him for killing off her favourite character.
Characters: Damon Lindelof, crazed Charlie fan.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost. I have not kidnapped Damon. This fic is meant in jest.
Authors Note: This story is my first entry for the Lost Horror Stories challenge using the Misery prompt. If you are unfamiliar with this classic horror flick based on the Stephen King novel then check out the Movie Trailer before reading. I'm submitting this early because I've signed up for two prompts (my Wicker Man fic is in the works!) and I wanted to get one of them out of the way.
Dedication: Wishing a very Happy Birthday to
sapphire_child. One of the craziest Charlie lovers on the web!
Awards: Winner of Best Humorous Story at
lost_fic_awards.
Damon groaned as he drifted slowly back into wakefulness. He blinked his eyes and found that he was imprisoned in a small darkened room. His chest and arms were bound securely to a chair and his bare feet were roped together. He frowned as he remembered having Dom Monaghan tied up in this same fashion on his last few days of work. He winced, imagining there might be some horrible significance in this.
A young woman stepped out of the shadows and came to stand before him. She wore a black vest and army combats, together with a cool menacing expression on her face. Damon swallowed, squirming a little in his bonds.
“You’re one of them, aren’t you?” he murmured.
The girl tipped her head to one side. “One of who, Damon?”
“You’re one of those people who have been sending me angry letters…you're one of those people who’ve been scowling at me in the street…you’re…you’re…”
Suddenly the woman swung her fist, making bruising contact with his jaw.
“You killed my Charlie!!!” she wailed, her eyes blazing.
Damon grimaced. “Yeah…you’re one of those crazy Charlie fangirls.”
“Shut up!” she raged, punching him again. “You dirty bird…”
He squinted. “Is that a Stephen King reference?”
She sighed and folded her arms. “Yes Damon. You’re not the only one who can rip off Stephen King stories…”
He laughed weakly. “Hey listen, before you turn all Cathy Bates on my ass, I just want to say…I’m really sorry, okay? Honestly. I like Charlie. He’s the everyman hero. He’s the heart of the show. But, you know…after we had all those prophecies about Charlie dying it would have been a cheat if we’d let him live. Besides, Charlie chose to die. He embraced his destiny. You can’t change fate!”
Damon smiled and exhaled, feeling satisfied with this explanation. The girl however narrowed her eyes into a piercing glare.
“Very well,” she said, tightly. “So we can’t change fate. In that case I hope you’ll be accepting when I tell you that your fate will shortly involve an axe, a blow torch and your comeuppance for being a lousy hack writer!!”
Her cheeks reddened with fury. Her knuckles clenched and twitched. Damon flinched and tried to think of something he might say to placate her.
“Well…err…I think some people can change their fates. I bet Jack could change his fate. I’ve always related to Jack, you know…”
She shrieked with frustration and bust his lip open.
“Hey! If you’ve made your mind up to kill me then it’s really harsh to torture me first,” he complained. “Can’t we talk about this?”
“Okay Lindelof,” she hissed. “Let’s talk. I’m gonna ask you this one more time. Why didn’t Charlie shut the door from the other side?”
Damon faltered. “He…he didn’t have time to think!! He was trying to save Desmond. He sacrificed himself. He was a hero!”
“Why didn’t Charlie swim out of the porthole window?” the girl continued, getting into her interrogator role now. “Answer me!”
“Because…because he knew he had to drown for the vision of Claire and Aaron being rescued by the helicopter to come true!!”
She frowned. “Why exactly did Charlie think that?”
“That’s what Desmond told him! Desmond knew because he changed that vision of Charlie getting hit by the arrow and…and…”
“…and the rest of the vision still happened?” she observed.
“Oh yeah,” he said, realising. “I guess Desmond screwed up. Oh well. That’ll give his character something to angst over in season four.”
Damon smiled to himself. A large vein started to throb in the girl’s temples.
“What if Desmond did something useful?” she suggested through gritted teeth. “Like rescuing Charlie from that room!!”
“Oh, but he can’t,” he insisted. “That room was totally flooded up to the ceiling. I’m very sorry, but Charlie drowned.”
“But Mr Smart Guy, the water level wouldn’t even rise to the ceiling in a pressurised chamber!”
“Yeah, it would!" he enthused. "Especially when the windows are blown open by grenades.”
Her face hardened. “Grenades don’t actually work underwater, do they?”
“Yeah, they do!! Come on…it was the finale! You’ve gotta have explosions.”
Her patience snapped. “That’s it! I’m getting the spear gun…”
The girl marched over to a storage locker and took out a vicious looking harpoon. She levelled it at the man who sat bound to the chair.
“No, no…please!” he stammered. “Don’t kill me!!”
She smiled and rolled her eyes at him.
“I’m not gonna kill you, Damon. I’m just gonna shoot a spear into your chest. You’ll be fine. You’ll be able to go swimming afterwards.”
She took aim once more. He cried out in panic.
“No, no, wait! I admit it!! When people get shot in the chest with spears they generally tend to die! They don’t get up and swim like…like…”
“Like the man who murdered my Charlie!!”
The woman threw the spear gun against the wall and fell down on her knees, sobbing hysterically and beating her fists on the floor.
“Err yeah…that guy should’ve stayed dead…” he conceded.
She sniffed, bitterly. “You might even say it was a...cheat for him to survive.”
“Absolutely!” he agreed. “Now where have I heard that before?”
Damon fell silent, contemplating this. The young woman took a picture from her pocket. A picture of Charlie Pace holding up his hand with the word ‘Fate’ written across his knuckles. She whispered ‘I’m your number one fan’ and then began to cry again in earnest. Damon tried to think of a pleasant topic of conversation that would lighten the atmosphere between them.
“So who do you think Kate is gonna chose?” he asked breezily.
The girl got to her feet and slapped him. Twice.
“I told you to shut up!” she growled, sucking up her tears.
“Right,” he said, his face smarting. “You got it.”
“Your stupid Godforsaken love triangle isn’t important right now! We need to figure out how you’re gonna bring Charlie back.”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Damon assured her. “Charlie can show up in somebody’s flashback or he can appear in somebody’s dream…”
“NO, damn you!! Charlie needs to come back to life! He needs to survive to show that one man can win against the universe! He needs to prove that we’re not all prisoners of fate and there is hope in our redemption!”
“Oh, I suppose so. Neat message.”
“Right! That’s right! So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re gonna write a script for a new episode called Charlie’s Return.”
He nodded. “Okay, let’s do it!”
The woman smiled delightly and started rubbing her hands together. She was suddenly feeling very positive and excited about Lost again.
“So…so how is Charlie going to come back?!” she asked him, imploringly. “I can’t wait to find out! I need spoilers now! Gimme!!”
Damon wrinkled up his forehead, trying to figure out the very best possible way for the storyline to go. A flash of inspiration came to him.
“I got it!” he exclaimed. “Charlie will wake up in the jungle and they’ll be absolutely no explanation whatsoever as to how he survived his predicament in the hatch!” He shook his head, marvelling at his own genius. He was really cooking with gas now. “And then…then Walt will randomly appear and tell Charlie that he has work to do. Then Charlie will make his shocking return on the beach and shoot one of the female characters in the gut!! Then Locke will blow something up…then Sawyer will take his shirt off…and then…mmmmmmm…”
His sentence was cut short as she shoved a gag into his mouth.
“Yes, that is really earth-shattering stuff, Lindelof. But I think I have a better idea.” She wandered over to a table, where there lay a stack of computer print outs. She lifted the papers and placed them into his lap. “These are a selection of stories from an LJ community called ‘Charlie Lives!’. Fan-fiction writers have found some very imaginative ways to bring Charlie back to life and several of them actually make sense! There’s everything here from a simple rescue and resuscitation, to saving Charlie by means of time travel, parallel universes, spiritual possession by Jacob, the Looking Glass being a space portal…you can take your pick. Don’t worry. We won’t sue. We just want our Charlie back.”
Damon tried to say something, but his speech was muffled by the wad of material. The girl sighed and removed the gag, knowing she would probably regret it.
“What’s that you were saying?” she inquired.
“Are there any Charlie zombie stories?” he asked, hopefully.
“No Damon, there are no zombie stories.” He opened his mouth to speak again, but she cut him off. “There are no stories involving explosions either.”
“Oh, come on!” he moaned, petulantly. “If Charlie’s coming back to life there’s just got to be an explosion! Let’s make a compromise.”
The girl threw up her hands in exasperation.
“Fine! You can have ONE explosion. Why not blow up that ship and get rid of all those new characters we don’t want.”
“Cool!” He bounced in his seat. “Exploding boat of bad guys!"
"Yes indeed. Oh and Damon…explain the four-toed statue already.”
“Okay, okay!” he muttered, irritably. “Can I go now?”
“Just one more thing…” The girl lifted a shoebox from the floor and slipped her hand inside. A large furry tarantula crawled out onto her palm. She looked up at Damon’s horrified expression and smiled brightly.
“A bunch of us Charlie fans pitched in and bought this little gift for Dominic for when he comes back to set. Her name is Misery…” She stroked the spider lovingly with her finger. “I’m just going to pop her into your pocket so that you can pass her onto Dom the next time you see him, okay?”
Damon tensed as the tarantula was slipped into his breast pocket. Misery didn’t stay there for long. She crawled beneath his shirt and began creeping down towards his crotch. He shivered and broke out in a cold sweat.
“Aw! Isn’t that sweet?” said the girl. “She’s exploring!”
He forced a smile, trying to keep still. “Okay then. I’ll make sure that Dom gets his spider when we call him back to work.”
She clapped her hands excitedly, her eyes sparkling.
“Ooh, I can’t wait! Just remember, Damon. If you ever kill off my Charlie or neglect his character again I will hunt you down, Mr Man.” She paused for a moment and then added. “Don’t kill Sayid either.”
With that, the young woman took a dart gun from her belt and fired a shot into his neck. Damon felt his body convulse, once...twice...then his eyelids drooped closed and he fell into a blissful stupor.
Postscript: If you enjoyed this fic and identified with its key issues please join the
charlielives community where you may read or submit your own story ideas for the forthcoming Charlie's Return episode which Damon will be writing *kicks Damon*.