side-eye!
This is a thing that happened: One Night at Asssscat, or What to Do With a Date Rape Monologue
If you click through, do not so much bother with the comments. While they're a good deal less horrible than, say, the ones at HuffPo -- seriously a dude gets up and voluntarily admits to what amounts to rape and the two most recent comments are a) a dude being all "I wasn't offended! The rapey story was boring! And poorly told! And too long!" (THANK YOU YOUR CONTRIBUTION IS SO VALUABLE DUDE WE CAN ALL GO HOME NOW) and b) a person wishing rape on the rapist (UH NO BECAUSE RAPE? IS HORRIFIC. EVEN FOR RAPISTS.) EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES HUFFPO COMMENTERS -- there are still a lot of the things that will go on for fucking ever in discussions concerning sexual violence until the earth falls into the sun and is compressed into a singularity forever and ever amen:
One aspect of the Splitsider article really resonated with me though, in light of a recent experience of mine:
...let me just say that his story filled me with a creeping dread. There is something so surreal about watching someone reveal something dark about themselves with a seeming total lack of self awareness, and with utter glee.
A month or so ago I went on, like, five dates with this guy who totally dropped the bomb on me on our second date or something that he'd harassed an ex of his. And the whole "creeping dread" thing is pretty on point for me.
To my credit, after I'd managed to pick my jaw up off the floor I sort of stammered out, "Uh, did you, y'know, talk to someone about that?"
To my dismay, I went on THREE dates with him AFTER that. I am a lifelong feminist and fairly strong-minded and bossypants in my way but really: the hell? I couldn't say why exactly. Maybe because some friends had encouraged me initially and had been all "This Dude is a Good Dude" and I was reluctant to do something I felt went against that? Maybe because I still have some idea in my head that serves to subconsciously Other any Bad Dudes. Because in reality they are not lurking in dark alleys twirling their Snidely Whiplash mustaches in some suitably dastardly way, but, y'know I think there is a part of me, maybe a part of a lot of us, that really needs to think of them that way to make things more manageable and controllable. Like: you'll be okay! Just stay away from that mustache!
And, you know what, it wasn't only that. By the end of our third date I just did not want him touching me at all, like even on the hand or the elbow, in a way I've never really experienced before, with this full body sort of revulsion, and I have read The Gift of Fear, but still! I was like: Sarah, you have to have a Reason that is Parse-able and Justifiable for no longer seeing this person.
And then there was a gross conversation he participated in with two other dudes where gross comments about my body were made even though I told them to stop and I was like, "Aha! And also: gross."
But then he asked me out again so I was like: "Thanks but no thanks," and I sort of tried to explain to him why it is NOT COOL to make comments about parts of women's anatomies at the very fucking least while the woman is sitting right there having a conversation with you that is not concerning her anatomy. Like that is the least gross thing you can do.
And he apologized so that was good, right. I mean, still with the full body revulsion so I wasn't going on any further dates.
Then he sent me an email at midnight one night which I should not have read sitting alone in my darkened apartment where he retracted his apology. And that was when I finally realized that this dude? Is not a Good Dude. He does not communicate his desires, only holds them, and becomes angry when they are not fulfilled.
And really: even one instance of harassment. There is really no way to justify making another person feel unsafe. It is fundamentally fucked the hell up.
If you click through, do not so much bother with the comments. While they're a good deal less horrible than, say, the ones at HuffPo -- seriously a dude gets up and voluntarily admits to what amounts to rape and the two most recent comments are a) a dude being all "I wasn't offended! The rapey story was boring! And poorly told! And too long!" (THANK YOU YOUR CONTRIBUTION IS SO VALUABLE DUDE WE CAN ALL GO HOME NOW) and b) a person wishing rape on the rapist (UH NO BECAUSE RAPE? IS HORRIFIC. EVEN FOR RAPISTS.) EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES HUFFPO COMMENTERS -- there are still a lot of the things that will go on for fucking ever in discussions concerning sexual violence until the earth falls into the sun and is compressed into a singularity forever and ever amen:
- Maybe what happened didn't even happen! Despite the fact that this is actually HIS story and therefore skips the normal "wimmen be lyin' and totally make up stuff about being assaulted all the time for funsies" trope that gets trotted out.
- She was totally giving mixed signals! Despite the fact that he SAYS she told him to leave several times.
- He's most likely just socially awkward and this was actually some type of pity sex situation. Goddammit. No. Just, can we kill this idea right the fuck now? Also this idea continually erases the existence of socially awkward women. Like if you are saying that socially awkward dudes must ALWAYS stumble buffoonishly into these Three's Company-but-creepy types of misunderstandings why is there not a similar instance of this happening to socially awkward women? Maybe a) it DOES but is super underreported for some reason, b) no woman in the history of ever, no matter how socially awkward, has approached a man and been turned down, c) there is no such thing as a socially awkward woman. They are as like unto unicorns, you guys!
- My wife doesn't think this is a big deal and she can't understand why other people are upset by it. Uh, good for your wife I guess? At the next Meeting of All Women she should definitely put her name in for spokesperson! Probably she will be a shoo in with that can-do spirit. I will make sure to add it to the agenda accordingly.
One aspect of the Splitsider article really resonated with me though, in light of a recent experience of mine:
...let me just say that his story filled me with a creeping dread. There is something so surreal about watching someone reveal something dark about themselves with a seeming total lack of self awareness, and with utter glee.
A month or so ago I went on, like, five dates with this guy who totally dropped the bomb on me on our second date or something that he'd harassed an ex of his. And the whole "creeping dread" thing is pretty on point for me.
To my credit, after I'd managed to pick my jaw up off the floor I sort of stammered out, "Uh, did you, y'know, talk to someone about that?"
To my dismay, I went on THREE dates with him AFTER that. I am a lifelong feminist and fairly strong-minded and bossypants in my way but really: the hell? I couldn't say why exactly. Maybe because some friends had encouraged me initially and had been all "This Dude is a Good Dude" and I was reluctant to do something I felt went against that? Maybe because I still have some idea in my head that serves to subconsciously Other any Bad Dudes. Because in reality they are not lurking in dark alleys twirling their Snidely Whiplash mustaches in some suitably dastardly way, but, y'know I think there is a part of me, maybe a part of a lot of us, that really needs to think of them that way to make things more manageable and controllable. Like: you'll be okay! Just stay away from that mustache!
And, you know what, it wasn't only that. By the end of our third date I just did not want him touching me at all, like even on the hand or the elbow, in a way I've never really experienced before, with this full body sort of revulsion, and I have read The Gift of Fear, but still! I was like: Sarah, you have to have a Reason that is Parse-able and Justifiable for no longer seeing this person.
And then there was a gross conversation he participated in with two other dudes where gross comments about my body were made even though I told them to stop and I was like, "Aha! And also: gross."
But then he asked me out again so I was like: "Thanks but no thanks," and I sort of tried to explain to him why it is NOT COOL to make comments about parts of women's anatomies at the very fucking least while the woman is sitting right there having a conversation with you that is not concerning her anatomy. Like that is the least gross thing you can do.
And he apologized so that was good, right. I mean, still with the full body revulsion so I wasn't going on any further dates.
Then he sent me an email at midnight one night which I should not have read sitting alone in my darkened apartment where he retracted his apology. And that was when I finally realized that this dude? Is not a Good Dude. He does not communicate his desires, only holds them, and becomes angry when they are not fulfilled.
And really: even one instance of harassment. There is really no way to justify making another person feel unsafe. It is fundamentally fucked the hell up.