Ouy.
Watch out, I'm in a "Hi, my name is Kelly and I think/overanalyze things too much" mood. I'll be impressed if you read this whole thing.
ANYWAY, I feel like I've been lied to a lot. Or not even that. I feel like I kid myself all the time. I tend to think that if someone means a lot to me, I mean the same to them. Some part of me is thinking that's not necessarily true. I don't know what to do about it.
Do I tell people I miss them too much? I'm thinking people are getting annoyed with it, when its actually the truth. Maybe it's me wanting some kind of feedback, I don't know. I'd like to think I'm missed when I'm away at school. Call it selfish, cuz I don't know what else to call it.
I put a lot of effort into my friendships, without a doubt. I like them to know what I think of them, and when they do something that affects me in a good or bad way- I'll tell them. Sure, it gives me a boost- but sometimes I'd just wish to get some feedback from it.
Is that terrible of me? Shouldn't I just be content with the way things are? Why can't I be content with it? What is keeping me from that?
Jesus. Listen to me contradict myself left and right. I'm going to try to sort this out.
I miss my friends, like crazy when I'm away. This is because they mean a lot to me, and I like to let them know that. The catch is, I feel like I kid myself into thinking they feel the same way. I wish I'd be told I'm missed, and/or cared about. I guess it's kind of selfish of me. And I don't want to be selfish, but sometimes I can't help it. Giving with no feedback gets hard from time to time. I've felt very walked upon lately. And it takes this HUGE toll on me, because I hold my friends up above everyone.
For example: One of my "best friends" who was awesomely close to me the beginning of this semester, has done a complete personality 180. She has changed in a matter of weeks, because of a GUY who is 11 years (to the day) older than her. Now, I am honestly worried for her, because hi- this guy is kinda obsessive and creepy. But she won't see that because he buys her things, lets her use his car whenever she wants. I urgently helped her move dorm rooms because she was having problems with her previous roomate. I took time out of my busy schedule to rush her into the new room, and has she lived in it yet? Of course not. This was at least three weeks ago. I feel bad for her poor freakin' roomate, who has someone's stuff there, but doesn't even know the girl she lives with. No one deserves that. Instead- this friend commutes daily back and forth between Brick, her dad's house, and Rutgers. I'm told "I'll call you later"- there's no call. I haven't spoken with her in a week. I also, through the grapevine, found out some very important information about her and her school scenario, and she decided to keep that from me. "Best friends" don't do that. I'm so tired of it. My mom's advice? "fuck caring". God, I wish it was that easy.
Another friend of mine, who I was so close to this summer- I feel like our friendship has just drifted so far apart. I tell her all the time that I miss her and want to hang out and stuff, and the one time we did hang out since I left, it was wonderful. But every attempt at conversation, or trying to get a phone call has really failed. There's even a chance that she'll read this, but I don't mind. It's honest, but not hurtful. I miss our honest conversations. She'd truly listen, and I loved listening to her and everything going on in her life. She has become really close to one of my other best friends, and the childlike outlook I take is that I've been replaced. And no kidding, that's 99.9% not the case, but I get so jealous that they hang out. And that I can't be with either of them. I'm stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy for them. I guess I'm just scared a strong friendship has been weakened because I'm at school. I don't want that to happen. So if you're reading this, and know it's you- I miss you, and I'd love to just have one big long phone call w/ you.
I want to repair all my broken friendships, or ones that just faded over time. I miss the closeness I had with some people so much. And sure, this is college and we're all going to drift apart, but I refuse to let frienships go without a fight. I don't want to look back and be like "oh wow, we were so close- but we just stopped talking and that was the end of our friendship". That's weak. I can't just let things happen like that.
Steve says I have a big heart, and maybe that's my problem. I give everyone too many chances. I care too much about everyone, even the people who have walked all over me. I know that someone with whom I've had quite a few issues in the past, is going through some rough stuff in her life. I don't know if she knows this, but I'd be there if she needed someone to talk to. That's the kind of person I am. I want to help. I want to be the person everyone knows they can consistently fall back on. I want to make a difference in my friends lives. Even if its something minor- I want to do it. I don't want to be the friend that someone is friends with simply because they have stuff in common. I want to be the friend that someone is friends with because of the RELATIONSHIP between us. Our interactions, and their happiness around me.
Is this too much to ask? Am I thinking too much? I have no idea. I just wish it was clearer, that I wouldn't let people have such an effect on me. Blah. I'm convinced I'm crazy
<333
ANYWAY, I feel like I've been lied to a lot. Or not even that. I feel like I kid myself all the time. I tend to think that if someone means a lot to me, I mean the same to them. Some part of me is thinking that's not necessarily true. I don't know what to do about it.
Do I tell people I miss them too much? I'm thinking people are getting annoyed with it, when its actually the truth. Maybe it's me wanting some kind of feedback, I don't know. I'd like to think I'm missed when I'm away at school. Call it selfish, cuz I don't know what else to call it.
I put a lot of effort into my friendships, without a doubt. I like them to know what I think of them, and when they do something that affects me in a good or bad way- I'll tell them. Sure, it gives me a boost- but sometimes I'd just wish to get some feedback from it.
Is that terrible of me? Shouldn't I just be content with the way things are? Why can't I be content with it? What is keeping me from that?
Jesus. Listen to me contradict myself left and right. I'm going to try to sort this out.
I miss my friends, like crazy when I'm away. This is because they mean a lot to me, and I like to let them know that. The catch is, I feel like I kid myself into thinking they feel the same way. I wish I'd be told I'm missed, and/or cared about. I guess it's kind of selfish of me. And I don't want to be selfish, but sometimes I can't help it. Giving with no feedback gets hard from time to time. I've felt very walked upon lately. And it takes this HUGE toll on me, because I hold my friends up above everyone.
For example: One of my "best friends" who was awesomely close to me the beginning of this semester, has done a complete personality 180. She has changed in a matter of weeks, because of a GUY who is 11 years (to the day) older than her. Now, I am honestly worried for her, because hi- this guy is kinda obsessive and creepy. But she won't see that because he buys her things, lets her use his car whenever she wants. I urgently helped her move dorm rooms because she was having problems with her previous roomate. I took time out of my busy schedule to rush her into the new room, and has she lived in it yet? Of course not. This was at least three weeks ago. I feel bad for her poor freakin' roomate, who has someone's stuff there, but doesn't even know the girl she lives with. No one deserves that. Instead- this friend commutes daily back and forth between Brick, her dad's house, and Rutgers. I'm told "I'll call you later"- there's no call. I haven't spoken with her in a week. I also, through the grapevine, found out some very important information about her and her school scenario, and she decided to keep that from me. "Best friends" don't do that. I'm so tired of it. My mom's advice? "fuck caring". God, I wish it was that easy.
Another friend of mine, who I was so close to this summer- I feel like our friendship has just drifted so far apart. I tell her all the time that I miss her and want to hang out and stuff, and the one time we did hang out since I left, it was wonderful. But every attempt at conversation, or trying to get a phone call has really failed. There's even a chance that she'll read this, but I don't mind. It's honest, but not hurtful. I miss our honest conversations. She'd truly listen, and I loved listening to her and everything going on in her life. She has become really close to one of my other best friends, and the childlike outlook I take is that I've been replaced. And no kidding, that's 99.9% not the case, but I get so jealous that they hang out. And that I can't be with either of them. I'm stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy for them. I guess I'm just scared a strong friendship has been weakened because I'm at school. I don't want that to happen. So if you're reading this, and know it's you- I miss you, and I'd love to just have one big long phone call w/ you.
I want to repair all my broken friendships, or ones that just faded over time. I miss the closeness I had with some people so much. And sure, this is college and we're all going to drift apart, but I refuse to let frienships go without a fight. I don't want to look back and be like "oh wow, we were so close- but we just stopped talking and that was the end of our friendship". That's weak. I can't just let things happen like that.
Steve says I have a big heart, and maybe that's my problem. I give everyone too many chances. I care too much about everyone, even the people who have walked all over me. I know that someone with whom I've had quite a few issues in the past, is going through some rough stuff in her life. I don't know if she knows this, but I'd be there if she needed someone to talk to. That's the kind of person I am. I want to help. I want to be the person everyone knows they can consistently fall back on. I want to make a difference in my friends lives. Even if its something minor- I want to do it. I don't want to be the friend that someone is friends with simply because they have stuff in common. I want to be the friend that someone is friends with because of the RELATIONSHIP between us. Our interactions, and their happiness around me.
Is this too much to ask? Am I thinking too much? I have no idea. I just wish it was clearer, that I wouldn't let people have such an effect on me. Blah. I'm convinced I'm crazy
<333