Good question. Actually, several women did NOT fall for this guy's spiel and left, more or less, as a direct result of it. Three of whom i have kept in contact with.
I'm also not entirely sure that it's of utmost importance to mention.
I'll say that I myself do NOT understand women and have often benefited from the advice of women about women -- "sisterly" advice, so to speak. Hence I believe that men are quicker to realize something fishy about a man. And women are quicker to realize something fishy about a woman. Hence women could be slower to realize that this is NOT how a man is supposed to act -- and the reverse is, of course, also true.
Is it fair to say that members of the opposite sex are often easier to manipulate? that's not sexist. that's niether downgrading towards men nor women.
I don't have a problem arguing with this guy or other guys. I can generally disagree and/or defend my comments without insults. But i do struggle with these women who think i'm being mean to this idiot. I'm far less inclined to "fight," so to speak, with a woman.
Two of the women are much older.
one is young and naive. (as i was at her age)
I imagine that i'm coming off as a bit neurotic. "hey, get a life, it's only an online forum." but i've met forum members in this country and overseas. Learned a great deal. It's been a considerable benefit to me on a personal level
And i'm not merely talking about having a bunch of online friends to replace real ones. I'm talking about going out and about meeting people in real life. And real life people being impressed with my knowledge (which i still feel is often lesser than those on this online forum)
have a good deal invested. and i decided that it was worth the effort.
No one in this comm will tell you to get a life, it's only the internet. Many (if not most) of us have had experience with someone who faked his death or lied about who he was. Relationships don't have to be face-to-face to be real; lies hurt as much online as they do in real life.
I think you've possibly misunderstood the purpose of this community. It's about investigating potential fakers. I've read your post and most of your comments, and I don't know what you're after. But if there are lawyers involved, as you've mentioned elsewhere, talk to a lawyer. How to address the issue with a group of women is probably less important than what's going on legally.
i've run a very large web board. if you're going to run a board, you have to accept three things: some people are going to be assholes, some people are going to be dumb, and you can't do a damned thing to change it. oh, and a fourth: no matter what you do, *someone* is going to hate you for it.
people create drama. the more they care about the community and the board, the more drama they will make. this does not make sense, but again you can't change it.
if you want to run a web board and stay sane, you have to detach you-the-mod from you-the-person-hanging-out, and you have to realize that even when you're just hanging out people are speaking to the Admin or a Mod. you're not one among equals anymore; you're the sheriff. you have to make fair decisions, and it's hard to do that when you're heavily invested in the outcome (you obviously are; it's clear that you find it quite distressing that people believed him).
when things like this happen (god knows any large board has fakers), all you can do is investigate it quietly. if there really is a problem, you have to handle it in a way that makes it really clear you've listened to everyone. no matter what you do someone is going to hate you, so you might as well wait to make decisions until you've gathered all of the evidence for and against that you can find.
you cannot make them less stupid. you cannot make them less deceptive. you cannot make them do anything. all you can do is set out clear, enforceable rules and then enforce them.
I just sent a private message to my fellow moderator telling him how much of a help he was in me keeping my sanity.
"people create drama. the more they care about the community and the board, the more drama they will make. this does not make sense, but again you can't change it.
if you want to run a web board and stay sane, you have to detach you-the-mod from you-the-person-hanging-out, and you have to realize that even when you're just hanging out people are speaking to the Admin or a Mod. you're not one among equals anymore; you're the sheriff. you have to make fair decisions, and it's hard to do that when you're heavily invested in the outcome (you obviously are; it's clear that you find it quite distressing that people believed him)."
I don't think that Sine took a long hard look at my little community before explaining to me how the problems happened. But she might as well have. Trememndously insightful.
No in that this this is going to be our magic fix. But rather this are important issues that i will need to think over and address with other members of our community.
And i'm sure i'll be copy pasting sine's words.
I used to get so frustrated with our community
"I am NOT the leader! i never implied that i am the leader!
I just delete spam and give out lost passwords!! I'm more like the forum's janitor!"
yeah, it's pretty much impossible to be a moderator without having power. trying to ignore that makes your job much harder.
i'm glad my post was helpful. i learned all that stuff during about 8 years of running a board with 10k+ users. it was horrible until i finally accepted my limitations. set up clear rules with clear consequences and when they are broken make those consequences happen. listen to everything your members tell you and then do what seems best for the board. be transparent -- if you have a restricted-access area for board staff, tell your moderators to be neutral when discussing problem users; the goal is to run it so that if a member somehow got access, they wouldn't be upset at how business was being conducted.
if it's a firly big board, read a lot of posts and look for the people who seem calm and sensible and don't get pulled into flame wars. recruit them for your staff and give each responsibility for a particular part of the board. give them clear guidelines about the extent of their authority and turn them loose. the more people you have running the board (within reason), the less people will focus the hate ray on you for unpopular decisions and the more seriously people will take it when you weigh in on something.
be gentle. don't call people out in public unless you've talked to them privately and they refuse to follow the rules. don't tolerate other people calling out fellow board members. remember that for most people, even if it's not a huge board, getting a note from a mod does not feel good. i was on another forum and didn't read the rules closely enough. when i did a wrong thing, a mod sent me a polite note saying "hey, not really allowed here" and even though it wasn't a big deal i was embarrassed and upset. if that has happened in public, i would have run away and never gone back.
don't intervene in any situation unless a rule has clearly been broken, a member has reported a problem, or you believe someone is in actual danger -- not the "she might have her heart broken" kind, the "this guy is a predator" kind.
i'll stop now, but if you have any questions or want any advice, feel free to message me. and stop being paternal about women; we can take care of ourselves just fine.
"i'm glad my post was helpful. i learned all that stuff during about 8 years of running a board with 10k+ users....i'll stop now, but if you have any questions or want any advice, feel free to message me"
Helpful? available for questons?
F**** that! I just made you moderator!! I need you to come in and fix this mess!!!! (1)
i have not made a single post on "my community" for 35 days.
i'm gonna just chill and think about al this for a bit.
EDIT TO ADD: I don't want to come back to my community pretending to be a leader. I need to step up OR back off and let someone else do it.
(1) this is a joke. I'm actually very speechless. as much as i respect and appreciate what "sine" is bringing here i do not wish to suggest that anyone has a majic wand. that someone can jump in time machine and correct my shortcomings from 6 years ago.
I'm also not entirely sure that it's of utmost importance to mention.
I'll say that I myself do NOT understand women and have often benefited from the advice of women about women -- "sisterly" advice, so to speak. Hence I believe that men are quicker to realize something fishy about a man. And women are quicker to realize something fishy about a woman. Hence women could be slower to realize that this is NOT how a man is supposed to act -- and the reverse is, of course, also true.
Is it fair to say that members of the opposite sex are often easier to manipulate? that's not sexist. that's niether downgrading towards men nor women.
I don't have a problem arguing with this guy or other guys. I can generally disagree and/or defend my comments without insults. But i do struggle with these women who think i'm being mean to this idiot. I'm far less inclined to "fight," so to speak, with a woman.
Two of the women are much older.
one is young and naive. (as i was at her age)
I imagine that i'm coming off as a bit neurotic. "hey, get a life, it's only an online forum." but i've met forum members in this country and overseas. Learned a great deal. It's been a considerable benefit to me on a personal level
And i'm not merely talking about having a bunch of online friends to replace real ones. I'm talking about going out and about meeting people in real life. And real life people being impressed with my knowledge (which i still feel is often lesser than those on this online forum)
have a good deal invested. and i decided that it was worth the effort.
Reply
I think you've possibly misunderstood the purpose of this community. It's about investigating potential fakers. I've read your post and most of your comments, and I don't know what you're after. But if there are lawyers involved, as you've mentioned elsewhere, talk to a lawyer. How to address the issue with a group of women is probably less important than what's going on legally.
Reply
people create drama. the more they care about the community and the board, the more drama they will make. this does not make sense, but again you can't change it.
if you want to run a web board and stay sane, you have to detach you-the-mod from you-the-person-hanging-out, and you have to realize that even when you're just hanging out people are speaking to the Admin or a Mod. you're not one among equals anymore; you're the sheriff. you have to make fair decisions, and it's hard to do that when you're heavily invested in the outcome (you obviously are; it's clear that you find it quite distressing that people believed him).
when things like this happen (god knows any large board has fakers), all you can do is investigate it quietly. if there really is a problem, you have to handle it in a way that makes it really clear you've listened to everyone. no matter what you do someone is going to hate you, so you might as well wait to make decisions until you've gathered all of the evidence for and against that you can find.
you cannot make them less stupid. you cannot make them less deceptive. you cannot make them do anything. all you can do is set out clear, enforceable rules and then enforce them.
Reply
"if you want to run a web board and stay sane, "
Wow!
I just sent a private message to my fellow moderator telling him how much of a help he was in me keeping my sanity.
"people create drama. the more they care about the community and the board, the more drama they will make. this does not make sense, but again you can't change it.
if you want to run a web board and stay sane, you have to detach you-the-mod from you-the-person-hanging-out, and you have to realize that even when you're just hanging out people are speaking to the Admin or a Mod. you're not one among equals anymore; you're the sheriff. you have to make fair decisions, and it's hard to do that when you're heavily invested in the outcome (you obviously are; it's clear that you find it quite distressing that people believed him)."
I don't think that Sine took a long hard look at my little community before explaining to me how the problems happened. But she might as well have. Trememndously insightful.
No in that this this is going to be our magic fix. But rather this are important issues that i will need to think over and address with other members of our community.
And i'm sure i'll be copy pasting sine's words.
I used to get so frustrated with our community
"I am NOT the leader! i never implied that i am the leader!
I just delete spam and give out lost passwords!! I'm more like the forum's janitor!"
but i see how my arguments wouldn't always hold.
regards
TA
Reply
i'm glad my post was helpful. i learned all that stuff during about 8 years of running a board with 10k+ users. it was horrible until i finally accepted my limitations. set up clear rules with clear consequences and when they are broken make those consequences happen. listen to everything your members tell you and then do what seems best for the board. be transparent -- if you have a restricted-access area for board staff, tell your moderators to be neutral when discussing problem users; the goal is to run it so that if a member somehow got access, they wouldn't be upset at how business was being conducted.
if it's a firly big board, read a lot of posts and look for the people who seem calm and sensible and don't get pulled into flame wars. recruit them for your staff and give each responsibility for a particular part of the board. give them clear guidelines about the extent of their authority and turn them loose. the more people you have running the board (within reason), the less people will focus the hate ray on you for unpopular decisions and the more seriously people will take it when you weigh in on something.
be gentle. don't call people out in public unless you've talked to them privately and they refuse to follow the rules. don't tolerate other people calling out fellow board members. remember that for most people, even if it's not a huge board, getting a note from a mod does not feel good. i was on another forum and didn't read the rules closely enough. when i did a wrong thing, a mod sent me a polite note saying "hey, not really allowed here" and even though it wasn't a big deal i was embarrassed and upset. if that has happened in public, i would have run away and never gone back.
don't intervene in any situation unless a rule has clearly been broken, a member has reported a problem, or you believe someone is in actual danger -- not the "she might have her heart broken" kind, the "this guy is a predator" kind.
i'll stop now, but if you have any questions or want any advice, feel free to message me. and stop being paternal about women; we can take care of ourselves just fine.
Reply
Helpful? available for questons?
F**** that! I just made you moderator!! I need you to come in and fix this mess!!!! (1)
i have not made a single post on "my community" for 35 days.
i'm gonna just chill and think about al this for a bit.
EDIT TO ADD: I don't want to come back to my community pretending to be a leader. I need to step up OR back off and let someone else do it.
(1) this is a joke. I'm actually very speechless. as much as i respect and appreciate what "sine" is bringing here i do not wish to suggest that anyone has a majic wand. that someone can jump in time machine and correct my shortcomings from 6 years ago.
Reply
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