You've been told this multiple times, but Shakespearean characters (in general) do not exclusively speak in iambic pentameter. Nor do they exclusively speak in block text. Intelligent characters (which Horatio is) swap between iambic pentameter and prose depending on the circumstances. Your argument about spoken performances is, I think under camp circumstances, irrelevant. The characters are hearing Horatio speak. The players, on the other hand, are reading him speak. The players also have studied Shakespeare at either secondary or tertiary level, which means we have certain expectations for what is required for a Shakespearean character. One of these expectations is that we as readers can identify Horatio's state of mind purely by the way you structure his replies. We are not getting this sense because you are not choosing to acknowledge this fundamental quirk to Shakespearean characters.
This causes other problems too! As the anon has stated, the class your character belongs to indicates how they would speak. The upper class citizens speak very differently to the lower class and Shakespeare is very clear as to the class divide. When intelligent, well educated, upper class characters choose to speak in a certain way, there is a reason for it. The anon cites Brutus and how he is aware enough of the mob to consciously change his speech patterns to address them. By not adjusting and changing Horatio's speech patterns, you're telling us, the readers, that Horatio regards everyone in camp as beneath him and that he has to talk down to them in order to communicate. This isn't really what Horatio is about in canon, I assume is not your intention but yet, it's still coming through. (Some of this, of course, may be linked to the problems you have with Shunsui also being perceived as condescending and belittling to most people at camp) This is especially problematic when Horatio encounters anyone with qualifications past grade nine or ten and who was good at English - they expect him to speak in a certain way and then he doesn't.
Moving on! You mention that Horatio will pick up new words and use them, as he's a scholar. While Shakespeare does create quite a few words in the course of his writing ("bubble" immediately comes to mind!), what I'm not so sold on is the idea that Horatio will pick up new words in the course of his time here and understand their full meaning. How could he? He's from before the Industrial Revolution! Western society has changed dramatically over this four hundred year period (I doubt Shakespeare could have even conceived of the idea of contracting your labour out!) and while he may learn to get a general feeling of what is being said (if the learning process took place over a long period of time), I can't see Horatio choosing to use the words. It's alien to him - he's learning to mimic someone without understanding what it is that he's speaking - and I can see him refusing to use this bastardisation of the good Danish (even if it's written as English) that he speaks. But that's a personal interpretation, and you can disregard it as you will.
(And yes, I'm quite aware that you're not writing in Old English. I can read Horatio's comments without reference to a dictionary and a German grammar book.)
In reply to your quick note, I'm afraid that I have tried to talk to you in the past about Shunsui's characterisation through email. I don't have your permission to quote the email and so I won't. I'm going to say however that your response was not one of someone interested in two way communication with anyone outside of select group.
You've been told this multiple times, but Shakespearean characters (in general) do not exclusively speak in iambic pentameter. Nor do they exclusively speak in block text. Intelligent characters (which Horatio is) swap between iambic pentameter and prose depending on the circumstances. Your argument about spoken performances is, I think under camp circumstances, irrelevant. The characters are hearing Horatio speak. The players, on the other hand, are reading him speak. The players also have studied Shakespeare at either secondary or tertiary level, which means we have certain expectations for what is required for a Shakespearean character. One of these expectations is that we as readers can identify Horatio's state of mind purely by the way you structure his replies. We are not getting this sense because you are not choosing to acknowledge this fundamental quirk to Shakespearean characters.
This causes other problems too! As the anon has stated, the class your character belongs to indicates how they would speak. The upper class citizens speak very differently to the lower class and Shakespeare is very clear as to the class divide. When intelligent, well educated, upper class characters choose to speak in a certain way, there is a reason for it. The anon cites Brutus and how he is aware enough of the mob to consciously change his speech patterns to address them. By not adjusting and changing Horatio's speech patterns, you're telling us, the readers, that Horatio regards everyone in camp as beneath him and that he has to talk down to them in order to communicate. This isn't really what Horatio is about in canon, I assume is not your intention but yet, it's still coming through. (Some of this, of course, may be linked to the problems you have with Shunsui also being perceived as condescending and belittling to most people at camp) This is especially problematic when Horatio encounters anyone with qualifications past grade nine or ten and who was good at English - they expect him to speak in a certain way and then he doesn't.
Moving on! You mention that Horatio will pick up new words and use them, as he's a scholar. While Shakespeare does create quite a few words in the course of his writing ("bubble" immediately comes to mind!), what I'm not so sold on is the idea that Horatio will pick up new words in the course of his time here and understand their full meaning. How could he? He's from before the Industrial Revolution! Western society has changed dramatically over this four hundred year period (I doubt Shakespeare could have even conceived of the idea of contracting your labour out!) and while he may learn to get a general feeling of what is being said (if the learning process took place over a long period of time), I can't see Horatio choosing to use the words. It's alien to him - he's learning to mimic someone without understanding what it is that he's speaking - and I can see him refusing to use this bastardisation of the good Danish (even if it's written as English) that he speaks. But that's a personal interpretation, and you can disregard it as you will.
(And yes, I'm quite aware that you're not writing in Old English. I can read Horatio's comments without reference to a dictionary and a German grammar book.)
In reply to your quick note, I'm afraid that I have tried to talk to you in the past about Shunsui's characterisation through email. I don't have your permission to quote the email and so I won't. I'm going to say however that your response was not one of someone interested in two way communication with anyone outside of select group.
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