(no subject)
The concept of need. In the context of relationship. What do I need? Talking to Miyaka and Katie today about their definition of love, polyamory. They say that they don't need anything from each other, that they're best friends who have sex. Which is interesting to me... is that the definition of a relationship? Seems like it is, that two people who are mentally and physically attracted to each other would be best friends who fuck. But then you add in exclusivity to that mix, and what you have is two people who have needs to be met and are asking one person to meet them. And if I'm not allowed to get them met elsewhere, so that my partner doesn't feel put upon, then what do I do then? Resent them for holding my freedom and not giving me what I want?
Essentially that was my whole marriage.
So how do we give each other what we want and need without ending up in resentment and sadness? Because truly I cannot give myself everything that I want. I want connection with a man that loves and adores me. I can adore myself and have sex with myself, but it isn't the same at all. I love the connection and the adoration and the worshipping that comes along with relationship. But I don't ever want the person I'm with to feel like they HAVE to do those things for me.
Adoration. Certainly it can look many different ways. Is it true that I'm asking for too much? that I should be happy with what I'm getting? It's such an interesting line to walk. This yellow-to-red taboo of kink vs. vanilla, real-life vs. fantasy. Where does it end? or does it at all? Calling me a slut in the bedroom vs. calling me a slut on the sidewalk at a cafe. The relation to sexuality as a kink certainly appeals to me, giving this ability to relax around things that could be potentially harmful. But then, when are they ACTUALLY harmful? In this context, it seems to me that the relationship would need MORE trust, more time, more flowery love language to help assuage this fantasy life that bubbles all of the wounds to the surface. Slowly but inevitably. Without love language, without the i love you's and the I adore you's, how do these wounds heal so that they can be soothed and given play without hurt? Is that hurt part of the appeal and if it doesn't hurt anymore, can it still be a turn-on?
Seems like this whole thing is giving me more questions than answers. Even though we've tried to go slow, I've definitely jumped into the deep end of something that I know nothing about. Or very little at least.
The most interesting thing about the beginnings of this new relationship is how much I want it and have wanted it. There is a deep relaxation for me in resting my heart in masculinity. I've know it for a long time, and it remains the same. Not just any masculinity, though. A man that I can trust, not only with me but with himself. A divine purposefulness, integrity, honesty. Someone intelligent and self-reflective but able to be humble. But the thing I have always wanted and never got was someone who can stand up to me. A man who will block my way at the stairs and tell me in no uncertain terms to go back to bed. A man who gently takes my menu and orders for me. Not out of anger or hatred. Not out of inequality. But because I freely cede my power to him. I trust him because he is smart and thoughtful and has my best interest in mind. I trust that he enjoys being in control and so I give him that enjoyment.
I don't want to wander around waiting for him to make a decision. Leading him by the hand like a puppy dog so that he can make sure that I'm happy. I'm no one's mother yet. The worst words in the world, "I don't know, whatever you feel like." Like there is a woman in the world who won't tell you exactly what she wants when she wants it.
So, this. This . . . relationship that has no name. I know that he is a good man, with a good heart and great intentions. It's still early so I'm checking my emotions as best I can. Certainly the fantasy world of marrying and babies and happily ever after. But . . . I'm going to rest on the "maybe" of it all. Maybe there is rich earth to mine with him. Maybe there is something beautiful that has been blossoming and will continue to blossom into something that I couldn't imagine even if I tried. The pieces are all there, right? Stellar communication, trust, respect, sexual compatibility. He's so handsome it hurts me in all the right places. Sometimes his eyelashes make me lose my breath. His "issues" that he has worked so hard to assuage are small, relatable and easy to handle. Every time we make love it's a little more connected, each goodbye kiss is a little more available and open. So... maybe? I don't want to get excited. But I am. A little.
Even if nothing comes out of it, nothing more than what already has, that's enough. I realize now what had been missing in other relationships; and it was mostly about me. This last piece about submission is crucial: If I want a man who will take charge, I have to give up control. I didn't realize it, but I hadn't found a man whom I trusted completely enough that made it safe to bare my throat. No control over themselves, weren't honest, or weren't truly Alpha though desperately wanted to be. This last attempt at trust ended up with me submitting and being verbally abused until I sobbed for hours on my bedroom floor. So now I know more about what I want; a trustworthy and honest man who will take charge and care for me like a queen. I know what I'm worth, and I know the value of my partnership, and a man who proves himself worthy will receive all of that and more. How much more adoring can a woman be than to offer up her submission to her partner?
Essentially that was my whole marriage.
So how do we give each other what we want and need without ending up in resentment and sadness? Because truly I cannot give myself everything that I want. I want connection with a man that loves and adores me. I can adore myself and have sex with myself, but it isn't the same at all. I love the connection and the adoration and the worshipping that comes along with relationship. But I don't ever want the person I'm with to feel like they HAVE to do those things for me.
Adoration. Certainly it can look many different ways. Is it true that I'm asking for too much? that I should be happy with what I'm getting? It's such an interesting line to walk. This yellow-to-red taboo of kink vs. vanilla, real-life vs. fantasy. Where does it end? or does it at all? Calling me a slut in the bedroom vs. calling me a slut on the sidewalk at a cafe. The relation to sexuality as a kink certainly appeals to me, giving this ability to relax around things that could be potentially harmful. But then, when are they ACTUALLY harmful? In this context, it seems to me that the relationship would need MORE trust, more time, more flowery love language to help assuage this fantasy life that bubbles all of the wounds to the surface. Slowly but inevitably. Without love language, without the i love you's and the I adore you's, how do these wounds heal so that they can be soothed and given play without hurt? Is that hurt part of the appeal and if it doesn't hurt anymore, can it still be a turn-on?
Seems like this whole thing is giving me more questions than answers. Even though we've tried to go slow, I've definitely jumped into the deep end of something that I know nothing about. Or very little at least.
The most interesting thing about the beginnings of this new relationship is how much I want it and have wanted it. There is a deep relaxation for me in resting my heart in masculinity. I've know it for a long time, and it remains the same. Not just any masculinity, though. A man that I can trust, not only with me but with himself. A divine purposefulness, integrity, honesty. Someone intelligent and self-reflective but able to be humble. But the thing I have always wanted and never got was someone who can stand up to me. A man who will block my way at the stairs and tell me in no uncertain terms to go back to bed. A man who gently takes my menu and orders for me. Not out of anger or hatred. Not out of inequality. But because I freely cede my power to him. I trust him because he is smart and thoughtful and has my best interest in mind. I trust that he enjoys being in control and so I give him that enjoyment.
I don't want to wander around waiting for him to make a decision. Leading him by the hand like a puppy dog so that he can make sure that I'm happy. I'm no one's mother yet. The worst words in the world, "I don't know, whatever you feel like." Like there is a woman in the world who won't tell you exactly what she wants when she wants it.
So, this. This . . . relationship that has no name. I know that he is a good man, with a good heart and great intentions. It's still early so I'm checking my emotions as best I can. Certainly the fantasy world of marrying and babies and happily ever after. But . . . I'm going to rest on the "maybe" of it all. Maybe there is rich earth to mine with him. Maybe there is something beautiful that has been blossoming and will continue to blossom into something that I couldn't imagine even if I tried. The pieces are all there, right? Stellar communication, trust, respect, sexual compatibility. He's so handsome it hurts me in all the right places. Sometimes his eyelashes make me lose my breath. His "issues" that he has worked so hard to assuage are small, relatable and easy to handle. Every time we make love it's a little more connected, each goodbye kiss is a little more available and open. So... maybe? I don't want to get excited. But I am. A little.
Even if nothing comes out of it, nothing more than what already has, that's enough. I realize now what had been missing in other relationships; and it was mostly about me. This last piece about submission is crucial: If I want a man who will take charge, I have to give up control. I didn't realize it, but I hadn't found a man whom I trusted completely enough that made it safe to bare my throat. No control over themselves, weren't honest, or weren't truly Alpha though desperately wanted to be. This last attempt at trust ended up with me submitting and being verbally abused until I sobbed for hours on my bedroom floor. So now I know more about what I want; a trustworthy and honest man who will take charge and care for me like a queen. I know what I'm worth, and I know the value of my partnership, and a man who proves himself worthy will receive all of that and more. How much more adoring can a woman be than to offer up her submission to her partner?