There are some things you're just not meant to know
Considering one’s own death to the point of dwelling on it in depth was thought of as morbid under most circumstances, possibly bordering on insanity under others. As a Slayer the thought was impossible to avoid, but in her current situation with two hundred years of history she should never have seen at her fingertips, it came dangerously close to obsession.
Resisting the urge hadn’t been difficult when she’d first been brought aboard the ship because she didn’t think she’d be there long. Slaying the alien with experimental time travel technology hadn’t seemed like such a bad idea when she’d thought he was a demon. Yeah, ‘Alien Scientist’ was a shock, but scientists kept notes right?
Wrong.
At least, the paranoid alien scientists didn’t. The bastard had kept everything to himself to avoid anyone stealing the information. What he had written down made about as much sense as a three year old scribbling on the wall. There was no telling how long she was going to be displaced, and as the time passed, things changed as they inevitably do.
It was impossible to ignore the differences in the world around you when you were suddenly faced with getting by in it, ship or no ship, something that was evidenced early on when she’d asked about a supply of birth control pills. The laughter had lasted a solid ten minutes until they realized that she was serious before informing her the pill was antiquated medicine. The shot was quick and apparently had a six month life span. One hundred percent guaranteed. Not really a big deal in the face of aliens, living in space, and traveling at warp friggen speed.
Faith had never been a Sci-Fi fan, if possible, she was even less of one after living it for the first two weeks. Not that it didn’t have perks, mind. The ability to replicate whatever clothes she could think of was kick ass beyond measure. She settled in, she learned, and she got comfortable. Yeah, Jim and Bones were the big two contributing factors to that. The time she spent with them made the thought of not finding a way back bearable, acceptable even, minus the occasional reminder from Spock about continuums and … well, she really didn’t like that pointy eared son of a bitch.
While her going back was something that always seemed to be discussed, the one topic of conversation that was always quickly shut down was her death. It wasn’t that she wanted to die by any means. Neither did it change the fact that somewhere on Earth there was a gravestone with her name, or at least an alias, that contained what remained of her- if there was anything remaining at all. Once the thought had taken hold there was no turning back; it embedded itself in her brain, the burning curiosity to know what lay ahead of her should she return, or to see what she’d avoided by jumping blindly through a portal.
Faith had mentioned it to Bones once, quickly earning herself a disapproving look and a tightening of his arms around her. “There are just some things you don’t wanna know, Lehane. Leave it be, woman. It won’t make you feel any better.”
As much as she respected him, knew he was right, she started digging the next time he and Kirk were both pre-occupied.
It turned out that it was pretty easy to find certain information when you knew exactly what to look for… and that Gaila was extremely good with a computer. Being on good terms with the Orion woman meant that there wasn’t a lot of explanation required for her search, and aside from a bit of confusion on Gaila’s part as to why Faith would want to know such a thing, she’d done the kind of work that would have taken Faith a week in the span of half an hour.
Faith had died December 12th, 2015; two days before her thirty fourth birthday. The cause of death was listed as an animal attack, but she knew better. Something that definitely wasn’t an animal had ripped her to shreds and Giles had identified the body. She was buried at Saint Mary’s in Cleveland, sharing a mausoleum with B of all people. The knowledge made her feel cold inside, her stomach sinking unpleasantly as the weight of it hit her. Sometimes it was a good idea to listen to the people you trusted. They usually told you not to do things for a reason.
Jim was finishing up on the bridge when she sought Bones out, slipping into his room even though she knew he’d just gotten off shift. She hadn’t cried since it would’ve been pointless, but she wasn’t herself and he picked up on it immediately. He was freshly showered and sitting in bed with flask in hand when he opened his arm to her in invitation. Faith slid into the bed next to him, leaning her head against his shoulder while that same arm wrapped around hers. The flask was offered over wordlessly while he waited for her to say whatever it was she had to say.
The words came slowly at first; the reasons she’d wanted to know, what she’d imagined, and then finally what she knew. She hadn’t noticed Jim come in until he’d joined them on the bed and placed a hand on her thigh, squeezing it gently. There was a mirthless laugh from Faith. “You weren’t kiddin’, Bones. Knowin’ really didn’t make me feel any better.”
He didn’t say anything and his eyes held no trace of “I told you so“. Both men were just there, quietly offering their strength and support without making her ask for it, or making some huge deal of the matter. The three of them sat in silence for a long time, passing the flask back and forth amongst themselves until some of the chill seemed to ease out of her.
She would deal with what she’d learned and they would help as best they could. There wasn’t much more she could really ask for.
Author's Note: Still not happy with it, but at this point I don't think I ever will be and it needed to get off of my harddrive. So there you have it.