(no subject)
Insane ramblings that no one should read. I don't even know why I'm writing this down. DON'T READ!
I don't think things could be more insane as of late. Things have been happening that I have no control over. I won't I can't control these things. And I wish I could.
I wish I could tell everyone how much what's been happening worries me. I mean, I don't even know why I'm focusing on this. It's no big deal. It's--
I think I'm dying.
It scares me more then anything in my life. I can feel my throat close and choke on tears.
I think everyone knows that I am too. Just no one wants to admit it. 'Cept for Buffy. 'Cause B knows what it's like I guess. I think she can see it.
And the thing is, I can't talk about it. No one wants me to talk like this. No know wants to hear the truth. Everyone's so prepared to say, "We're not going to let you die."
I have to wonder if there's a choice in the matter.
If maybe one of these days I'll feel like I did tonight.
My throat closing in on me.
The uncontrollable convulsing.
The lights so bright that they make my head spin with dizziness.
My stomach knoting and my son's kicking slowing down along with my own movements.
All this pain flowing through each muscle like a sleeping agent.
Like being smothered with my own pillow.
And that one chill that runs slowly down my back and makes little goosebumps.
Is that what dying feels like?
Is that my future?
I don't mean to be pessimistic, really. But I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.
I've never been afraid of death.
I usually laugh in the face of it.
And hey, let's have a list of what's happened:
~Kakistose - Killed my first watcher and nearly me. Gave him a nasty looking scar and impaled him though.
~Sisterhood of Jhe - Hm... Not really, but kinda reminded of them. Bitch dislocated my shoulder.
~Watcher's Council - Hey, aren't they still after to kill me?
~Buffy - Okay, yes, I do realized I was evil at this point in my life, but do you have any idea how much it hurts to have a ten inch knife stuck in your gut? Wicked painful. But, I'm think I'm glad that she did it. I don't regret. One thing I've learned from life is that regreting doesn't get you anywhere.
~Angel - After the body switching incident... Got hired/off by an evil law firm to kill him. Ended up torturing Wes and knocking out Cordelia. And yet Angel wouldn't come after me. I knew that he could beat me. He knew that he could beat me. I'm pretty sure I remember Angel asking me, "You feel young, - do you, Faith? - You're looking pretty worn out to me. " and I remember fighting him. and I remember asking him begging him to kill me.
There was a time I would have welcomed my own death.
But, it's not like that now.
I just want to live.
I want to see my son take his first steps. Say his first words, 'Cause I'm pretty sure it's gonna be 'daddy.'
I want to see him grow up, and read him books. I want him to teach me.
I want to live to see 50, like I promised Dawnie.
I want to be here for Xand. 'Cause I see everytime I get weak, in his eyes, he falls apart and crumbles. I want to be here for him. To love him. To make love to him. To laugh and see the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. I want to go on a freakin' date with him. I want to slow dance with him until my knees get weak. And I want to spend my life with him. I want to wake up each day with him by my side, and go to bed with him and curl into that place under his arm and against his side that seems like it was just made for me.
God...
I don't want to die.
I don't think things could be more insane as of late. Things have been happening that I have no control over. I won't I can't control these things. And I wish I could.
I wish I could tell everyone how much what's been happening worries me. I mean, I don't even know why I'm focusing on this. It's no big deal. It's--
I think I'm dying.
It scares me more then anything in my life. I can feel my throat close and choke on tears.
I think everyone knows that I am too. Just no one wants to admit it. 'Cept for Buffy. 'Cause B knows what it's like I guess. I think she can see it.
And the thing is, I can't talk about it. No one wants me to talk like this. No know wants to hear the truth. Everyone's so prepared to say, "We're not going to let you die."
I have to wonder if there's a choice in the matter.
If maybe one of these days I'll feel like I did tonight.
My throat closing in on me.
The uncontrollable convulsing.
The lights so bright that they make my head spin with dizziness.
My stomach knoting and my son's kicking slowing down along with my own movements.
All this pain flowing through each muscle like a sleeping agent.
Like being smothered with my own pillow.
And that one chill that runs slowly down my back and makes little goosebumps.
Is that what dying feels like?
Is that my future?
I don't mean to be pessimistic, really. But I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.
I've never been afraid of death.
I usually laugh in the face of it.
And hey, let's have a list of what's happened:
~Kakistose - Killed my first watcher and nearly me. Gave him a nasty looking scar and impaled him though.
~Sisterhood of Jhe - Hm... Not really, but kinda reminded of them. Bitch dislocated my shoulder.
~Watcher's Council - Hey, aren't they still after to kill me?
~Buffy - Okay, yes, I do realized I was evil at this point in my life, but do you have any idea how much it hurts to have a ten inch knife stuck in your gut? Wicked painful. But, I'm think I'm glad that she did it. I don't regret. One thing I've learned from life is that regreting doesn't get you anywhere.
~Angel - After the body switching incident... Got hired/off by an evil law firm to kill him. Ended up torturing Wes and knocking out Cordelia. And yet Angel wouldn't come after me. I knew that he could beat me. He knew that he could beat me. I'm pretty sure I remember Angel asking me, "You feel young, - do you, Faith? - You're looking pretty worn out to me. " and I remember fighting him. and I remember asking him begging him to kill me.
There was a time I would have welcomed my own death.
But, it's not like that now.
I just want to live.
I want to see my son take his first steps. Say his first words, 'Cause I'm pretty sure it's gonna be 'daddy.'
I want to see him grow up, and read him books. I want him to teach me.
I want to live to see 50, like I promised Dawnie.
I want to be here for Xand. 'Cause I see everytime I get weak, in his eyes, he falls apart and crumbles. I want to be here for him. To love him. To make love to him. To laugh and see the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. I want to go on a freakin' date with him. I want to slow dance with him until my knees get weak. And I want to spend my life with him. I want to wake up each day with him by my side, and go to bed with him and curl into that place under his arm and against his side that seems like it was just made for me.
God...
I don't want to die.