This was a letter to Trevor I decided was too depressing & revealing for his innocent eyes
It's my livejournal. Can't I use it as my own personal Narcissistic pool.
I don't have a likable personality. People are able to forget about me so easily. I'm always a second thought. Which is exactly what I don't want. Maybe because I complain to much. Or overanalyze. Or I'm boring. I wish I knew.
I guess I'm just too hard on myself. I don't know of anyone else that talks & thinks like this. & I do it everyday. At dinner earlier I was telling my mom how much I'm dreading the summer because last summer was so awful. I didn't have a job and my friends were disinterested in me. All I had was the dropzone and that was only on the weekends. I'm afraid this summer will be even worse. Of course I'm afraid I will have already lost my job and I'm afraid my friends will ignore me and I'll be a total outsider because I'm going to a completely different school and not rooming with any of them. They'll be talking about it constantly and getting shit ready & I'll just be hangin back not having anything to say.
Ugh I think too far ahead. I should just get a load of books and hole myself up in my room and get educated. HA I would totally hate that.
I want to move on. So so so badly. I can't even describe it. & I don't understand why people go to college & room with their high school friends. College should not be an extension to high school. I see it as a time to start over. Is it because I'm more mature or just insecure? Looking back, high school has not been that fun at all. I definitely have some good memories but I have plenty of bad ones too. Isn't it funny how it's so much easier to remember the bad times than it is to remember the good ones.
I've never, ever been happy with what I have. That is my major downfall - I can't appreciate what I have. It's never enough, I need more and more. I hate it but I can't help it.
I am constantly comparing my class to the senior class when I was a freshman. From my POV, it seemed like they had so much fun and were so carefree during their senior year. They hung out together constantly and just genuinely enjoyed their last year of high school. Was it because they were immature & didn't want to move on or what...? Uhghhhhhh I want to leave. So sosos bad. I want to be happy. & it's sad that I think I have to fly all the way to Arizona to try to find happiness.
I believe the only reason I ever got involved with drugs was to find solace and to get away from my thoughts. I think far to much and it leads me into depression. The way I fret over small things and have to plan out everything. The way I overanalyze and care far to much how people feel about me, think about me. Pot cures all that.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Will someone please tell me
I don't have a likable personality. People are able to forget about me so easily. I'm always a second thought. Which is exactly what I don't want. Maybe because I complain to much. Or overanalyze. Or I'm boring. I wish I knew.
I guess I'm just too hard on myself. I don't know of anyone else that talks & thinks like this. & I do it everyday. At dinner earlier I was telling my mom how much I'm dreading the summer because last summer was so awful. I didn't have a job and my friends were disinterested in me. All I had was the dropzone and that was only on the weekends. I'm afraid this summer will be even worse. Of course I'm afraid I will have already lost my job and I'm afraid my friends will ignore me and I'll be a total outsider because I'm going to a completely different school and not rooming with any of them. They'll be talking about it constantly and getting shit ready & I'll just be hangin back not having anything to say.
Ugh I think too far ahead. I should just get a load of books and hole myself up in my room and get educated. HA I would totally hate that.
I want to move on. So so so badly. I can't even describe it. & I don't understand why people go to college & room with their high school friends. College should not be an extension to high school. I see it as a time to start over. Is it because I'm more mature or just insecure? Looking back, high school has not been that fun at all. I definitely have some good memories but I have plenty of bad ones too. Isn't it funny how it's so much easier to remember the bad times than it is to remember the good ones.
I've never, ever been happy with what I have. That is my major downfall - I can't appreciate what I have. It's never enough, I need more and more. I hate it but I can't help it.
I am constantly comparing my class to the senior class when I was a freshman. From my POV, it seemed like they had so much fun and were so carefree during their senior year. They hung out together constantly and just genuinely enjoyed their last year of high school. Was it because they were immature & didn't want to move on or what...? Uhghhhhhh I want to leave. So sosos bad. I want to be happy. & it's sad that I think I have to fly all the way to Arizona to try to find happiness.
I believe the only reason I ever got involved with drugs was to find solace and to get away from my thoughts. I think far to much and it leads me into depression. The way I fret over small things and have to plan out everything. The way I overanalyze and care far to much how people feel about me, think about me. Pot cures all that.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Will someone please tell me