Fic
Title - Dogs and Their Bones
Fandom - Once Upon a Time
Pairing - Emm/Regina
Rating - PG13
AN - Set during Think Lovely Thoughts and in the world of my making this follows my drabbles, Mirror Mirror, This Provincial Life, Viviane or Nimue, Dreams and Wishes, All the Better to…., Magic Keys, Curiouser and Curiouser, Snow Blind, Spinning Straw , Wooden Hearts , Poisoned , True Love and Other Curses, Spellbound, Over the Rainbow, Facades, Lost Girls, Monstrosities, Love and Lies, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Dreamscapes, Homecomings, Test Match, Wishful Thinking, Absent Friends, Small Mercies, State of Mind, Good Intentions, Sins of Mothers, Affairs of the Heart, Power Plays, Crying Wolf, The Eye of the Storm, Doomsday Devices, Villains, Attachments, Pain and Pixie Dust, Absences, Fighting Fire, Poor Unfortunate Souls and Balancing Acts
Dogs and Their Bones
She is so completely done with this shit. She just wants to find her son and go home. She never thought that she would long for Storybrooke but right now Neverland is making Maine look idyllic.
That probably doesn’t give Storybrooke enough credit. There are reasons that she doesn’t hate that town, reasons that she has stayed. Those reasons just aren’t all that important in this particular comparison because even the things she hates about Storybrooke are preferable to this godforsaken island.
She would literally rather be anywhere else. Prison was better than this place. At least prison made sense, in a brutal, barbaric kind of way. Prison was honest - if someone said that they were planning on stabbing you with a shiv you could trust that they meant it. This is a land of lies. It thrives on trickery, on bending and breaking rules based on the whims of boy who claims to be seeking the truth.
Pan’s not interested in the truth, he’s interested in secrets. He is interested in pain. He’s just too blind to know which of her secrets he should reveal. The answers to his riddles have been half-truths at best. That may not be the case for the others but it certainly has been for her.
If it was meant be an epiphany to realise that even though she has found her parents she still feels like an orphan, Pan is a little late to the party. Believing that she is an orphan is something that has been twenty-eight years in the making. Nothing that happens now can change the decades that preceded it. The fact that she is an orphan has been closer to a scarlet letter than a badge of honour but it’s not something that she has ever denied. How could she? It is who she is, it is all she’s ever known. She grew up an orphan and to be honest it’s really fucking weird to have parents now. If Pan wanted to focus on painful truths perhaps he should have had her admit that - have her tell her parents that she’s more okay with being an orphan than she is with trying to be the daughter that they want her to be.
She doesn’t need to worry about that anymore. Her mother wants to up and replace her with a new and improved model which makes Snow no different to the countless foster parents that Emma has had over the years. That might have been a deep dark secret for Snow but it wasn’t something that Emma was shocked to hear. Disappointed perhaps but certainly not shocked. She really doesn’t think it was a revelation worthy of making a magic path appear.
All of the stones along that path seem strange to her. None of them seem worthy of the mayhem that Pan had clearly set out to cause. She remains convinced that Pan doesn’t know people anywhere near as well as he thinks he does. It also makes her realise that his surveillance of their little band is woefully deficient.
If he’d been watching closely, he would have known that she carries much larger bombshells inside of her than her love for Neal. Neal is an old hurt. Neither her love nor her hate for him are fresh. The feelings surrounding failed first loves are common and it’s almost as though Pan doesn’t know that.
Perhaps her confession of feelings for Neal wasn’t meant to be a problem for her directly, perhaps it was meant to ricochet and rewound in the form jealousy. If that’s the case then Pan either has very poor timing or he lacked the vision to understand how to wield that weapon appropriately. Hook is poor target compared with an angry sorceress.
Pitting a lustful pirate against the father of her child is an unnecessary and annoying inconvenience but it's hardly the shitstorm that would have occurred had Regina been present to witness Pan's cave of tricks.
Part of her almost wishes that Regina had been there. She wonders what would have happened if things had have been forced out into the open. For a start it would have put Snow's inane baby confession into perspective. The thing is though, unlike everything that Pan tried to get her to disclose, this particular truth is precious. Her relationship with Regina, complicated and possibly doomed as it might be, is one of the few things she has that's just hers. She worries at times that all of the secrecy might suffocate them but ultimately she is glad that Pan has been unable to take this secret from her.
To say that she is missing Regina is an understatement of epic proportions. She would miss Regina anyway but this new magic between them makes things so much worse. It makes her feel as though their separation is physical. Her insides have been stretched thin, it's as if her skin has become too large for the soul it's trying to contain. There is an absence that pulls at her constantly. It begs for her to lift her arms like they might be some kind of divining rods capable of seeking out and returning that that is missing. In short, without Regina she is incomplete.
Incomplete people already have enough to contend with, they shouldn't have to be subjected to delusional love triangles. Hook and Neal sniff around her attempting to mark territory that isn't theirs. She belongs to no one and if that fact were to change it wouldn't be for either of them. It might be something that she'd be willing to change for Regina but that thought is terrifying in its enormity and it's part of the reason she pushed Regina away. It isn't safe to let Regina be her everything, not when Regina believes that the path to redemption is martyrdom. She likes to think that she could be enough for Regina, that they could be enough for one another, but she's not certain that Regina will ever stop chasing the kind of forgiveness that's only given from beyond the grave.
Sadly Hook and Neal harbour no such compunctions. They fall firmly on the side of their lives being both important and in her face. Neal happens to be in her face right now. She had stepped away from the group when yet another fight erupted between Mary Margaret and David but rather than seeing this as a quest for solitude he has used it as an opportunity to stalk her. His presence almost makes her wish that she hadn’t walked away from the group but she could not handle another second listening to them squabbling about dreamshade and always finding one another and whether their prefect new baby should be raised in a treehouse. Their conversation had lacked any mention of the possibility of sending the child away from Neverland for it’s own good she had noticed bitterly and knew at once that she had to get away.
She needed space. Space to clear a head that's somehow uncomfortably empty since Regina has been absent. She'd actually thought that of the two of them Neal would be more likely to give her space than Hook, clearly she thought wrong. He leans against a nearby tree scuffing his shoe along the ground and trying to look like he's not watching her every move. She sighs loudly and slips her hands into her pockets, "Did you need something?" she asks with more venom than he probably deserves.
In an attempt to disarm her, he offers a sheepish grin, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry,"
Her first thought is that he has a lot to be sorry about but she bites that back and amends her response to a simple, "Okay."
"Is that all you have to say?" He does seem genuinely surprised.
"Yes," she tells him in what she knows is a passive aggressive manner.
Neal chuckles and kicks at a small rock in front of him sending it skittering off towards her, "The Emma I knew had more fight in her."
She wants to scream that he doesn't know her and that if he ever did he wouldn't have left her alone like that but she has bigger problems than the way Neal sees her. "The Emma you knew rose to the bait more easily."
"I happened to like that Emma," he looks her in the eyes and in response she closes hers and shakes her head.
"The Emma you knew doesn't exist any more."
"I'm sure she does," his smile is wide and it makes her want to punch something, "I don't think we ever really change all that much."
"Well I do," she tells him curtly as her mind fills with images of dark hair and the dark eyes of a woman who would give anything not to be the person that she became.
"See," he says smugly, "I knew there was some fight left in you."
Her shoulders sag as she wearily asks him, "What do you want, Neal?"
"I want to tell you that I'm sorry."
"I believe you already did that."
He ventures closer to her and she wants to retreat but manages to hold her ground. She will not give him the satisfaction of letting him know that he has an impact on her, especially since he is likely to jump to all of the wrong conclusions about the nature of her response. "Don't you want to know what I'm sorry about?"
She's actually not the least bit interested in what he happens to be sorry about. He should be sorry for everything single thing that he has done to her. He shouldn't be able to narrow it down. "I get the feeling you are going to tell me whether I want to know or not."
He bobs his head at her and she is fairly certain that he believes that this exchange is playful banter. It might be for him but for her it is bordering on the painful, she has no use for conversations that get her no closer to having her son back. "This is all my fault."
If he is looking for someone to disagree with him he has gone about this incorrectly, "Okay," she tells him once again.
His face is earnest as he implores, "I'm serious Emma. This is on me. I brought Tamara into our lives. I put Henry at risk."
Everything that he says is true and he most definitely should be sorry about Henry, she'd be livid if he wasn't, but it hurts that Henry is the focus of his apology. She can't help thinking that he owes her much more than that but maybe you lose your right to be resentful when you tell someone that you wished they were dead.
She doesn't reply, she doesn't know how to and Neal obviously ends up uncomfortable with the silence because he places his hand on her shoulder and says, "I'll leave you alone. This probably isn't the right time to bug you but at some point we need to talk about this. I want to be a part of Henry's life and yours too if you'll let me."
He turns and leaves and she wants to let out a sigh of relief but she can't. His words have left her on edge. She's not sure that she wants him in her life and as cruel as this might make her she's not sure that she wants him in Henry's life either. It isn’t just because she couldn’t avoid him if he were a part of Henry's life, it's because she wants better things for Henry. Neal doesn't wish Henry harm, she knows that, but he makes her life feels overcrowded. For someone who spent so long not wanting to be alone she is really struggling now that her cup overflows with people who claim to care for her, and she doesn't want the same for Henry.
Her son wouldn't see things that way. He very much wants to know the man who fathered him. For a child who grow up just as lonely as she did, lonelier even, Henry has no difficulty with the concept of being showered with love. Unlike her he runs to love instead of away from it. If anything, he seeks out too much love, he has been too quick to discard the love he has in favour of a newer, better love. He did it to Regina with her and yet it surprised Emma when he did the same thing to her with Neal. It's another reason that she was glad that Neal was out of the picture.
She knows it's selfish to deprive Henry of his father but Henry deserves better than a man who doesn't believe that people can change. Henry should pin his hopes on someone who actually believes in hope and not a thief who will break his heart. Her musings on Neal and his place in Henry's life are pointless right now and they are only drawing her focus away from what is important - getting Henry back and getting off this island that taunts her.
She sets her shoulders back, determined to rejoin the group looking like the confident saviour that they need her to be but her journey is interrupted after barely a step.
Hook saunters towards her with fair less regard for her personal space than Neal displayed. She almost regrets wishing Neal away once she is faced with a man whose breath come hot and unwelcome against her face.
"Trouble in paradise?" he asks her with more confidence and swagger than he is entitled to.
"This is hardly what I would describe as paradise." she mumbles in return.
"I know this isn't the best time," Hook offers with what might be legitimate sympathy but if it is, she is far too irritable to recognise it as such, "and I'm all for waiting until we get your lad back and the smoke clears but I couldn't help but notice that you aren't completely thrilled by the return of your former flame."
It's not exactly a startling observation given Hook was present and declaring his love for her while she was confessing that it would have been easier if Neal were dead. She doesn't want bad things for Neal, not any more than she usually does at least, but she had accepted his death, accepted that there would be things left unresolved, things left unsaid. It's jarring to have to reprocess her feelings and those feelings are certainly not the business of a pirate who desires to get into her pants. "That's not really something I want to talk about," she informs which, on balance, is nicer than she could have been on this issue.
"Aye, as I said, the timing's not right but I'll still be here when it is."
Her skins crawls at way her looks at her, it's not completely predatory but it is possessive and it's certainly unwanted. She shakes her head and pinches the skin between her eyes, "Look, I told you that that kiss didn't mean anything."
"Perhaps it doesn't mean anything to you yet but I hope in time that it will, it certainly meant something to me." His eyes are warm and if she felt differently she'd probably describe them as inviting but his charms are wasted on her.
"It was just a kiss," she says with weary exasperation.
"That may be, my lady, but I get the sense that you are not someone who kisses easily. Besides," he has the audacity to wink at her, "I know you didn't tell Neal about the kiss."
What is it with the people from these fairy tale realms that they somehow think that they know her? Hook, Neal, Snow, Pan, all of them assume things about her when they have no idea about her life, about her world. She breathes deeply as she digs her fingernails into her palms and reminds herself that right now she needs these fairy tale people to help her get Henry back, "That's because it was a non-event," she manages to coolly state.
"Oh that kiss was anything but ordinary." He is an eyebrow waggle away from getting punched in the face.
The reality is that he is not wrong and the truly frustrating thing is that she can't even blame him for the way that he views the kiss because that kiss and that magic that fuelled it were indeed special, they just weren't meant for him. He was but a bystander in the path of currents that were trying to pull her towards Regina. She was at risk of kissing anyone at that moment and in a way she's thankful that it was Hook standing in front of her instead of, say, Gold. Although, at least Gold would have understood that kiss for what it was. That would have left her with a whole new set of problems though. If it comes down to the dark one knowing about her feelings for Regina and the magic that the two of them can create or Hook furthering his delusion that he is irresistible then, by the narrowest of margins, Hook is the lessor of the two evils. "That kiss was a mistake," she tells him with finality.
Hook doesn't even have the decency to look crestfallen. She may not want him but she'd like to think that the thought that he can’t have her is at least a loss. It’s selfish and it’s stupid and it likely has a lot more to do with where things stand with Regina right now than it does with the man in front of her. Her fear that she will never be enough for Regina permeates everything that she does but it stops tainting her exchange with Hook when he looks at her smugly and says, “I understand that Baelfire’s return complicates things some but I am nothing if not a patient man.”
She wants to tell him that patience is probably not a quality that makes for a successful pirate but that would only prolong this dreary exchange. “I wouldn’t hold your breath because you’ll be waiting for all eternity,” she says as she stalks passed him.
He laughs at her, it’s deeper and darker than Neal’s chuckle was earlier but the message is the same - she’s a silly girl who either doesn’t know, or can’t admit, what she wants. The presumptuousness of his behaviour stops her in her tracks. Hook, the expert on her that he is, clearly takes this as a sign of acquiescence and comes to stand behind her, “We shall see Swan, we shall see,” he whispers low in her ear before he saunters out of the clearing the same way that he entered.
She collapses against the nearest tree and lets her head bang into the wood. How the hell did this become her life? Not for the first time she regrets the wish she made on that 28th birthday candle. Being alone really doesn’t seem all that bad right now. She gladly give up this island and the two men pawing at her to go back to her old life but then she thinks about Henry and Regina and knows that she could never do it. She can’t begin to imagine life without them anymore which is a terrifying thought when she considers that right at this moment there is still a possibility that she will lose both of them.
Emma places her palms over her face and pushes down onto her eyes. She tells herself she can do this and goes off to find their not so merry band. Her parents have thankfully managed to reign in their emotions and it seems that they will be able to make some progress towards the actual goal of this mission.
They don't manage to make much progress at all before it becomes clear that there is someone else nearby. Her body sings with alertness as she draws her sword. She is itching to enter the fray, and she idly wonders if her frustrations with Neal and Hook are more of a problem than she first thought. It appears that they make her reckless and possibly place her in danger of throwing her life away before they even have a chance to get near Henry but when the source of the disturbance emerges things become clear.
She’s not being drawn to danger, well not the sort of danger she was envisioning, her body was simply reacting to Regina’s proximity. Her arms rise of their own accord, reaching out for what they have been dying to hold, and she has to force them down. She should feel better now that Regina is here but her ache for the brunette is stronger than ever. The missing part of her has returned but it’s not enough. Regina’s is no were near close enough.
Her eyes meet Regina’s and her breath hitches. She can see everything she feels - pain, longing, confusion - reflected in Regina’s eyes and somehow that is sobering. The knowledge that Regina is suffering confirms how important this is to both to them, how important she is to Regina, and the implications of that are staggering. It is enough to dampen her magic heightened desire and prevent her from ripping Regina’s clothes off and pushing her to the ground in front of everyone.
Gold and Regina inform them of their endeavours and achievements and she feels herself flush in indulgent pride at Regina’s conceited explanation that they have done something that has a chance of actually working. There was a time when Regina acting like that made Emma want to hurt her, or at least kiss the smile off her face, but now she finds it endearing. She really is pathetic sometimes.
It already feels as though they have been on this damned island forever but it’s another eon before she is able to talk to Regina. David staggers and clutches his chest in pain causing Mary Margaret to erupt into panic yet again. She is less judgemental than she was earlier. One glance at Regina reminds her that she would be just as anxious as Snow if Regina was the one poisoned and unable to leave the island. Emma doesn’t want to wish suffering on David but she is somewhat relieved when Snow declares that, in spite of David’s protests to the contrary, that they need to stop and rest.
Stopping isn’t in Henry’s interest, she knows that, but her need to save Henry is warring with her need to be with Regina and right now the latter is winning. She makes a declaration of her own and advises them all that she needs to talk with Regina alone. She expected protests but instead she is met with a form of resigned acceptance that she doesn’t understand until Mary Margaret’s eyes dart to Neal. For a second she thinks Snow knows everything but then she realises that they think is about Henry, about how Regina will cope with the idea of Neal’s return and the knowledge that the selfish monarch will once again have to share her son with his father.
Regina plays her part beautifully. She follows Emma with her arms crossed firmly over her chest and a frown etched into her face. If Emma didn’t know better she would swear that Regina was resenting the thought of spending time with her. Her stomach drops when she realises that there is a very real possibility that Regina doesn’t want to spent time with her. They may have affection for one another, and a magically forged connection, but Regina would be well within her rights to want nothing to do with her. The thought worries at her as she chews on her lip and braces herself for possible rejection.
They don’t go far before Regina stops, waving her hand through the air as she turns towards Emma. The air around them shimmers and Emma looks at her curiously. “I thought we could use some privacy,” Regina tells her self-consciously.
“So they,” she jerks her thumb back in the direction that they have come, “won’t be able to see us?”
“Not exactly,” Regina advises her and smiles warmly at the pout this information provokes from Emma, “that would have required more magic and it is best I use it sparingly.” They don’t mention Henry and the danger he is in, they don’t have to.
“So what’s it for?” she points at the haze in the air and it moves to accommodate her hand.
“They won’t be able to hear us,” Regina clarifies.
“All of them?” she asks sceptically.
“The idiots and you’re many, many male admirers won’t. If Gold is determined to eavesdrop on us I don’t think there’s any amount of magic that could stop him but I really don’t think we’re his priority.”
“Fair enough.” She glares at the barrier, “So I guess this means that I can’t touch you.”
“That’s probably for the best, we do need to preserve our energy,” Regina shoots her a hungry look that goes straight to her core.
She shakes her head as though it might be able to remove the effect that Regina has on her, “Well then I guess we have different definitions of ‘for the best’,” she says playfully as she invades Regina’s personal space.
Regina looks at her with eyes that are both angry and wounded and she automatically feels guilty. She is the one who ended things, she is the one who was certain that that was the right decision. The fact that she’s a moth drawn to Regina’s flame doesn’t give her the right to flirt with her. In fact it makes her downright cruel.
“I’m sorry,” she says and it’s disheartening that this echoes what Neal said to her earlier.
“As well you should be, dear,” Regina tells her. It's comforting to realise that this is not simply her dynamic with Neal reversed. It doesn’t mean that she is making better choices in her life, going from a petty criminal to a mass murderer isn’t necessarily a positive step, but she is certainly making different ones. “Are there any sins in particular that you are looking for me to forgive?”
Despite her sincerity, it’s clear that her apology was lacking, “Even the short list is very, very long - I doubt we have time.”
“Your organisational skills remain as abysmal as ever I see,” Regina smiles at her and it’s genuine and it’s almost as though she doesn’t need to be forgiven now.
“They are right up there with my timing,” she replies morosely and has to tear her eyes away from Regina’s face.
“Are we referring to the part where you broke things off immediately after my son was kidnapped?” Regina words are clipped and it’s glaringly obvious to both of them that Emma feels a pain in her gut to hear Regina refer to Henry as hers rather than theirs.
“Yes,” she says because there’s really nothing else she can say.
“I’m not at all condoning what you did but for what it’s worth, there’s really never a good time to break my heart.”
“True,” Emma offers her a timid smile, “but on the topic of my lousy timing I was sorta thinking about what went on before Henry was taken.”
“And here I was labouring under the misapprehension that what went on before was why you made that decision. So claiming that it was about my sacrifice when I tried to save the town was all just an excuse then? Tell me Miss Swan how long did you want me gone from your life?” Regina’s voice is cold and flat but something dark burns behind her eyes and she reminds Emma of the woman that she first met, a woman that she hasn’t seen in a long time she realises.
“Woah, woah, no,” she raises her hands and waves them in surrender, “I never wanted you gone,” she still doesn’t but it’s not fair to tell Regina that, “I panicked about the whole magic bomb thing but that’s not what I was talking about. Tamara and Owen and Hook,” she feels bile rise in her throat over the thought that she kissed the pirate, “they took you, they did things to you, they....they....they....hurt you.”
“The word you are looking for is tortured, Miss Swan,” Regina might be addressing her formally but it’s not the Mayor or the Queen who is talking to her it’s Regina, her Regina.
“Right,” she nods and tries to force away the images that word produces in her mind, “and I was an asshole who focused on my own pain and didn’t even fucking acknowledge what had happened to you. I am the worst.”
“You definitely have your flaws but you are not the worst, Emma.”
“You only say that because you’re worried I’d be competition of you.”
“Please,” Regina waves her hand dismissively, “you are an underachiever, you are hardly a threat to me.” It is in fact an insult and yet Emma finds her face splitting into a grin, only Regina could feel the need to be good at something that she doesn’t even want to be.
“Perhaps not,” she concedes, “but I’m definitely still an asshole who didn’t care what you’d just been through.”
Regina gives her the strangest look, “Asshole or not I’d rather you never lie to me about something like that. I would hate you so much more if you’d delayed breaking up with me just because you thought I was too delicate.”
She tilts her head to the side, “I suspect that’s what good people are supposed to do.”
“I think that we’ve well and truly established that the so called good people,” Regina gestures her head in the direction of David and Mary Margaret, “are imbeciles.”
“David’s managed to get himself poisoned by dreamshade,” she blurts out.
Regina gives a tiny shake of her head and spreads her hands out in a gesture that screams someone save me from these idiots but the only thing she says is, “I see.”
“That’s not what this is about,” she implores. “I mean in case you were wondering if that has something to do with where I’m coming from. It doesn’t except for the fact that him covering it up somehow made me realise that I was an asshole who ignored what you were going through. I didn’t say anything to you about that at the time because I didn’t know how but that doesn’t make it right.”
"Don't worry, dear, that was just a drop in the ocean compared with the things I have been through."
She knows that Regina is trying to be brave but sometimes being reminded of the truth about Regina's life feels like being hit by a tidal wave, “I saw what they did to you. I hate to think about the fact that there are worse things in you past.”
"And in my present," Regina whispers.
"We will get Henry back, I promise."
"Good," Regina replies with a sad smile.
This is so different to the conversation that she had with Neal. This is not about minimization. This is about survival. They both know that they are talking about more than Henry and they both know that it's safer to leave the rest unsaid but it doesn't stop the, "I'm sorry," that involuntary escapes from Emma's lips.
“You’ve mentioned that already,” Regina reminds her with a wry smile.
“It’s still as true as when I told you earlier,” she folds her arms around her chest trying to contain her frustration over her words having more control of the situation than she does.
“You don't need to be, I should be thanking you.”
“Because I helped you with the trigger thingy? You should know by now that saving your life is just part of the deal.”
“Not for that.”
"You don’t think I deserve thanks for that, it was a big effort.” She’s more flippant than she should be but they are on dangerous ground here. Ground that caused her to lose Regina even though Regina lived.
“Don’t make me hurt you Emma,” Regina threatens and Emma knows that the threat is far from idle.
“Fine, why should you be thanking me?”
“For showing me that what I’ve been trying to do is folly.” Emma tries to interrupt but Regina puts her hand up to indicate that she’s not finished talking. “I thought I could change. I thought I could be better. I thought I could atone but I can’t. What I did trying to save Storybrooke was foolish but it was a good thing. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t selfless - I was so fucking angry that I was going to die but I did it anyway because it was the right thing to do. It was the best I could do.”
She feels about two feet tall right now, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. That wasn’t about you. That was my shit, my baggage.”
“No, don’t you see, that’s the very thing I need to thank you for. You taught me something very important.”
Emma really doesn’t like where this conversation is going, “And what was that?”
“That what I do doesn’t matter. My best will never be good enough. I won’t get what I want, I won’t ever be redeemed.”
“Regina,” she warns because if she said anything else she would break down into tears.
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything stupid. Just because I can’t be redeemed doesn’t mean I’m done trying.”
“You’d keep trying to be better even if there’s no reward in it?”
“For a while there I did think it was all pointless. I considered stringing every single one of you up and flaying you alive.”
“Can I be the first to express my gratitude that that didn’t happen.”
“Don’t express it too soon. The jury’s well and truly still out when it comes to Hook and to be honest I'm not all that keen about having Neal back either.”
She lets out a small laugh, “So this is you trying to do better is it?”
“I haven’t flayed them yet. I think that’s showing incredible restraint.”
“So why not just do it?” she asks completely unsure whether she wants to know the answer.
“I cast that curse because I believed my life could be better and I still believe it can. I can do better, I can be better, even if no one sees it but me. I might die a villain in the eyes of everyone else but I will find a way to convince myself that I’m more,” she pauses as though sifting through words to try and come up with something appropriate, “tolerable.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Don’t say anything just yet. I will confess that my desire to be tolerable has lessened in the wake of learning that Neal is alive.”
“You really don’t cope well with being wrong do you?” Emma can’t help but smirk at Regina.
“It’s not something that I’m particularly fond of, no. I am also not fond of learning that your suitors appear to be multiplying.”
“Are you unhappy he’s alive?” She wants to tell Regina that she had wished Neal was dead but she doesn’t go that far.
“I’m not thrilled with having to add a third person to Henry’s parenting roster. He has enough parents,” Regina says firmly.
“You’d let him have custody?” she wonders if she sounds as incredulous as she feels.
“Of course not but he could take him to a ball game of some sort of equally appropriate male bonding activity.”
“So Neal’s not the reason that you left?”
“Not entirely,” Regina seems uncomfortable at that confession.
Warmth bubbles in her in response to Regina’s honesty. “So you were jealous?” the triumph in her voice is unattractive and uncalled for but she doesn’t care because her heart is soaring.
“Emma....you want me but you don’t. I guess I feared if he were alive that he might be, well....,” Regina trails off and looks away.
“A better choice?” she asks gently
“An easier choice,” Regina corrects with distain.
“He does lack your complexity,” Emma admits with more adoration than is appropriate under the circumstances.
“Everyone was so willing to believe that he was alive. They were all alight with excitement.” Regina makes it sound like there has never been a larger atrocity committed.
“By everyone you do you mean me?”
“I don’t exactly care what those other morons think or feel.”
She smiles at Regina, because how can she not? “I thought I was the one who ran.”
“Maybe we should keep it that way, I don’t think I’m very good at it.” The concept of the unacceptable nature of failure is written on Regina’s face in a scowl.
“What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter”
“Oh my god,” light dawns for her, “you missed me, you wanted to come back.”
Regina looks away and her voice is soft when she says, “Clearly I am almost as big of an idiot as you and your parents.”
“I missed you too.”
“Good,” Regina voice cracks a little.
“Don’t leave me again. I do stupid things when you’re not here.”
“You do stupid things all of the time dear,” there is no bite to Regina’s words.
“No, really stupid things like telling Mary Margaret that I kissed Hook.”
Regina face is somehow red and pale all at once. “Why would you tell her that?”
Emma can feel the rage that Regina is trying desperately to contain, “Because she wouldn’t stop harping on about Neal being back and she acted as though our perfect future was set in stone. She was moments away from designing a bridesmaid's dress for you.”
“I will never be your bridesmaid Emma,” Regina says angrily.
“Of course you won’t,” the thought fills Emma with complete dread. Bridesmaid is not at all the role she would want Regina to have in her wedding party. She shuts down thoughts of Regina in white before she completely loses herself in that fantasy, “I couldn’t have you up there outshining me and my betrothed.”
“And you say this never having seen me in formal wear,” there’s a hint of challenge to Regina’s tone.
“I guess I will have to work on creating a reason to see you like that then.” She makes the mistake of catching Regina’s eyes and suddenly this is all too real. They are flushed and breathing in synch and dreaming of a future that may never be theirs to have.
“If you marry Neal I’m certainly going to wear something that highlights all of my assets.”
Emma nearly has a stroke at the thought alone. “I am not going to marry Neal and I was just trying to get Mary Margaret to accept that reality.”
“And to do this you needed to bring up the fact that you let Hook put his filthy, diseased tongue in your mouth?” there’s a hopeless quality to Regina’s ire.
“Yes. Yes I did,” see says emphatically.
“I see,” Regina’s lips are pressed into a firm line and her fists are balled.
“It did what I needed to do. It stopped the talk of my destiny with Neal.”
“Did it at least upset Snow?” Regina asks with far too much hope for a woman who wants to redeem herself.
“I think it probably did.” Regina’s face breaks into a slow smile. “Although I suspect the truth about why I am not interested in her version of my future would have hurt her even more. I’m sorry if it disappoints you that I didn’t tell her about you when that could have hurt her more.”
“You’re forgiven,” Regina tells her with affection, “and thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not using what we had in that way.”
“I would never!” she exclaims. “I could never.”
Regina steps closer and fingers stretch up to caress Emma’s hair but Regina apparently rethinks the move and her hand falls impotently by her side. “We are not together any more Emma.”
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be, which is a ridiculous thought for her to have given she's the one who ended their relationship. “Maybe not but I would never use our relationship to hurt anyone. We deserve a better ending than that.”
“If you are looking for good endings I am the wrong person to have attached yourself to.” It sounds like self-pity but it’s said with simple acceptance.
“I don’t think so.”
“Then you are a fool,” Regina tells her but she smiles at Emma all the same.
Emma smiles back and is about to tell her just how much of a fool she is - that she doesn’t want this to be over, that she wants them to find a way to make things work - when Neal appears at the barrier. “It’s time to move on,” he informs them whilst looking at her as though he is rescuing her from an unpleasant situation.
“Okay,” she replies but her only move is to step closer to Regina so she can whisper in her ear. “Just so you know, Neal might be Henry’s father but he’s not part of our family.”
Regina squeezes her arm in thanks but her eyes dance with mirth as she says, “I never once thought he was.”
Emma keeps her voice low as she says, “Oh and one last thing, that kiss with Hook was all about the magic roofie that you’d given me. I only wanted to kiss you but you weren’t standing there and in your absence I would have kissed anyone. Shit, I might have tried to kiss David.”
She shudders at the thought but Regina gives her a cool gaze and states, “Well that would have made two of us.”
“Woah....what....wait,” she splutters but Regina is already striding away.
She shakes her head and follows after her. Neal catches Emma’s arm when she reaches him and gives her a sympathetic look, “That woman is a piece of work isn’t she?”
“She sure is,” she says a tone that is clearly more wistful than Neal was expecting.
He gives her a strange look, “When things settle down I really do want us to talk.”
“If you want,” she replies and she finds that she is not as annoyed with the request as she would have been only an hour ago. Everything is better now that Regina is back. She is better now that Regina is back.
Fandom - Once Upon a Time
Pairing - Emm/Regina
Rating - PG13
AN - Set during Think Lovely Thoughts and in the world of my making this follows my drabbles, Mirror Mirror, This Provincial Life, Viviane or Nimue, Dreams and Wishes, All the Better to…., Magic Keys, Curiouser and Curiouser, Snow Blind, Spinning Straw , Wooden Hearts , Poisoned , True Love and Other Curses, Spellbound, Over the Rainbow, Facades, Lost Girls, Monstrosities, Love and Lies, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Dreamscapes, Homecomings, Test Match, Wishful Thinking, Absent Friends, Small Mercies, State of Mind, Good Intentions, Sins of Mothers, Affairs of the Heart, Power Plays, Crying Wolf, The Eye of the Storm, Doomsday Devices, Villains, Attachments, Pain and Pixie Dust, Absences, Fighting Fire, Poor Unfortunate Souls and Balancing Acts
Dogs and Their Bones
She is so completely done with this shit. She just wants to find her son and go home. She never thought that she would long for Storybrooke but right now Neverland is making Maine look idyllic.
That probably doesn’t give Storybrooke enough credit. There are reasons that she doesn’t hate that town, reasons that she has stayed. Those reasons just aren’t all that important in this particular comparison because even the things she hates about Storybrooke are preferable to this godforsaken island.
She would literally rather be anywhere else. Prison was better than this place. At least prison made sense, in a brutal, barbaric kind of way. Prison was honest - if someone said that they were planning on stabbing you with a shiv you could trust that they meant it. This is a land of lies. It thrives on trickery, on bending and breaking rules based on the whims of boy who claims to be seeking the truth.
Pan’s not interested in the truth, he’s interested in secrets. He is interested in pain. He’s just too blind to know which of her secrets he should reveal. The answers to his riddles have been half-truths at best. That may not be the case for the others but it certainly has been for her.
If it was meant be an epiphany to realise that even though she has found her parents she still feels like an orphan, Pan is a little late to the party. Believing that she is an orphan is something that has been twenty-eight years in the making. Nothing that happens now can change the decades that preceded it. The fact that she is an orphan has been closer to a scarlet letter than a badge of honour but it’s not something that she has ever denied. How could she? It is who she is, it is all she’s ever known. She grew up an orphan and to be honest it’s really fucking weird to have parents now. If Pan wanted to focus on painful truths perhaps he should have had her admit that - have her tell her parents that she’s more okay with being an orphan than she is with trying to be the daughter that they want her to be.
She doesn’t need to worry about that anymore. Her mother wants to up and replace her with a new and improved model which makes Snow no different to the countless foster parents that Emma has had over the years. That might have been a deep dark secret for Snow but it wasn’t something that Emma was shocked to hear. Disappointed perhaps but certainly not shocked. She really doesn’t think it was a revelation worthy of making a magic path appear.
All of the stones along that path seem strange to her. None of them seem worthy of the mayhem that Pan had clearly set out to cause. She remains convinced that Pan doesn’t know people anywhere near as well as he thinks he does. It also makes her realise that his surveillance of their little band is woefully deficient.
If he’d been watching closely, he would have known that she carries much larger bombshells inside of her than her love for Neal. Neal is an old hurt. Neither her love nor her hate for him are fresh. The feelings surrounding failed first loves are common and it’s almost as though Pan doesn’t know that.
Perhaps her confession of feelings for Neal wasn’t meant to be a problem for her directly, perhaps it was meant to ricochet and rewound in the form jealousy. If that’s the case then Pan either has very poor timing or he lacked the vision to understand how to wield that weapon appropriately. Hook is poor target compared with an angry sorceress.
Pitting a lustful pirate against the father of her child is an unnecessary and annoying inconvenience but it's hardly the shitstorm that would have occurred had Regina been present to witness Pan's cave of tricks.
Part of her almost wishes that Regina had been there. She wonders what would have happened if things had have been forced out into the open. For a start it would have put Snow's inane baby confession into perspective. The thing is though, unlike everything that Pan tried to get her to disclose, this particular truth is precious. Her relationship with Regina, complicated and possibly doomed as it might be, is one of the few things she has that's just hers. She worries at times that all of the secrecy might suffocate them but ultimately she is glad that Pan has been unable to take this secret from her.
To say that she is missing Regina is an understatement of epic proportions. She would miss Regina anyway but this new magic between them makes things so much worse. It makes her feel as though their separation is physical. Her insides have been stretched thin, it's as if her skin has become too large for the soul it's trying to contain. There is an absence that pulls at her constantly. It begs for her to lift her arms like they might be some kind of divining rods capable of seeking out and returning that that is missing. In short, without Regina she is incomplete.
Incomplete people already have enough to contend with, they shouldn't have to be subjected to delusional love triangles. Hook and Neal sniff around her attempting to mark territory that isn't theirs. She belongs to no one and if that fact were to change it wouldn't be for either of them. It might be something that she'd be willing to change for Regina but that thought is terrifying in its enormity and it's part of the reason she pushed Regina away. It isn't safe to let Regina be her everything, not when Regina believes that the path to redemption is martyrdom. She likes to think that she could be enough for Regina, that they could be enough for one another, but she's not certain that Regina will ever stop chasing the kind of forgiveness that's only given from beyond the grave.
Sadly Hook and Neal harbour no such compunctions. They fall firmly on the side of their lives being both important and in her face. Neal happens to be in her face right now. She had stepped away from the group when yet another fight erupted between Mary Margaret and David but rather than seeing this as a quest for solitude he has used it as an opportunity to stalk her. His presence almost makes her wish that she hadn’t walked away from the group but she could not handle another second listening to them squabbling about dreamshade and always finding one another and whether their prefect new baby should be raised in a treehouse. Their conversation had lacked any mention of the possibility of sending the child away from Neverland for it’s own good she had noticed bitterly and knew at once that she had to get away.
She needed space. Space to clear a head that's somehow uncomfortably empty since Regina has been absent. She'd actually thought that of the two of them Neal would be more likely to give her space than Hook, clearly she thought wrong. He leans against a nearby tree scuffing his shoe along the ground and trying to look like he's not watching her every move. She sighs loudly and slips her hands into her pockets, "Did you need something?" she asks with more venom than he probably deserves.
In an attempt to disarm her, he offers a sheepish grin, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry,"
Her first thought is that he has a lot to be sorry about but she bites that back and amends her response to a simple, "Okay."
"Is that all you have to say?" He does seem genuinely surprised.
"Yes," she tells him in what she knows is a passive aggressive manner.
Neal chuckles and kicks at a small rock in front of him sending it skittering off towards her, "The Emma I knew had more fight in her."
She wants to scream that he doesn't know her and that if he ever did he wouldn't have left her alone like that but she has bigger problems than the way Neal sees her. "The Emma you knew rose to the bait more easily."
"I happened to like that Emma," he looks her in the eyes and in response she closes hers and shakes her head.
"The Emma you knew doesn't exist any more."
"I'm sure she does," his smile is wide and it makes her want to punch something, "I don't think we ever really change all that much."
"Well I do," she tells him curtly as her mind fills with images of dark hair and the dark eyes of a woman who would give anything not to be the person that she became.
"See," he says smugly, "I knew there was some fight left in you."
Her shoulders sag as she wearily asks him, "What do you want, Neal?"
"I want to tell you that I'm sorry."
"I believe you already did that."
He ventures closer to her and she wants to retreat but manages to hold her ground. She will not give him the satisfaction of letting him know that he has an impact on her, especially since he is likely to jump to all of the wrong conclusions about the nature of her response. "Don't you want to know what I'm sorry about?"
She's actually not the least bit interested in what he happens to be sorry about. He should be sorry for everything single thing that he has done to her. He shouldn't be able to narrow it down. "I get the feeling you are going to tell me whether I want to know or not."
He bobs his head at her and she is fairly certain that he believes that this exchange is playful banter. It might be for him but for her it is bordering on the painful, she has no use for conversations that get her no closer to having her son back. "This is all my fault."
If he is looking for someone to disagree with him he has gone about this incorrectly, "Okay," she tells him once again.
His face is earnest as he implores, "I'm serious Emma. This is on me. I brought Tamara into our lives. I put Henry at risk."
Everything that he says is true and he most definitely should be sorry about Henry, she'd be livid if he wasn't, but it hurts that Henry is the focus of his apology. She can't help thinking that he owes her much more than that but maybe you lose your right to be resentful when you tell someone that you wished they were dead.
She doesn't reply, she doesn't know how to and Neal obviously ends up uncomfortable with the silence because he places his hand on her shoulder and says, "I'll leave you alone. This probably isn't the right time to bug you but at some point we need to talk about this. I want to be a part of Henry's life and yours too if you'll let me."
He turns and leaves and she wants to let out a sigh of relief but she can't. His words have left her on edge. She's not sure that she wants him in her life and as cruel as this might make her she's not sure that she wants him in Henry's life either. It isn’t just because she couldn’t avoid him if he were a part of Henry's life, it's because she wants better things for Henry. Neal doesn't wish Henry harm, she knows that, but he makes her life feels overcrowded. For someone who spent so long not wanting to be alone she is really struggling now that her cup overflows with people who claim to care for her, and she doesn't want the same for Henry.
Her son wouldn't see things that way. He very much wants to know the man who fathered him. For a child who grow up just as lonely as she did, lonelier even, Henry has no difficulty with the concept of being showered with love. Unlike her he runs to love instead of away from it. If anything, he seeks out too much love, he has been too quick to discard the love he has in favour of a newer, better love. He did it to Regina with her and yet it surprised Emma when he did the same thing to her with Neal. It's another reason that she was glad that Neal was out of the picture.
She knows it's selfish to deprive Henry of his father but Henry deserves better than a man who doesn't believe that people can change. Henry should pin his hopes on someone who actually believes in hope and not a thief who will break his heart. Her musings on Neal and his place in Henry's life are pointless right now and they are only drawing her focus away from what is important - getting Henry back and getting off this island that taunts her.
She sets her shoulders back, determined to rejoin the group looking like the confident saviour that they need her to be but her journey is interrupted after barely a step.
Hook saunters towards her with fair less regard for her personal space than Neal displayed. She almost regrets wishing Neal away once she is faced with a man whose breath come hot and unwelcome against her face.
"Trouble in paradise?" he asks her with more confidence and swagger than he is entitled to.
"This is hardly what I would describe as paradise." she mumbles in return.
"I know this isn't the best time," Hook offers with what might be legitimate sympathy but if it is, she is far too irritable to recognise it as such, "and I'm all for waiting until we get your lad back and the smoke clears but I couldn't help but notice that you aren't completely thrilled by the return of your former flame."
It's not exactly a startling observation given Hook was present and declaring his love for her while she was confessing that it would have been easier if Neal were dead. She doesn't want bad things for Neal, not any more than she usually does at least, but she had accepted his death, accepted that there would be things left unresolved, things left unsaid. It's jarring to have to reprocess her feelings and those feelings are certainly not the business of a pirate who desires to get into her pants. "That's not really something I want to talk about," she informs which, on balance, is nicer than she could have been on this issue.
"Aye, as I said, the timing's not right but I'll still be here when it is."
Her skins crawls at way her looks at her, it's not completely predatory but it is possessive and it's certainly unwanted. She shakes her head and pinches the skin between her eyes, "Look, I told you that that kiss didn't mean anything."
"Perhaps it doesn't mean anything to you yet but I hope in time that it will, it certainly meant something to me." His eyes are warm and if she felt differently she'd probably describe them as inviting but his charms are wasted on her.
"It was just a kiss," she says with weary exasperation.
"That may be, my lady, but I get the sense that you are not someone who kisses easily. Besides," he has the audacity to wink at her, "I know you didn't tell Neal about the kiss."
What is it with the people from these fairy tale realms that they somehow think that they know her? Hook, Neal, Snow, Pan, all of them assume things about her when they have no idea about her life, about her world. She breathes deeply as she digs her fingernails into her palms and reminds herself that right now she needs these fairy tale people to help her get Henry back, "That's because it was a non-event," she manages to coolly state.
"Oh that kiss was anything but ordinary." He is an eyebrow waggle away from getting punched in the face.
The reality is that he is not wrong and the truly frustrating thing is that she can't even blame him for the way that he views the kiss because that kiss and that magic that fuelled it were indeed special, they just weren't meant for him. He was but a bystander in the path of currents that were trying to pull her towards Regina. She was at risk of kissing anyone at that moment and in a way she's thankful that it was Hook standing in front of her instead of, say, Gold. Although, at least Gold would have understood that kiss for what it was. That would have left her with a whole new set of problems though. If it comes down to the dark one knowing about her feelings for Regina and the magic that the two of them can create or Hook furthering his delusion that he is irresistible then, by the narrowest of margins, Hook is the lessor of the two evils. "That kiss was a mistake," she tells him with finality.
Hook doesn't even have the decency to look crestfallen. She may not want him but she'd like to think that the thought that he can’t have her is at least a loss. It’s selfish and it’s stupid and it likely has a lot more to do with where things stand with Regina right now than it does with the man in front of her. Her fear that she will never be enough for Regina permeates everything that she does but it stops tainting her exchange with Hook when he looks at her smugly and says, “I understand that Baelfire’s return complicates things some but I am nothing if not a patient man.”
She wants to tell him that patience is probably not a quality that makes for a successful pirate but that would only prolong this dreary exchange. “I wouldn’t hold your breath because you’ll be waiting for all eternity,” she says as she stalks passed him.
He laughs at her, it’s deeper and darker than Neal’s chuckle was earlier but the message is the same - she’s a silly girl who either doesn’t know, or can’t admit, what she wants. The presumptuousness of his behaviour stops her in her tracks. Hook, the expert on her that he is, clearly takes this as a sign of acquiescence and comes to stand behind her, “We shall see Swan, we shall see,” he whispers low in her ear before he saunters out of the clearing the same way that he entered.
She collapses against the nearest tree and lets her head bang into the wood. How the hell did this become her life? Not for the first time she regrets the wish she made on that 28th birthday candle. Being alone really doesn’t seem all that bad right now. She gladly give up this island and the two men pawing at her to go back to her old life but then she thinks about Henry and Regina and knows that she could never do it. She can’t begin to imagine life without them anymore which is a terrifying thought when she considers that right at this moment there is still a possibility that she will lose both of them.
Emma places her palms over her face and pushes down onto her eyes. She tells herself she can do this and goes off to find their not so merry band. Her parents have thankfully managed to reign in their emotions and it seems that they will be able to make some progress towards the actual goal of this mission.
They don't manage to make much progress at all before it becomes clear that there is someone else nearby. Her body sings with alertness as she draws her sword. She is itching to enter the fray, and she idly wonders if her frustrations with Neal and Hook are more of a problem than she first thought. It appears that they make her reckless and possibly place her in danger of throwing her life away before they even have a chance to get near Henry but when the source of the disturbance emerges things become clear.
She’s not being drawn to danger, well not the sort of danger she was envisioning, her body was simply reacting to Regina’s proximity. Her arms rise of their own accord, reaching out for what they have been dying to hold, and she has to force them down. She should feel better now that Regina is here but her ache for the brunette is stronger than ever. The missing part of her has returned but it’s not enough. Regina’s is no were near close enough.
Her eyes meet Regina’s and her breath hitches. She can see everything she feels - pain, longing, confusion - reflected in Regina’s eyes and somehow that is sobering. The knowledge that Regina is suffering confirms how important this is to both to them, how important she is to Regina, and the implications of that are staggering. It is enough to dampen her magic heightened desire and prevent her from ripping Regina’s clothes off and pushing her to the ground in front of everyone.
Gold and Regina inform them of their endeavours and achievements and she feels herself flush in indulgent pride at Regina’s conceited explanation that they have done something that has a chance of actually working. There was a time when Regina acting like that made Emma want to hurt her, or at least kiss the smile off her face, but now she finds it endearing. She really is pathetic sometimes.
It already feels as though they have been on this damned island forever but it’s another eon before she is able to talk to Regina. David staggers and clutches his chest in pain causing Mary Margaret to erupt into panic yet again. She is less judgemental than she was earlier. One glance at Regina reminds her that she would be just as anxious as Snow if Regina was the one poisoned and unable to leave the island. Emma doesn’t want to wish suffering on David but she is somewhat relieved when Snow declares that, in spite of David’s protests to the contrary, that they need to stop and rest.
Stopping isn’t in Henry’s interest, she knows that, but her need to save Henry is warring with her need to be with Regina and right now the latter is winning. She makes a declaration of her own and advises them all that she needs to talk with Regina alone. She expected protests but instead she is met with a form of resigned acceptance that she doesn’t understand until Mary Margaret’s eyes dart to Neal. For a second she thinks Snow knows everything but then she realises that they think is about Henry, about how Regina will cope with the idea of Neal’s return and the knowledge that the selfish monarch will once again have to share her son with his father.
Regina plays her part beautifully. She follows Emma with her arms crossed firmly over her chest and a frown etched into her face. If Emma didn’t know better she would swear that Regina was resenting the thought of spending time with her. Her stomach drops when she realises that there is a very real possibility that Regina doesn’t want to spent time with her. They may have affection for one another, and a magically forged connection, but Regina would be well within her rights to want nothing to do with her. The thought worries at her as she chews on her lip and braces herself for possible rejection.
They don’t go far before Regina stops, waving her hand through the air as she turns towards Emma. The air around them shimmers and Emma looks at her curiously. “I thought we could use some privacy,” Regina tells her self-consciously.
“So they,” she jerks her thumb back in the direction that they have come, “won’t be able to see us?”
“Not exactly,” Regina advises her and smiles warmly at the pout this information provokes from Emma, “that would have required more magic and it is best I use it sparingly.” They don’t mention Henry and the danger he is in, they don’t have to.
“So what’s it for?” she points at the haze in the air and it moves to accommodate her hand.
“They won’t be able to hear us,” Regina clarifies.
“All of them?” she asks sceptically.
“The idiots and you’re many, many male admirers won’t. If Gold is determined to eavesdrop on us I don’t think there’s any amount of magic that could stop him but I really don’t think we’re his priority.”
“Fair enough.” She glares at the barrier, “So I guess this means that I can’t touch you.”
“That’s probably for the best, we do need to preserve our energy,” Regina shoots her a hungry look that goes straight to her core.
She shakes her head as though it might be able to remove the effect that Regina has on her, “Well then I guess we have different definitions of ‘for the best’,” she says playfully as she invades Regina’s personal space.
Regina looks at her with eyes that are both angry and wounded and she automatically feels guilty. She is the one who ended things, she is the one who was certain that that was the right decision. The fact that she’s a moth drawn to Regina’s flame doesn’t give her the right to flirt with her. In fact it makes her downright cruel.
“I’m sorry,” she says and it’s disheartening that this echoes what Neal said to her earlier.
“As well you should be, dear,” Regina tells her. It's comforting to realise that this is not simply her dynamic with Neal reversed. It doesn’t mean that she is making better choices in her life, going from a petty criminal to a mass murderer isn’t necessarily a positive step, but she is certainly making different ones. “Are there any sins in particular that you are looking for me to forgive?”
Despite her sincerity, it’s clear that her apology was lacking, “Even the short list is very, very long - I doubt we have time.”
“Your organisational skills remain as abysmal as ever I see,” Regina smiles at her and it’s genuine and it’s almost as though she doesn’t need to be forgiven now.
“They are right up there with my timing,” she replies morosely and has to tear her eyes away from Regina’s face.
“Are we referring to the part where you broke things off immediately after my son was kidnapped?” Regina words are clipped and it’s glaringly obvious to both of them that Emma feels a pain in her gut to hear Regina refer to Henry as hers rather than theirs.
“Yes,” she says because there’s really nothing else she can say.
“I’m not at all condoning what you did but for what it’s worth, there’s really never a good time to break my heart.”
“True,” Emma offers her a timid smile, “but on the topic of my lousy timing I was sorta thinking about what went on before Henry was taken.”
“And here I was labouring under the misapprehension that what went on before was why you made that decision. So claiming that it was about my sacrifice when I tried to save the town was all just an excuse then? Tell me Miss Swan how long did you want me gone from your life?” Regina’s voice is cold and flat but something dark burns behind her eyes and she reminds Emma of the woman that she first met, a woman that she hasn’t seen in a long time she realises.
“Woah, woah, no,” she raises her hands and waves them in surrender, “I never wanted you gone,” she still doesn’t but it’s not fair to tell Regina that, “I panicked about the whole magic bomb thing but that’s not what I was talking about. Tamara and Owen and Hook,” she feels bile rise in her throat over the thought that she kissed the pirate, “they took you, they did things to you, they....they....they....hurt you.”
“The word you are looking for is tortured, Miss Swan,” Regina might be addressing her formally but it’s not the Mayor or the Queen who is talking to her it’s Regina, her Regina.
“Right,” she nods and tries to force away the images that word produces in her mind, “and I was an asshole who focused on my own pain and didn’t even fucking acknowledge what had happened to you. I am the worst.”
“You definitely have your flaws but you are not the worst, Emma.”
“You only say that because you’re worried I’d be competition of you.”
“Please,” Regina waves her hand dismissively, “you are an underachiever, you are hardly a threat to me.” It is in fact an insult and yet Emma finds her face splitting into a grin, only Regina could feel the need to be good at something that she doesn’t even want to be.
“Perhaps not,” she concedes, “but I’m definitely still an asshole who didn’t care what you’d just been through.”
Regina gives her the strangest look, “Asshole or not I’d rather you never lie to me about something like that. I would hate you so much more if you’d delayed breaking up with me just because you thought I was too delicate.”
She tilts her head to the side, “I suspect that’s what good people are supposed to do.”
“I think that we’ve well and truly established that the so called good people,” Regina gestures her head in the direction of David and Mary Margaret, “are imbeciles.”
“David’s managed to get himself poisoned by dreamshade,” she blurts out.
Regina gives a tiny shake of her head and spreads her hands out in a gesture that screams someone save me from these idiots but the only thing she says is, “I see.”
“That’s not what this is about,” she implores. “I mean in case you were wondering if that has something to do with where I’m coming from. It doesn’t except for the fact that him covering it up somehow made me realise that I was an asshole who ignored what you were going through. I didn’t say anything to you about that at the time because I didn’t know how but that doesn’t make it right.”
"Don't worry, dear, that was just a drop in the ocean compared with the things I have been through."
She knows that Regina is trying to be brave but sometimes being reminded of the truth about Regina's life feels like being hit by a tidal wave, “I saw what they did to you. I hate to think about the fact that there are worse things in you past.”
"And in my present," Regina whispers.
"We will get Henry back, I promise."
"Good," Regina replies with a sad smile.
This is so different to the conversation that she had with Neal. This is not about minimization. This is about survival. They both know that they are talking about more than Henry and they both know that it's safer to leave the rest unsaid but it doesn't stop the, "I'm sorry," that involuntary escapes from Emma's lips.
“You’ve mentioned that already,” Regina reminds her with a wry smile.
“It’s still as true as when I told you earlier,” she folds her arms around her chest trying to contain her frustration over her words having more control of the situation than she does.
“You don't need to be, I should be thanking you.”
“Because I helped you with the trigger thingy? You should know by now that saving your life is just part of the deal.”
“Not for that.”
"You don’t think I deserve thanks for that, it was a big effort.” She’s more flippant than she should be but they are on dangerous ground here. Ground that caused her to lose Regina even though Regina lived.
“Don’t make me hurt you Emma,” Regina threatens and Emma knows that the threat is far from idle.
“Fine, why should you be thanking me?”
“For showing me that what I’ve been trying to do is folly.” Emma tries to interrupt but Regina puts her hand up to indicate that she’s not finished talking. “I thought I could change. I thought I could be better. I thought I could atone but I can’t. What I did trying to save Storybrooke was foolish but it was a good thing. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t selfless - I was so fucking angry that I was going to die but I did it anyway because it was the right thing to do. It was the best I could do.”
She feels about two feet tall right now, “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. That wasn’t about you. That was my shit, my baggage.”
“No, don’t you see, that’s the very thing I need to thank you for. You taught me something very important.”
Emma really doesn’t like where this conversation is going, “And what was that?”
“That what I do doesn’t matter. My best will never be good enough. I won’t get what I want, I won’t ever be redeemed.”
“Regina,” she warns because if she said anything else she would break down into tears.
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything stupid. Just because I can’t be redeemed doesn’t mean I’m done trying.”
“You’d keep trying to be better even if there’s no reward in it?”
“For a while there I did think it was all pointless. I considered stringing every single one of you up and flaying you alive.”
“Can I be the first to express my gratitude that that didn’t happen.”
“Don’t express it too soon. The jury’s well and truly still out when it comes to Hook and to be honest I'm not all that keen about having Neal back either.”
She lets out a small laugh, “So this is you trying to do better is it?”
“I haven’t flayed them yet. I think that’s showing incredible restraint.”
“So why not just do it?” she asks completely unsure whether she wants to know the answer.
“I cast that curse because I believed my life could be better and I still believe it can. I can do better, I can be better, even if no one sees it but me. I might die a villain in the eyes of everyone else but I will find a way to convince myself that I’m more,” she pauses as though sifting through words to try and come up with something appropriate, “tolerable.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Don’t say anything just yet. I will confess that my desire to be tolerable has lessened in the wake of learning that Neal is alive.”
“You really don’t cope well with being wrong do you?” Emma can’t help but smirk at Regina.
“It’s not something that I’m particularly fond of, no. I am also not fond of learning that your suitors appear to be multiplying.”
“Are you unhappy he’s alive?” She wants to tell Regina that she had wished Neal was dead but she doesn’t go that far.
“I’m not thrilled with having to add a third person to Henry’s parenting roster. He has enough parents,” Regina says firmly.
“You’d let him have custody?” she wonders if she sounds as incredulous as she feels.
“Of course not but he could take him to a ball game of some sort of equally appropriate male bonding activity.”
“So Neal’s not the reason that you left?”
“Not entirely,” Regina seems uncomfortable at that confession.
Warmth bubbles in her in response to Regina’s honesty. “So you were jealous?” the triumph in her voice is unattractive and uncalled for but she doesn’t care because her heart is soaring.
“Emma....you want me but you don’t. I guess I feared if he were alive that he might be, well....,” Regina trails off and looks away.
“A better choice?” she asks gently
“An easier choice,” Regina corrects with distain.
“He does lack your complexity,” Emma admits with more adoration than is appropriate under the circumstances.
“Everyone was so willing to believe that he was alive. They were all alight with excitement.” Regina makes it sound like there has never been a larger atrocity committed.
“By everyone you do you mean me?”
“I don’t exactly care what those other morons think or feel.”
She smiles at Regina, because how can she not? “I thought I was the one who ran.”
“Maybe we should keep it that way, I don’t think I’m very good at it.” The concept of the unacceptable nature of failure is written on Regina’s face in a scowl.
“What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter”
“Oh my god,” light dawns for her, “you missed me, you wanted to come back.”
Regina looks away and her voice is soft when she says, “Clearly I am almost as big of an idiot as you and your parents.”
“I missed you too.”
“Good,” Regina voice cracks a little.
“Don’t leave me again. I do stupid things when you’re not here.”
“You do stupid things all of the time dear,” there is no bite to Regina’s words.
“No, really stupid things like telling Mary Margaret that I kissed Hook.”
Regina face is somehow red and pale all at once. “Why would you tell her that?”
Emma can feel the rage that Regina is trying desperately to contain, “Because she wouldn’t stop harping on about Neal being back and she acted as though our perfect future was set in stone. She was moments away from designing a bridesmaid's dress for you.”
“I will never be your bridesmaid Emma,” Regina says angrily.
“Of course you won’t,” the thought fills Emma with complete dread. Bridesmaid is not at all the role she would want Regina to have in her wedding party. She shuts down thoughts of Regina in white before she completely loses herself in that fantasy, “I couldn’t have you up there outshining me and my betrothed.”
“And you say this never having seen me in formal wear,” there’s a hint of challenge to Regina’s tone.
“I guess I will have to work on creating a reason to see you like that then.” She makes the mistake of catching Regina’s eyes and suddenly this is all too real. They are flushed and breathing in synch and dreaming of a future that may never be theirs to have.
“If you marry Neal I’m certainly going to wear something that highlights all of my assets.”
Emma nearly has a stroke at the thought alone. “I am not going to marry Neal and I was just trying to get Mary Margaret to accept that reality.”
“And to do this you needed to bring up the fact that you let Hook put his filthy, diseased tongue in your mouth?” there’s a hopeless quality to Regina’s ire.
“Yes. Yes I did,” see says emphatically.
“I see,” Regina’s lips are pressed into a firm line and her fists are balled.
“It did what I needed to do. It stopped the talk of my destiny with Neal.”
“Did it at least upset Snow?” Regina asks with far too much hope for a woman who wants to redeem herself.
“I think it probably did.” Regina’s face breaks into a slow smile. “Although I suspect the truth about why I am not interested in her version of my future would have hurt her even more. I’m sorry if it disappoints you that I didn’t tell her about you when that could have hurt her more.”
“You’re forgiven,” Regina tells her with affection, “and thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not using what we had in that way.”
“I would never!” she exclaims. “I could never.”
Regina steps closer and fingers stretch up to caress Emma’s hair but Regina apparently rethinks the move and her hand falls impotently by her side. “We are not together any more Emma.”
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be, which is a ridiculous thought for her to have given she's the one who ended their relationship. “Maybe not but I would never use our relationship to hurt anyone. We deserve a better ending than that.”
“If you are looking for good endings I am the wrong person to have attached yourself to.” It sounds like self-pity but it’s said with simple acceptance.
“I don’t think so.”
“Then you are a fool,” Regina tells her but she smiles at Emma all the same.
Emma smiles back and is about to tell her just how much of a fool she is - that she doesn’t want this to be over, that she wants them to find a way to make things work - when Neal appears at the barrier. “It’s time to move on,” he informs them whilst looking at her as though he is rescuing her from an unpleasant situation.
“Okay,” she replies but her only move is to step closer to Regina so she can whisper in her ear. “Just so you know, Neal might be Henry’s father but he’s not part of our family.”
Regina squeezes her arm in thanks but her eyes dance with mirth as she says, “I never once thought he was.”
Emma keeps her voice low as she says, “Oh and one last thing, that kiss with Hook was all about the magic roofie that you’d given me. I only wanted to kiss you but you weren’t standing there and in your absence I would have kissed anyone. Shit, I might have tried to kiss David.”
She shudders at the thought but Regina gives her a cool gaze and states, “Well that would have made two of us.”
“Woah....what....wait,” she splutters but Regina is already striding away.
She shakes her head and follows after her. Neal catches Emma’s arm when she reaches him and gives her a sympathetic look, “That woman is a piece of work isn’t she?”
“She sure is,” she says a tone that is clearly more wistful than Neal was expecting.
He gives her a strange look, “When things settle down I really do want us to talk.”
“If you want,” she replies and she finds that she is not as annoyed with the request as she would have been only an hour ago. Everything is better now that Regina is back. She is better now that Regina is back.