Silence and Purpose
I'm tired of distraction. It's constant and antagonistic. I want everything to be still, and free of noise. Even my dog and cat are a nuisance when I'm trying to think. I don't dislike them. But there are no moments of peace in my head. Should I get ear plugs again? My head is empty. Every second I attempt to have a clear, independent thought, one of my senses is pulled in a direction I don't want them to go. It's a complete lack of focus. Nothing is my own. I'm pushed around like a bumper car.
What did I do as a child? Why did I do it? I sat in my room and made things in silence. Just, anything. For no reason, and for no one. For myself. Was it out of discovery because everything was new? This is what I cannot remember. The exact why. But I know it was not to be seen by others.
In my teen years I made things for love, and to prove love. And the things that were made still hold immeasurable weight. They were not for the general public, but if the public saw them, there was no embarrassment and no regret.
In my 20's I told people I wasn't going to make art and show it. And then I did. I became addicted to attention and revenge. I had ideas, and I abused them.
Now, I feel that making anything is useless. I've started feeling this way since I took a "break" in 2011. This includes every activity a human being can possibly do, and not just art. I don't want to do anything that doesn't directly glorify God. I'm no longer full of hatred and in need of catharsis. Unfortunately this has led me to a complete, paralytic mental state.
I want to take the time to think again, free of distraction. Even if I never make anything again, I guess I just want to clear my head. Because I don't know what I'd do with that kind of clarity; what I should do with it that isn't useless.