"Paroxysm"

[fakepoptart]

EDIT** Updated the link so it is working again.

The follow up to Christmas in Albuquerque is up and running over at my FF.net account.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9795224/2/Christmas-in-Albuquerque

Due to the overwhelming lameness of LJ I had to resort to

Comments

[squonkfan]

Whoa, you must think pretty lowly of Walt, because I figured he was a giant asshole too.

:) I think it's more like I, as a reader, interpreted your Walt as less assholish than your may have had in your mind as the author. Which is the kind of thing that happens all the time, text not being static and all that--another reader may have a different take. I'm definitely not saying he's OOC. It's just that, for me, he seems here to have a higher level of self-awareness and especially an ongoing regard for Jesse's feelings (or at least a consciousness of them) that I personally don't see as much of in his character. He doesn't say a lot here, which is definitely Walt-like, and still behaves like a shit at times for sure. But there feels like more of an inward regard for Jesse and for their dynamic than I would necessarily credit him with. Of course, there's certainly an argument to be made that sex can change one's thinking!

I actually believe Walt's actions in "Phoenix" were a lot about protecting Jesse, though, particularly in light of his conversation with Jane's dad. It's just that they weren't only about protecting Jesse. Again, the thing that makes "Half Measures" so interesting is how direct the motivation seems to be, whereas usually on the show they're so into making sure everyone's motives are foggy as hell. I'm excited to see where that leads them emotionally...in ten thousand years when the show comes back. *headdesk*

I'd love to read some of more of this fic series, but I'd be thrilled for a different story, too! Hope to read more from you as soon as you recover.

[fakepoptart]

Haha, maybe I did write him as less assholish than I normally would I guess, just sort of for how this particular story was going to be shaped. And I'm kind of a romantic so I'll give him credit where it's not generally due to set a tone. XD Walt introspection is about as close to an impossible exercise as I've gotten in fanfiction and then when you add elements outside the actual realm of the show... Well, then it's a hit or a miss really. I dunno, I'm glad you think he's not totally OOC though. lol

& Yeah, the Phoenix thing I tried to write as sort of ambivalent because I don't doubt that Walt also had his own interests in mind, probably very near the front too, but what I imagine his mental state must have been in that particular scene is like, bleh, I dunno, so I guess maybe it came out looking one-way but that's not what I intended. >.< I was going for a kind of denial-reading where Walt believes that's all it was about 'cause "he's not a criminal/murderer/bad guy" in his mind but, uh...

Forgot where I was goin' with that. I just watched Half Measures again today, and it still seriously rocks. 8) I was doing it partially to get me in the mindset to write something else for BB but that's all I can say right now, 'cause it's already been a couple days so I'm not sure where this mindset is even going. Somewheres, I hope, 'cause ten thousand years is a long-ass time. :( I hear there'll be minisodes in the interim at least.

Oh, and I just realized it's because the fic is rated "M" and the archive automatically only brings up "K-T". *facepalm*

[squonkfan]

Hey, I am all about characters being maybe a little bit nicer for fantasy-fufillment purposes. I mean, seriously, as long as it's not totally OOC I am as willing to give a little to get my buttons pushed as the next girl. I might get all rambling and pedantic about the nature of characterization in the comments just because it's my strange idea of a good time, but note that I also mentioned the little squee melt-down I had that traumatized my dog and the number of times I have read the thing. Obviously, this fic is not exactly having a negative impact on my life. :D Besides, there truly is a boatload of fantastic, bullseye stuff in there. The spoken dialogue, too, is really note-perfect. So grateful to have this fic, genuinely.

I hear there'll be minisodes in the interim at least.

I'm not sure about this. Bryan gave an interview where he was all, "Minisodes!" And then someone obviously had a word with him, because he left an online comment in his own interview going, "Uhh, that thing I said about minisodes? Forget I said it." Apparently it was something being talked about but was never actually decided on, yet in his head it had somehow morphed into a firm thing. Oops. So I don't know what the deal is, exactly, but it's certainly going to be hard to put those worms back in the can.

[fakepoptart]

Ahhh yes and characterizations are always going to be iffy, since these characters aren't mine.
But, more than that, I'm glad that you enjoyed the fic - particularly the dialogue because that was more important and difficult for me than basically anything else. Not so much the voices, but just, writing conversations is really hard sometimes. A lot of the time. Most of the time. o_O
And I'm grateful for the comments, for realsies.

Also, Bryan Cranston, you dick. xD

[readishmael]

(First of all, my apologies to fakepoptart for doing this, because I know it's not standard and probably not appropriate for one reader to comment on another's feedback, but I kind of couldn't help myself; take it as a tribute to the complexity of what you put on the page.)

"But there feels like more of an inward regard for Jesse and for their dynamic than I would necessarily credit him with."

This is a really interesting point of disagreement for me, because one thing I loved about the story (and I kind of mentioned this) is how, in my interpretation, Walt is going through all the motions of being concerned about Jesse and wanting to do right by him, but all he's really doing is trying to reassure himself. He's more concerned with not being the bad guy and less with what Jesse actually wants or feels, and he misses so many obvious cues about how wrong the approach he's taking is, and what he does see he immediately rationalizes and justifies away. In other words, I don't disagree that a Walt who shows such regard for Jesse might be out of character; I disagree that Walt is herein actually demonstrating that regard. I think it's because there's no question in the fic of his attachment to Jesse that the way he manages to totally ignore Jesse's actual feelings while obsessing about his own imagining of what those feelings might be seems more innocuous and relatable and well-intentioned than his normal assholishness, but for me it's really the same totally selfish, exploitative, self-justifying behavior. Even in the end when he's prepared to acknowledge how wrong he's been, he lets Jesse absolve him of his need to apologize without doing it, and his primary concern is with how to protect himself from possibly not getting what he wants out of their future relationship.

And I think that's all very much how he is in the show. Even good, apparently self-sacrificing deeds have a self-interested motive (even if it's just the appeasement of his guilt or the protection of his conception of himself as someone better than he is; I've always thought that his attachment to Jesse is partially not about Jesse at all but about his ability to believe in himself as the guy who would protect and do right by someone vulnerable and dependent on him), and most shitty things he does, he does in part knowing that he's wrong and hating himself for it.

So, anyway, that's how I saw it.

And I share your excitement to see how the events of "Half Measures" and "Full Measure" change their dynamic. Their mutual devotion and caring is now out there on the table, and I really want to know where that leads. I think their first scene together is going to be intense.

[fakepoptart]

I totally don't mind, yo. I'm not sure what the standard protocal is for feedback2feedback stuff either so... call it 'discussion'. XD
As always I'm initially pleased more than anything that you think the story was worth more than a couple lines of consideration but I also really love your interpretation of it; particulary the end because that was basically the summation of the entire fic, with Walt sitting there letting Jesse apologize and think he screwed everything up.

Show-wise, in regards to the future of their dynamic, I still worry about Jesse's mental state after the Gale thing. The open displays of loyalty are positive to the relationship but Jesse has never responded well to death in the past and I really seriously hope nothing else incredibly bad happens. But hey, that means I might be watching the wrong show. Heh. I think I might have to freeze myself a la Eric Cartman until next July.

[squonkfan]

I definitely see a good amount of rationalization and self-soothing in there (as well as, as I said, generally assholish behavior) and this I completely agree is very Walt-like. But for me, not only does the nature of much of his introspection on the subject of Jesse and their relationship point to an unusually intense regard, but (and perhaps especially) the sheer amount of that introspection does, too. I don't feel like Walt would use up quite that much conscious brainpower exclusively for the purposes of trying to justify his actions--at this point in his fucked-up-ed-ness, that's something I see him doing more subconsciously, and probably much more smoothly. I also don't view him as consciously putting so many of his thoughts in terms related to Jesse's feelings--regardless of where his impressions of those feelings originate, or whether they're right. I just don't see it even occurring to him to that extent, in the context of self-justfication or otherwise. (The dreams I could get behind a bit more in that respect, since that's a more subconscious working through of things.)

It's not that I think Walt never thinks about Jesse's feelings, or that he never has any explicit musings on what the two of them are to each other. In canon we've seen direct evidence to contradict both of these notions. Actually, I think Walt has a great deal in the way of genuine paternal love for Jesse. But the dude just has this habit of corroding everything he touches with his own self-involved shit. From a slash-writing perspective, this to me is helpful. :) But it also means the characterization is a major balancing act, including the inner dialogue.

It may be that this boils down to my feeling like Walt may be better approached with a little more show, a little less tell in general. Not that what's done in this fic isn't an extremely thoughtful and interesting perspective, as you rightly suggest. Just that I have a different one, and it's fun to talk about. :) And I certainly have enjoyed reading this fic, over and over!

And I share your excitement to see how the events of "Half Measures" and "Full Measure" change their dynamic.

Yeah, those episodes have the potential to turn this entire discussion on its head anyway. If there were ever a moment to focus on their relationship in fanfic, I think it's this one: at least until we all get soundly jossed next summer, there are so many new directions to go in. *eyes her own fic warily* I just hope they don't wimp out on us and decide Jesse didn't shoot Gale just because some folks (including Vince's mother--but still!) mistook a bit of direction....

[readishmael]

I definitely see your point, and recognize the validity of the problem you're pointing out, but as it all comes down to a question about Walt's conscious thought processes to which we are not witness in the canon, I don't know that there's anymore room for discussion. Too bad.

"*eyes her own fic warily*"

You're working on something? That's awesome! Good luck!

[squonkfan]

Oh gosh, I feel like there's always endless room for speculation on how the outward workings we see in canon might translate into inner workings on the fic page (or just in general). I mean, not that we have to continue this particular discussion. :) But the larger genre feels awesomely limitless!

You're working on something? That's awesome! Good luck!

Oh man, thank you so much, seriously. I really, really appreciate the encouragement. Talk about hard and scary, and bars having been set, etc. Off to work on it now. Er, shortly. *procrastinates*