329 - Get Out
I should get out of the house. I need to get out of the house. I can't, though. I have to be strong for Dawn. Everyone saw how she was like at the hospital. And then there's all these bills... God, this is so stupid. Bills. How can they tell you someone is dead and then say, "Hey, by the way, we know you can't pay for any of this, but here are some bills for what we couldn't do for your mother. You know, she's dead. The ER people did nothing for her except tell you what you already knew, but here's some bills. Have a nice day."
God, I can't pay for this. Maybe I could ask Giles for a loan... no, he doesn't have a lot of money either. Or maybe he does. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? I can't remember anything.
The funeral. I barely remember that. A few of Mom's friends, mainly my friends, and Angel popping up once it got dark enough. Did I talk or say anything? If I did, did it sound wise-woman-like? Probably not. It probably sounded.... Buffy-like.
I think a funeral is what she wanted, from the few talks I had with Mom before the operation just... just in case. I mean, there wasn't a Will. (Or is it will with a lowercase "w"? Can I even talk to Willow now and use that nickname, or am I always going to be reminded of that word?)
I have to be strong for Dawn. I have to be strong for my sister. She's depending on me; everyone's depending on me. I know Giles said the gang would take over patrolling for a bit, so that's good. One less thing to worry about.
This can't be my house. It was Mom's. Is Mom's. Still is Mom's.
Her bedroom is still her bedroom and I'm not moving in there.
I should get out of here, though. I mean, this is where I found my mother dead on the couch. Maybe I should buy a new couch? Oh, wait, no, I can't, there's hospital bills and the ER bills and funeral bills... and I don't have a job. Not one that pays, anyway.
It's horrible, this feeling right now. Like I'm numb. Like someone has taken a stake and rammed it through my own heart, only I won't turn to dust because I'm human so it's still just bleeding out out out, not stopping, not ever, and I have to keep moving.
How lame is it that I'm using vampire metaphors to talk about what it's like to find out my mother is dead? Seriously, there's something wrong with me.
Dawn seems okay. I don't know how she's managing -- maybe because she wasn't there. She didn't see her eyes, she didn't see the body on the couch with the skirt that wasn't covering her legs all the way before the guys came in, she didn't hear the cracking sound as I broke a rib accidentally while giving CPR, she just... listened to me tell her the news. Dawn's upset. I know she is. She just can't possibly feel as upset as me, because... well, because. I don't know, because I'm the older sister and I'm the one protecting her from all the Big Bads out there so I've got to protect her from this, too.
She didn't really see the body. Mom. Mom was... a body. No, wait, she did for a bit at the hospital. I told her it wasn't Mom, but I think Dawn needed to know for herself somehow. Only... only we don't ever really know, do we? I died, sure, but it was only for a little bit and Xander brought me back. There wasn't any magical light or warm place; it was like I'd fallen asleep and there was nothing, not until I woke up coughing with Xander and Angel right there. So I couldn't even tell Dawn that, "No, she's gone to a better place" because I've been there, and there's just... nothing.
Stupid bills. Stupid "we're sorry" cards that I have to reply to. I don't even have enough stamps... I should get out and buy some. Then all those lame "We're so sorry for your loss" cards can be answered and thrown in the trash with the rest of the flowers that are here, cluttering up Mom's kitchen doing nothing but dying slowly. Seriously, "sorry for your loss" has to be the most idiotic thing I've ever heard of. Loss? Really? Loss? My mother is dead, not lost somewhere. She's not coming back, there's no loss about it.
I haven't cried. Maybe if I just go out and cry, I'll feel better. Sometimes, it helps things they say. There's, like, five stages of loss is what Tara told me. I've sort of been bonding with her ever since the whole talk at the hospital when she told me about her mom dying. Acceptance, that's the last and most important one... that's what she told me. Right now, I think I'm somewhere between wanting to kill Glory just to get the violence out of my system, or simply staring off into space.
I need to clean up the mess in the other room. Crap, I forgot about that. Mom would be pissed if she saw the mess I'd made... wait. I already cleaned it. Okay, breathe, Buffy. You can do this. You can make it through somehow. If you keep busy enough doing things that don't really matter, then it'll be fine. You'll be fine. Dawn'll be fine.
Yeah, right, and someday you can retire and never have to worry about vamps or demons ever again.
I just... I don't understand. She's gone, and I've been so stupid this whole time, lying to her about being the Slayer forever, arguing with her, trying to take care of her when she was sick with the tumor... and it's nothing now. Stupid things that I shouldn't have worried about. I should've worried about her more. Or the tumor; if I'd managed to make sure it had actually been gone for good instead of just taking all the doctor's words for it... maybe there's some spell that could've helped if I'd only asked Willow...
The phone's ringing again. Thank God I've got Giles here to answer all the people calling, trying to make me feel better, when all it does is make me feel worse. And what's with all the food? Food doesn't help anything. Pies. I have, like, ten pies in the fridge that I'll probably just give to Xander and Anya to eat. Seriously, pies don't do anything -- when did "Here's a pie" become a way for someone to express sorrow or comfort?
I need to get out and go back to Brown Brothers Mortuary to sign the last of the paperwork. I just don't want to do that right now, but it'll be good for me to. It'll be good to keep moving, just keep moving and being the total take-control-girl who won't ever cry because if I stop... if I stop for one moment...
It'll be real. Mom will be gone.
And I'll be alone.
I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew.
Muse: Buffy Summers
Fandom: BtVS
Word Count: 1,202 (not including direct quotes)
OOC: This prompt reply takes place during the episode Forever, and is dedicated to the mun's late mother.
God, I can't pay for this. Maybe I could ask Giles for a loan... no, he doesn't have a lot of money either. Or maybe he does. I can't remember. Why can't I remember? I can't remember anything.
The funeral. I barely remember that. A few of Mom's friends, mainly my friends, and Angel popping up once it got dark enough. Did I talk or say anything? If I did, did it sound wise-woman-like? Probably not. It probably sounded.... Buffy-like.
I think a funeral is what she wanted, from the few talks I had with Mom before the operation just... just in case. I mean, there wasn't a Will. (Or is it will with a lowercase "w"? Can I even talk to Willow now and use that nickname, or am I always going to be reminded of that word?)
I have to be strong for Dawn. I have to be strong for my sister. She's depending on me; everyone's depending on me. I know Giles said the gang would take over patrolling for a bit, so that's good. One less thing to worry about.
This can't be my house. It was Mom's. Is Mom's. Still is Mom's.
Her bedroom is still her bedroom and I'm not moving in there.
I should get out of here, though. I mean, this is where I found my mother dead on the couch. Maybe I should buy a new couch? Oh, wait, no, I can't, there's hospital bills and the ER bills and funeral bills... and I don't have a job. Not one that pays, anyway.
It's horrible, this feeling right now. Like I'm numb. Like someone has taken a stake and rammed it through my own heart, only I won't turn to dust because I'm human so it's still just bleeding out out out, not stopping, not ever, and I have to keep moving.
How lame is it that I'm using vampire metaphors to talk about what it's like to find out my mother is dead? Seriously, there's something wrong with me.
Dawn seems okay. I don't know how she's managing -- maybe because she wasn't there. She didn't see her eyes, she didn't see the body on the couch with the skirt that wasn't covering her legs all the way before the guys came in, she didn't hear the cracking sound as I broke a rib accidentally while giving CPR, she just... listened to me tell her the news. Dawn's upset. I know she is. She just can't possibly feel as upset as me, because... well, because. I don't know, because I'm the older sister and I'm the one protecting her from all the Big Bads out there so I've got to protect her from this, too.
She didn't really see the body. Mom. Mom was... a body. No, wait, she did for a bit at the hospital. I told her it wasn't Mom, but I think Dawn needed to know for herself somehow. Only... only we don't ever really know, do we? I died, sure, but it was only for a little bit and Xander brought me back. There wasn't any magical light or warm place; it was like I'd fallen asleep and there was nothing, not until I woke up coughing with Xander and Angel right there. So I couldn't even tell Dawn that, "No, she's gone to a better place" because I've been there, and there's just... nothing.
Stupid bills. Stupid "we're sorry" cards that I have to reply to. I don't even have enough stamps... I should get out and buy some. Then all those lame "We're so sorry for your loss" cards can be answered and thrown in the trash with the rest of the flowers that are here, cluttering up Mom's kitchen doing nothing but dying slowly. Seriously, "sorry for your loss" has to be the most idiotic thing I've ever heard of. Loss? Really? Loss? My mother is dead, not lost somewhere. She's not coming back, there's no loss about it.
I haven't cried. Maybe if I just go out and cry, I'll feel better. Sometimes, it helps things they say. There's, like, five stages of loss is what Tara told me. I've sort of been bonding with her ever since the whole talk at the hospital when she told me about her mom dying. Acceptance, that's the last and most important one... that's what she told me. Right now, I think I'm somewhere between wanting to kill Glory just to get the violence out of my system, or simply staring off into space.
I need to clean up the mess in the other room. Crap, I forgot about that. Mom would be pissed if she saw the mess I'd made... wait. I already cleaned it. Okay, breathe, Buffy. You can do this. You can make it through somehow. If you keep busy enough doing things that don't really matter, then it'll be fine. You'll be fine. Dawn'll be fine.
Yeah, right, and someday you can retire and never have to worry about vamps or demons ever again.
I just... I don't understand. She's gone, and I've been so stupid this whole time, lying to her about being the Slayer forever, arguing with her, trying to take care of her when she was sick with the tumor... and it's nothing now. Stupid things that I shouldn't have worried about. I should've worried about her more. Or the tumor; if I'd managed to make sure it had actually been gone for good instead of just taking all the doctor's words for it... maybe there's some spell that could've helped if I'd only asked Willow...
The phone's ringing again. Thank God I've got Giles here to answer all the people calling, trying to make me feel better, when all it does is make me feel worse. And what's with all the food? Food doesn't help anything. Pies. I have, like, ten pies in the fridge that I'll probably just give to Xander and Anya to eat. Seriously, pies don't do anything -- when did "Here's a pie" become a way for someone to express sorrow or comfort?
I need to get out and go back to Brown Brothers Mortuary to sign the last of the paperwork. I just don't want to do that right now, but it'll be good for me to. It'll be good to keep moving, just keep moving and being the total take-control-girl who won't ever cry because if I stop... if I stop for one moment...
It'll be real. Mom will be gone.
And I'll be alone.
I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew.
Muse: Buffy Summers
Fandom: BtVS
Word Count: 1,202 (not including direct quotes)
OOC: This prompt reply takes place during the episode Forever, and is dedicated to the mun's late mother.