Fic - All I Ever Wanted
Title: All I Ever Wanted
Rating: G
Caution: Spoilers for Celes and partially beginning of Nihon; 2nd person POV
Summary: Fai is free at last and can achieve his happiness; however Kurogane's condition prevents him from embracing it. And so on a fateful night, he meets a familiar face in his dreams that just may prove to help him cope with his fears, pains - and even - hope.
Author's Notes: Written for a friend's birthday. I tackled two things I always wanted to explore here. One is how Fai coped with everything that happened in Celes, including Kurogane's sacrifice for him. The other is him having a spiritual reunion with his brother.
xXx
His true memories and wishes have been set free at last.
He had died once, but this time he may finally die in peace in the arms of the soulless princess.
You reach out for him, but the wounded man grabs your wrist. “Let him rest! he says bluntly.
“I can’t,” you utter, even though you know he means well. “Because of me, I couldn’t let him rest in peace.”
“Please,” you whisper as tears fall down your cheeks, “please forgive me, Fai.”
“Please have some rest.”
You do not even have to turn around to know that it is the princess who is urging you to sleep. Instead, you remain standing on the cool, wooden floor, staring at the closed doors of the infirmary where Kurogane is still being treated, being awaited to wake up. Not a lot of time has passed since you and everyone else have arrived in the warrior’s homeland, and yet you cannot help but feel scared that he may not make it.
“I can’t,” you say.
“Kurogane will live,” Tomoyo-hime reassures you, stepping closer and placing a hand on your arm in comfort. “He wanted you to live as much as he wants to live.”
And you know that her words have truth in them as much as how Kurogane’s words would always have honesty in them. And you want to believe them because it means Kurogane will live, and for once, just once, you may have found that happiness you always wanted but thought you never could earn. But Ashura-ou and Fai’s deaths still linger on your mind for it occurred not so long ago. And so even though you want to hope that Kurogane will not follow their fates, you cannot help but wonder and be afraid.
You want to tell her, “I’m scared”, but at the same time you hesitate to let her know. So instead you say a brief “thank you” and hope she will honor your silent wish to remain alone. But the princess does not leave and instead looks at you in equal solemnity.
“You’re exhausted,” she says. “He would not want you to lose sleep just for his sake. So for you, and for Kurogane, have some rest.”
She clasps her hands together and bows her head in silence, and you know she is summoning a miko spell of some sort. You just stand there, watching her carefully. When she finishes channeling and opens her eyes, she releases a charm that lands on your forehead. You are surprised, running a hand over it, and before you can even string together a question, she speaks.
“So that you may have a peaceful sleep, if not the very least, a peaceful dream,” she explains. And you know she cast a charm like that for you so you will not encounter any nightmares, any wicked thoughts when (if) you choose to sleep. But because she had just gone through the effort of ensuring you will get some rest, you know that you cannot back away from her request. So you murmur your thanks once again and ask her to escort you to your guest chamber. She smiles and is glad to tend to your needs. Once you enter it, you bow and bid her a good night and she leaves you alone at last.
The futon is already laid over the tatami mats and you walk over to it, first resting on your knees before your body caves in and fall unceremoniously over the entirety of it. Yet you refuse to shut your eye just yet because so many things are still running over your head. Ashura-ou revealing your past to everyone. A dangerous battle that could have spelt the death for everyone. Ashura-ou’s death. Seeing Fai’s true memory and finally letting him rest in peace (even though you still feel horrible for delaying it for so long). Celes getting destroyed at the hands of your curse. And then…Kurogane…
No, don’t think about that, you insist. But you cannot fight it because it all comes back to you: the shock and numbing pain and everything as you saw him passing out just right after he managed to pull you out of the trap and into the familiarity of Mokona’s magic as she whisks you all away before Celes collapsed. Out of everything that had happened in that world, seeing, knowing Kurogane risking his own life for you hurts the most.
For once, you don’t want to hide how you feel - you want to speak to someone about your pains, your fears and everything. And you automatically know who it is you wish to see. But it is impossible, nearly impossible. You don’t even know why, you don’t even know or think it will ever happen, but all you want is to see Fai again, to speak to him. Not necessarily see him alive, because you know that can never happen and you accept that by now. But even so, your brother was your first support system and you will (maybe) do anything to have that again; somehow, anyhow. Maybe you are foolish, an idiot to hope for that. But even so…
“Fai, I’m scared.”
At last you manage to speak aloud your fears for the first time since you left Celes forever behind and before you know it, your throat tightens and you heave out dry sobs. Your fists clench the futon you’re lying on so you will not move as much and yet you keep crying softly into it. All of a sudden you faintly remember a conversation in Hanshin when Kurogane declared that crying’s a sign of weakness and you cannot help but laugh at that; but then you remember he’s still unconscious in the infirmary right at the moment and so you start crying again. He better understand that you are crying for the things he did to save you and so you let yourself scarcely believe that he will wake up so that you can let him know how scared you are for what he had done for you. But for now it’s still a lot to handle and so you keep weeping until you feel sleep exerting over you…
Falling is something you do not like, but unfortunately it has been describing your life for as long as you can remember. But right now, you are falling and falling slowly down an abyss, feet first.
And yet, you do not panic, because the wind tells you that it is alright, and so you trust it. Before you know it, you land safely on something soft, most likely snow. Everything around you is either gray or white, but high above from where you fell from it is simply a vast of blue sky. You see nothing in any direction, but you hear the wind howling. It tells you to move forward and so you do. One step leads to two steps and soon enough it becomes a trek that lasts for perhaps a mile or so. At last something, or somebody, catches your eyes - and the wind once again tells you it is alright to approach it, and so you do as it says. When you finally get a better look, you are taken aback.
This person looks just like you, but the only exception is that he has both eyes intact while you still only have your right one. Perhaps it is only a mirage, a simple mirror image of you, in this dream, you think, because it cannot be…you never have seen him aging next to you whenever you see him in your dreams - or more frequently, nightmares. He was always a child, and you were never able to hear him speak at all whenever he shows up in them. Maybe, just maybe…
“Are you…me?” you ask the other.
He shakes his head.
“Can you speak?” He nods.
Then say something!
Yet he has seem to read your mind, or at least understand you through your body language (just like someone else you know quite well), because he opens his mouth and says,
“Yuui.”
You gasp and you don’t know how to feel. It isn’t so much because you still choose to not go by your true name anymore as much as that only one person other than Ashura-ou has called you by that before. So it can only mean…
“Fai?”
And you wait - wait for the other to respond, holding your breath, because if he is Fai then at last you can speak to him again. But if not-
“Yes.”
Your lungs exhale but your chest is still heavy from all of these implications. Deep down you already know it is Fai standing right in front of you before he even spoke. But still, even though you know this is just a dream (right?) you cannot fathom how Fai looks as old as you are when you have never seen him in this age previously, and how he can finally speak. So for now, the only thing you and he can do is talk, and you hope that you can finally sort out the heavy burdens you have been waiting to lift off.
“But how- are you?”
“Around your age?” Fai finishes. There is a somber smile on his face. “Even though I passed away a very long time ago, I can still age in the after realm.”
“So you’ve grown because I have aged?”
Fai shrugs his shoulders. “It makes perfect sense. But more precisely, it’s because for a long time, up till now, I was watching over you ever since I left.”
Watch you over all this time? But that can only mean…
“So then…you’ve…seen ev-every-thing.” You start trembling, from the realization, shock and horror that Fai had been forced to, in a way, live through everything you had to go through. “I - am so sorry. I - I didn’t mean to…to…I’d never wanted to - have you go through this with me.”
“Yuui, no…” Fai comes closer and holds you, and you let him, even though you’re shaking, afraid he is angry at you. He does not say more until you manage to calm down for a bit, at least for now, just to hear what he has to say next.
“Your pain is my pain,” he resumes, and just for a moment, you are reminded of what the dimensional witch have told you solemnly after you woke up in that dreadful, post-apocalyptic world. And for a moment, you let yourself believe in his words, because after all you and Fai have experienced the same miseries, the same accusations in Valeria. But still, you had no intention of letting him sharing the equally, perhaps, even more brutal realities you have had encountered over all those years beyond his death.
“Pain, or no pain, I’m still your brother,” he says. He clutches you closer and you lean your head against him so that you are resting just underneath his chin, taking in his words.
“So I’m not angry at you for what you have decided to do long ago in that valley. I was hurt that for a long time you couldn’t be free…and maybe that was why I couldn’t rest so soon. Don’t!” he warns, as you are about to protest. “Don’t blame yourself. We were only children, Yuui. We were too young. I had hoped you wouldn’t face any more hardships, but…”
You can feel the sudden tension in his chest, rising and falling, and then you realize Fai is violently trembling, crying even. He goes on like that for a bit longer until he is able to regain his composure.
“You suffered even more, suffered more than you ever deserved. And I’m so sorry, Yuui. You were the one who had to live through it all, and, don’t argue against me, I think it’s worse than watching over - even though it was painful as well, because I couldn’t do anything.
“But now that you are finally free, I can come back to you in this shape in your dreams and speak. And I was able to hear you call for me before you fell asleep. So I answered.”
“Fai…” you say. He heard you. Even though you had just believed your wish to be foolish before you had fallen asleep in Nihon, he had heard you.
It all hits you now. It isn’t simply a matter of him forgiving or not forgiving you for your decision a long time ago. Fai, your brother, your twin brother who was locked away in the tower and had died because you thought you chose to kill him when, all along, he chose to give his life for yours, is here, here holding you and letting you know that he is still your brother and wants you to talk to him, because that’s what someone offers when he loves you. And for once that sense of comfort you had yearned for so long has come to you at last, because you know neither of you can hurt the other anymore.
“It’s alright,” he says, naturally understanding how overwhelmed you are feeling. “I’m here.”
So you press your head in his chest and say those same words again.
“Fai, I’m scared.” And just like when you utter those words before you fell asleep, you are overcome with pain and grief that you are crying so hard, choking on your tears that you cannot simply keep on speaking for the moment.
He pats your back in consolation. “Is this about that man…Kurogane, is that his name?” he asks, and you are grateful that he instantly knows the real source of your anguish.
“Yes,” you automatically say. “I so much as guessed that he wanted me to li-live and all, and I want to accept that. But I can’t. Not yet. Not when he could be dying and all because he wanted to save me. I don’t want another person to die for me, and you probably know that, Fai. First you, then Ashura-ou…may-maybe I am slowly accepting that I shouldn’t feel horrible for you two’s sacrifices and for all you did for my sake, I don’t know. It’s just…I don’t think I can bear it anymore if he follows you too. I don’t know what hurts more.”
“They both hurt equally,” Fai says, and of course he is right.
“Bu-but it’s different. With him, I mean. But why though?”
“I think you already know that answer,” he says calmly.
“Because.” And you now realize that you have known this, known this ever since you landed in Nihon and was left to grapple with Kurogane’s sacrifice, but at that time you were too shocked to admit it, so now you can.
“Because he makes me happy.” He’s my happiness.
“And that’s why you’re scared,” Fai says. “Deep down, you always wanted happiness, even though it evaded you for a long time. You found it, Yuui, even more so, a person that makes you happy, and I couldn’t be even happier for you.”
Yet even so, you think as you shut your eye and hold on tighter to Fai, it may mean he could die for your sake. “But if he dies, then, then-”
“He won’t, Yuui, he won’t,” Fai insists. “I’ve seen how he saved your life before and I’ve seen how unwavering he can be. He’s definitely strong and determined. Even I can see that. He will not die because of that. Kurogane had been offered the choice to live, and that’s what makes him different from me and your king. He chose that, so he will live. I know you know this, but you truly mean a lot to him as well.”
You stop crying for a bit to let those all sink in, because he is right about Kurogane’s determination to save your life more than once. Just like how he had asked the witch to save your life in Tokyo and thus surrendered his own free will to become your prey for perhaps forever, he had unnervingly cut off his arm to save you again - despite how hard you had tried to become distant from him. So he never gave up on you. But even so, his ways have caused you so much fear that you cannot simply let him get away with that.
“Yuui?” Fai is waiting for you to hear you again, because you are silent for too long. You open your eye to let him know you are still present.
“He,” you find yourself laughing and crying at the same time, “is an idiot for doing that to me. To all of us. So I’ll make sure to let him know that.”
Fai smirks. “Yes, you do that. Though don’t confuse the poor man.”
You laugh. “Because he may think I haven’t forgiven him?”
“So you’re saying you do forgive him,” Fai says with an all-knowing look.
“I do,” you affirm.
And then you start crying again.
“Because he - he …gave me hope and-and another chance, even after all the ways I treated him so horribly. So I want to - I want to do the same for him.” And you feel all the aches and tension being lifted off of your chest.
“Fai.” For the first time, you are smiling, smiling because you want to, smiling because you actually believe that you deserve a new chance for you to live and to be happy. “I want to start over. With Kuro-sama.”
Kuro-sama, you call him, not Kurogane like you had for a while, because you want nothing more than to address him like that because you are willing, wanting to be and feel so close to him.
Your brother returns the same smile, happiness twinkling in his eyes. “It’s all I ever wanted for you,” he says, holding you closer. “I couldn’t have asked for a better person for you.”
You let yourself bask in your newfound strength and the comfort and presence of your beloved brother. But soon, a spot of light shines from the sky and before you both know it, it grows until it blinds the space between you and Fai.
“I have to get going,” he says with a smile, although there is sadness in his eyes.
You know that this is inevitable, and you are prepared for it at the same time you are not, so you struggle to find your voice until you can only say, “Where?”
“To a place where someone like me belongs,” he answers. “Although I’ll be in good hands like you always wanted.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
“No,” and your heart sinks. “But as always, in your heart and your memories, yes.”
You struggle to swallow the lump rising in your throat, but you know his words are true and so you take them to heart. But at the very least, he was able to see you before he finally moves past the connection between those alive and those deceased. So you take comfort in that and lean your forehead against his.
“Thank you, Fai,” you whisper. “For everything.”
He nods, and soon the world in your dream is unraveling with the blinding light separating you from him.
“Wait!” you call out before you can no longer see or even talk to him. “Is this more than a dream?”
“I believe,” and you can hear his voice fading away, “that the charm given to you was more than for a pleasant dream.”
So she knew what you needed and you cannot be more grateful for everything she has done for you. “I understand,” you call out to him, “I guess it means…
“Farewell, Fai,” both of you say at once, and you are stunned. Fai, he called you, not Yuui.
And as you leave your dream to wake up soon, you know deep down he called you his name too because of your decision to be reborn in spirit and keep the name you had adopted for so long.
The next morning you ask to speak with Tomoyo-hime privately and so you tell her about your dream the previous evening, letting her know of your new resolution to live and start over. She then tells you that Kurogane’s health is dramatically improving and that perhaps he will wake up later today. You ask her again if what she has just said is true and she happily confirms it for you. Just as you had told Fai in your meeting last night, you politely request her for something.
“When he wakes up, I would very much like to talk to him alone,” you request. You cannot help but be happy, yet terrified of what will come when you see him, even speak to him.
She smiles. “I understand, Fai-san. Kurogane will want to see you in private as well, I am sure of it.”
And because the princess is so delighted in the outcome of your resolution and Kurogane’s health, she presents to you a special clothing to change into. Tomoyo-hime informs you that it is very special and is the best way to present yourself when you greet Kurogane.
No matter what happens, you feel more assured. For you, for Kurogane, and for everything that will happen starting today, for you know it is all that you ever wanted.
Rating: G
Caution: Spoilers for Celes and partially beginning of Nihon; 2nd person POV
Summary: Fai is free at last and can achieve his happiness; however Kurogane's condition prevents him from embracing it. And so on a fateful night, he meets a familiar face in his dreams that just may prove to help him cope with his fears, pains - and even - hope.
Author's Notes: Written for a friend's birthday. I tackled two things I always wanted to explore here. One is how Fai coped with everything that happened in Celes, including Kurogane's sacrifice for him. The other is him having a spiritual reunion with his brother.
xXx
His true memories and wishes have been set free at last.
He had died once, but this time he may finally die in peace in the arms of the soulless princess.
You reach out for him, but the wounded man grabs your wrist. “Let him rest! he says bluntly.
“I can’t,” you utter, even though you know he means well. “Because of me, I couldn’t let him rest in peace.”
“Please,” you whisper as tears fall down your cheeks, “please forgive me, Fai.”
“Please have some rest.”
You do not even have to turn around to know that it is the princess who is urging you to sleep. Instead, you remain standing on the cool, wooden floor, staring at the closed doors of the infirmary where Kurogane is still being treated, being awaited to wake up. Not a lot of time has passed since you and everyone else have arrived in the warrior’s homeland, and yet you cannot help but feel scared that he may not make it.
“I can’t,” you say.
“Kurogane will live,” Tomoyo-hime reassures you, stepping closer and placing a hand on your arm in comfort. “He wanted you to live as much as he wants to live.”
And you know that her words have truth in them as much as how Kurogane’s words would always have honesty in them. And you want to believe them because it means Kurogane will live, and for once, just once, you may have found that happiness you always wanted but thought you never could earn. But Ashura-ou and Fai’s deaths still linger on your mind for it occurred not so long ago. And so even though you want to hope that Kurogane will not follow their fates, you cannot help but wonder and be afraid.
You want to tell her, “I’m scared”, but at the same time you hesitate to let her know. So instead you say a brief “thank you” and hope she will honor your silent wish to remain alone. But the princess does not leave and instead looks at you in equal solemnity.
“You’re exhausted,” she says. “He would not want you to lose sleep just for his sake. So for you, and for Kurogane, have some rest.”
She clasps her hands together and bows her head in silence, and you know she is summoning a miko spell of some sort. You just stand there, watching her carefully. When she finishes channeling and opens her eyes, she releases a charm that lands on your forehead. You are surprised, running a hand over it, and before you can even string together a question, she speaks.
“So that you may have a peaceful sleep, if not the very least, a peaceful dream,” she explains. And you know she cast a charm like that for you so you will not encounter any nightmares, any wicked thoughts when (if) you choose to sleep. But because she had just gone through the effort of ensuring you will get some rest, you know that you cannot back away from her request. So you murmur your thanks once again and ask her to escort you to your guest chamber. She smiles and is glad to tend to your needs. Once you enter it, you bow and bid her a good night and she leaves you alone at last.
The futon is already laid over the tatami mats and you walk over to it, first resting on your knees before your body caves in and fall unceremoniously over the entirety of it. Yet you refuse to shut your eye just yet because so many things are still running over your head. Ashura-ou revealing your past to everyone. A dangerous battle that could have spelt the death for everyone. Ashura-ou’s death. Seeing Fai’s true memory and finally letting him rest in peace (even though you still feel horrible for delaying it for so long). Celes getting destroyed at the hands of your curse. And then…Kurogane…
No, don’t think about that, you insist. But you cannot fight it because it all comes back to you: the shock and numbing pain and everything as you saw him passing out just right after he managed to pull you out of the trap and into the familiarity of Mokona’s magic as she whisks you all away before Celes collapsed. Out of everything that had happened in that world, seeing, knowing Kurogane risking his own life for you hurts the most.
For once, you don’t want to hide how you feel - you want to speak to someone about your pains, your fears and everything. And you automatically know who it is you wish to see. But it is impossible, nearly impossible. You don’t even know why, you don’t even know or think it will ever happen, but all you want is to see Fai again, to speak to him. Not necessarily see him alive, because you know that can never happen and you accept that by now. But even so, your brother was your first support system and you will (maybe) do anything to have that again; somehow, anyhow. Maybe you are foolish, an idiot to hope for that. But even so…
“Fai, I’m scared.”
At last you manage to speak aloud your fears for the first time since you left Celes forever behind and before you know it, your throat tightens and you heave out dry sobs. Your fists clench the futon you’re lying on so you will not move as much and yet you keep crying softly into it. All of a sudden you faintly remember a conversation in Hanshin when Kurogane declared that crying’s a sign of weakness and you cannot help but laugh at that; but then you remember he’s still unconscious in the infirmary right at the moment and so you start crying again. He better understand that you are crying for the things he did to save you and so you let yourself scarcely believe that he will wake up so that you can let him know how scared you are for what he had done for you. But for now it’s still a lot to handle and so you keep weeping until you feel sleep exerting over you…
Falling is something you do not like, but unfortunately it has been describing your life for as long as you can remember. But right now, you are falling and falling slowly down an abyss, feet first.
And yet, you do not panic, because the wind tells you that it is alright, and so you trust it. Before you know it, you land safely on something soft, most likely snow. Everything around you is either gray or white, but high above from where you fell from it is simply a vast of blue sky. You see nothing in any direction, but you hear the wind howling. It tells you to move forward and so you do. One step leads to two steps and soon enough it becomes a trek that lasts for perhaps a mile or so. At last something, or somebody, catches your eyes - and the wind once again tells you it is alright to approach it, and so you do as it says. When you finally get a better look, you are taken aback.
This person looks just like you, but the only exception is that he has both eyes intact while you still only have your right one. Perhaps it is only a mirage, a simple mirror image of you, in this dream, you think, because it cannot be…you never have seen him aging next to you whenever you see him in your dreams - or more frequently, nightmares. He was always a child, and you were never able to hear him speak at all whenever he shows up in them. Maybe, just maybe…
“Are you…me?” you ask the other.
He shakes his head.
“Can you speak?” He nods.
Then say something!
Yet he has seem to read your mind, or at least understand you through your body language (just like someone else you know quite well), because he opens his mouth and says,
“Yuui.”
You gasp and you don’t know how to feel. It isn’t so much because you still choose to not go by your true name anymore as much as that only one person other than Ashura-ou has called you by that before. So it can only mean…
“Fai?”
And you wait - wait for the other to respond, holding your breath, because if he is Fai then at last you can speak to him again. But if not-
“Yes.”
Your lungs exhale but your chest is still heavy from all of these implications. Deep down you already know it is Fai standing right in front of you before he even spoke. But still, even though you know this is just a dream (right?) you cannot fathom how Fai looks as old as you are when you have never seen him in this age previously, and how he can finally speak. So for now, the only thing you and he can do is talk, and you hope that you can finally sort out the heavy burdens you have been waiting to lift off.
“But how- are you?”
“Around your age?” Fai finishes. There is a somber smile on his face. “Even though I passed away a very long time ago, I can still age in the after realm.”
“So you’ve grown because I have aged?”
Fai shrugs his shoulders. “It makes perfect sense. But more precisely, it’s because for a long time, up till now, I was watching over you ever since I left.”
Watch you over all this time? But that can only mean…
“So then…you’ve…seen ev-every-thing.” You start trembling, from the realization, shock and horror that Fai had been forced to, in a way, live through everything you had to go through. “I - am so sorry. I - I didn’t mean to…to…I’d never wanted to - have you go through this with me.”
“Yuui, no…” Fai comes closer and holds you, and you let him, even though you’re shaking, afraid he is angry at you. He does not say more until you manage to calm down for a bit, at least for now, just to hear what he has to say next.
“Your pain is my pain,” he resumes, and just for a moment, you are reminded of what the dimensional witch have told you solemnly after you woke up in that dreadful, post-apocalyptic world. And for a moment, you let yourself believe in his words, because after all you and Fai have experienced the same miseries, the same accusations in Valeria. But still, you had no intention of letting him sharing the equally, perhaps, even more brutal realities you have had encountered over all those years beyond his death.
“Pain, or no pain, I’m still your brother,” he says. He clutches you closer and you lean your head against him so that you are resting just underneath his chin, taking in his words.
“So I’m not angry at you for what you have decided to do long ago in that valley. I was hurt that for a long time you couldn’t be free…and maybe that was why I couldn’t rest so soon. Don’t!” he warns, as you are about to protest. “Don’t blame yourself. We were only children, Yuui. We were too young. I had hoped you wouldn’t face any more hardships, but…”
You can feel the sudden tension in his chest, rising and falling, and then you realize Fai is violently trembling, crying even. He goes on like that for a bit longer until he is able to regain his composure.
“You suffered even more, suffered more than you ever deserved. And I’m so sorry, Yuui. You were the one who had to live through it all, and, don’t argue against me, I think it’s worse than watching over - even though it was painful as well, because I couldn’t do anything.
“But now that you are finally free, I can come back to you in this shape in your dreams and speak. And I was able to hear you call for me before you fell asleep. So I answered.”
“Fai…” you say. He heard you. Even though you had just believed your wish to be foolish before you had fallen asleep in Nihon, he had heard you.
It all hits you now. It isn’t simply a matter of him forgiving or not forgiving you for your decision a long time ago. Fai, your brother, your twin brother who was locked away in the tower and had died because you thought you chose to kill him when, all along, he chose to give his life for yours, is here, here holding you and letting you know that he is still your brother and wants you to talk to him, because that’s what someone offers when he loves you. And for once that sense of comfort you had yearned for so long has come to you at last, because you know neither of you can hurt the other anymore.
“It’s alright,” he says, naturally understanding how overwhelmed you are feeling. “I’m here.”
So you press your head in his chest and say those same words again.
“Fai, I’m scared.” And just like when you utter those words before you fell asleep, you are overcome with pain and grief that you are crying so hard, choking on your tears that you cannot simply keep on speaking for the moment.
He pats your back in consolation. “Is this about that man…Kurogane, is that his name?” he asks, and you are grateful that he instantly knows the real source of your anguish.
“Yes,” you automatically say. “I so much as guessed that he wanted me to li-live and all, and I want to accept that. But I can’t. Not yet. Not when he could be dying and all because he wanted to save me. I don’t want another person to die for me, and you probably know that, Fai. First you, then Ashura-ou…may-maybe I am slowly accepting that I shouldn’t feel horrible for you two’s sacrifices and for all you did for my sake, I don’t know. It’s just…I don’t think I can bear it anymore if he follows you too. I don’t know what hurts more.”
“They both hurt equally,” Fai says, and of course he is right.
“Bu-but it’s different. With him, I mean. But why though?”
“I think you already know that answer,” he says calmly.
“Because.” And you now realize that you have known this, known this ever since you landed in Nihon and was left to grapple with Kurogane’s sacrifice, but at that time you were too shocked to admit it, so now you can.
“Because he makes me happy.” He’s my happiness.
“And that’s why you’re scared,” Fai says. “Deep down, you always wanted happiness, even though it evaded you for a long time. You found it, Yuui, even more so, a person that makes you happy, and I couldn’t be even happier for you.”
Yet even so, you think as you shut your eye and hold on tighter to Fai, it may mean he could die for your sake. “But if he dies, then, then-”
“He won’t, Yuui, he won’t,” Fai insists. “I’ve seen how he saved your life before and I’ve seen how unwavering he can be. He’s definitely strong and determined. Even I can see that. He will not die because of that. Kurogane had been offered the choice to live, and that’s what makes him different from me and your king. He chose that, so he will live. I know you know this, but you truly mean a lot to him as well.”
You stop crying for a bit to let those all sink in, because he is right about Kurogane’s determination to save your life more than once. Just like how he had asked the witch to save your life in Tokyo and thus surrendered his own free will to become your prey for perhaps forever, he had unnervingly cut off his arm to save you again - despite how hard you had tried to become distant from him. So he never gave up on you. But even so, his ways have caused you so much fear that you cannot simply let him get away with that.
“Yuui?” Fai is waiting for you to hear you again, because you are silent for too long. You open your eye to let him know you are still present.
“He,” you find yourself laughing and crying at the same time, “is an idiot for doing that to me. To all of us. So I’ll make sure to let him know that.”
Fai smirks. “Yes, you do that. Though don’t confuse the poor man.”
You laugh. “Because he may think I haven’t forgiven him?”
“So you’re saying you do forgive him,” Fai says with an all-knowing look.
“I do,” you affirm.
And then you start crying again.
“Because he - he …gave me hope and-and another chance, even after all the ways I treated him so horribly. So I want to - I want to do the same for him.” And you feel all the aches and tension being lifted off of your chest.
“Fai.” For the first time, you are smiling, smiling because you want to, smiling because you actually believe that you deserve a new chance for you to live and to be happy. “I want to start over. With Kuro-sama.”
Kuro-sama, you call him, not Kurogane like you had for a while, because you want nothing more than to address him like that because you are willing, wanting to be and feel so close to him.
Your brother returns the same smile, happiness twinkling in his eyes. “It’s all I ever wanted for you,” he says, holding you closer. “I couldn’t have asked for a better person for you.”
You let yourself bask in your newfound strength and the comfort and presence of your beloved brother. But soon, a spot of light shines from the sky and before you both know it, it grows until it blinds the space between you and Fai.
“I have to get going,” he says with a smile, although there is sadness in his eyes.
You know that this is inevitable, and you are prepared for it at the same time you are not, so you struggle to find your voice until you can only say, “Where?”
“To a place where someone like me belongs,” he answers. “Although I’ll be in good hands like you always wanted.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
“No,” and your heart sinks. “But as always, in your heart and your memories, yes.”
You struggle to swallow the lump rising in your throat, but you know his words are true and so you take them to heart. But at the very least, he was able to see you before he finally moves past the connection between those alive and those deceased. So you take comfort in that and lean your forehead against his.
“Thank you, Fai,” you whisper. “For everything.”
He nods, and soon the world in your dream is unraveling with the blinding light separating you from him.
“Wait!” you call out before you can no longer see or even talk to him. “Is this more than a dream?”
“I believe,” and you can hear his voice fading away, “that the charm given to you was more than for a pleasant dream.”
So she knew what you needed and you cannot be more grateful for everything she has done for you. “I understand,” you call out to him, “I guess it means…
“Farewell, Fai,” both of you say at once, and you are stunned. Fai, he called you, not Yuui.
And as you leave your dream to wake up soon, you know deep down he called you his name too because of your decision to be reborn in spirit and keep the name you had adopted for so long.
The next morning you ask to speak with Tomoyo-hime privately and so you tell her about your dream the previous evening, letting her know of your new resolution to live and start over. She then tells you that Kurogane’s health is dramatically improving and that perhaps he will wake up later today. You ask her again if what she has just said is true and she happily confirms it for you. Just as you had told Fai in your meeting last night, you politely request her for something.
“When he wakes up, I would very much like to talk to him alone,” you request. You cannot help but be happy, yet terrified of what will come when you see him, even speak to him.
She smiles. “I understand, Fai-san. Kurogane will want to see you in private as well, I am sure of it.”
And because the princess is so delighted in the outcome of your resolution and Kurogane’s health, she presents to you a special clothing to change into. Tomoyo-hime informs you that it is very special and is the best way to present yourself when you greet Kurogane.
No matter what happens, you feel more assured. For you, for Kurogane, and for everything that will happen starting today, for you know it is all that you ever wanted.