damnit i only have like six icons. what the f?

Jul 17, 2006 13:09

So…I’m making my triumphant return to the internet. Ahhhh sweet sweet bliss. So much has happened. So, grab a drink, perhaps a snack and turn off the t.v. and or music because its gonna be a long read honey pies.
Well, where to begin? It seems like a lifetime has gone by since I actually had the internet. And I know, I know, I suck at keeping in touch when it comes to not having the internet or a phone. I’m truly sorry about that darlings. Though I’ve meant to find alternative means of keeping in touch, its just been a hectic ride since I typed the last entry that said something like ‘I’ll be disappearing again soon’. first off, I’m fine. Skye’s fine. Steve’s fine. We’re all fine. Secondly, I have truly missed you guys. I don’t think I ever realized how much a lot of you mean to me in general, until you know I go like two + months without talking to any of you. Especially you Tracy, Tange, Sheryl, Chele and Sara. I missed you five in so many ways. I can’t tell you how lost I’ve felt at times, when I needed a friend. So know that, while I was gone I thought about you guys a lot. So…lets get this started. So much has happened. My aunt went psycho crazy drug addict bitch on us all and “tried to kill herself” by overdosing on her seizure medicine. She did it intentionally knowing that she wouldn’t die, but only have a very very bad seizure. This spiraled into a series of events that just…put light on a lot of things when it comes to my family. She was taken to the hospital, and my 17 year old cousin who is said to be mentally challenged (but who actually isn’t. she’s just really immature because she’s treated like a ten year old) stayed at my moms house. Though after school and into the night she was with me while the momz worked. This was supposed to last all of one day. ONE DAY. It ended up lasting close to two weeks because her mom (the aforementioned psycho crazy aunt) decided it was in her best interest to stay for a while in a… well the place where they take most people who attempt suicide. She didn’t actually try to kill herself. Though that could have been the outcome, its not like she hasn’t done this before. Trust me. SHE HAS. And the rest of my family, my moms side, they all just expected my mom and I to step in and take over her motherly duties until she got back. Without even asking. They just sort of…demanded. Then I realized how much my moms family hasn’t really been there for my mom and my brothers and myself at all. They expect so much from us, and I know, I just know that to them we’re like the black sheep in the family. My mom got married straight out of high school and though that ended in divorce when she met my father, I think its just been an uphill battle with her and the rest of the family since then. She’s worked hard for everything she has. We all have. But yet, they can never find it in themselves to be there for us in our times of need. (I.e. when my parents split, the many times my dad beat my mom, when things were just going bad in general) so I guess that caused a little bit of turmoil between everyone. Then my brother moved his girlfriend in, who in all honesty is nothing more then a lying manipulative person. Its gotten to the point where my mom and brother don’t even talk without arguing. Because his girlfriend has gotten in the way, yet my mom continues to treat her like a daughter. Mainly just to keep my brother pacified until he gets off his lazy ass and decides to move out. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my brother Jordan. He’s one of my best friends, and trust me that too was an uphill battle. I just…he’s just made some bad decisions here and there and I don’t think he knows how to get up from that ya know.
And, in my absence, between handling my extended family and all of my crazy psycho crackwhore aunts problems and really trying at making this thing between steve and I get better, I’ve decided to go back to school. Now I know I’ve been saying I’m going to. But this time, I’m ready. I’m ready to. And I want to and I can’t wait to. But let me tell you, when you decide you’re going for one thing and your younger brother (this one being james not Jordan) tells you that you’re too smart to go back to school for what you want to go for and then you realize ‘yea he’s right. I’m better then that and I’m under estimating myself. I should stop being scared and go back to college for what I really want to do’ and then you decide with everything inside of you, that you’d really rather go back and get a bachelors degree in journalism and you put all of your hope and faith in that because (aside from photography) that’s truly what your passion is and then you tell your mom and she tells you essentially that, that will take you no where. And implies that you’re just not good enough to do that…I tell ya, it’ll break a person to hear that. But, I’ve decided, I can live my life doing what others want me to do. And be what others want me to be. OR. I can do what I want to do. And be what I want to be. And, god damn it, I want to be the best journalist I can be. I want to be a good mother and a good fiance (and one day a wife) and a good daughter and a good sister and a good friend. I want to help others. I want to do something to help my community, my country. I just…I just want. And I’m going to do, and be. With or without her support. I hope and pray for her support, but if I don’t get it I know I will else where. And that’s fine.
And… because with no phone, no more then five television channels, and no internet I’ve sadly grown accustomed to watching dr. phil. Now as sad as that is (because I truly think he has no clue what he’s talking about some of the time) I have learnt something from him. Its about forgiveness. I’ve been searching deep within myself to find the strength to forgive people I’ve never felt deserved my forgiveness. I’ve looked, and tried, and hoped for the tools I need to forgive people, and situations. To let things go. A lot of things go. And all of the heart to heart talks with friends, and all of the hoping and wishing, and all of the believing and all of the faith, and all of the tears and nights that I spent up crying, and searching within my very being to just find one single ounce of forgiveness…and all along, it was just a choice. It wasn’t something that should happen. It wasn’t a feeling that just would wash over my body one day. It was just a choice. A mental note to say ‘hey you know what I’m not going to live my life with these feelings of hatred weighing me down.’ its simply a choice. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve made the choice to forgive. To forgive heather for doing what she did. For trying to break up my family. I forgive her. I feel sorry for her. I sympathize for her. And I hope one day, her life will be good enough that she will no longer find it necessary to bring others down to the level she’s at. That one day, she will respect herself and others enough to know what is right and what is wrong. For herself, for her child, and for others. And… I just am letting go of it.
That being said, I should also state that I did get her fired. Now it was entirely not my fault. I simply went through the drive thru while she was working, and she refused to do her job while I was at the window. Which in turn caused a lot of things to be said, and a lot of things to happen. Then she was fired. It’s one of those direct result type of things. I did one thing, and as a direct result of that she ended up losing her job. I thought I’d be happy about that. I ended up realizing I didn’t care any longer.

I also found out that my favorite uncle in the entire world, whom I haven’t seen since I was like eleven because he lives in Virginia or west Virginia. One of those. Is in the hospital and has to have triple bypass surgery (or is it quadruple? Do that do that?) yea. He’s like 45 and the doctors told him he has the heart of a 90 year old. He drinks a 12 pack of soda (and one of beer) a day. Smokes three packs a day. And well there are a lot of other things he’s done in his life. And he’s just not doing well at all. Its not helping that he’s supposed to be on this special diet and that he’s diabetic and his idiot wife keeps bringing him burger king and stuff. They’ve delayed the surgery by a week already because of her. I’m just…I hope that nothing happens to him and that he makes it through this. My grandpa had the same surgery a few years back, but he’s active and he doesn’t smoke or drink alcohol or soda. He rarely eats out, so he was okay. He made it through it fine, but its not like that for my uncle. And I fear for him right now. I haven’t seen him in so long and honestly if he doesn’t make it through this surgery I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for not calling him or writing him in the past couple years. So I’m really worried about that.

So aside from that, the only other things I’ve done…well lets see. I’ve cut my hair (stacy Dupree style!), dyed it a record six times in three weeks, got a kitten. Lost my kitten. Pierced my ears three times. Made many collages. Realized that I am really, really (and also very, very suddenly) interested in fashion, and makeup, and hair, and…I just realized how much of a girl I suddenly am. I’ve heard my still three and a half months away from being two year old daughter count to eight. Seen my dad at least six times, which is also a record. Bought two new purses, one new skirt, one new pair of shoes and about twenty two magazines. Loved harder then I’ve loved in a long time, accidentally taught my child how to call someone a fat ass (I swear I didn’t mean to. If it weren’t from me getting sort of road ragey and calling some lady that she wouldn’t have picked up on it) worked quite a bit, spent time with my brothers, missed friends, caught up with old friends. Missed a panic! At the disco concert, found myself surprisingly upset about that, named my ipod george, considered selling george (that’s still up in the air) written approximately fifteen “journal” entries that I’m sure you’ll eventually hear of or read. “discovered” new music. Found out one of my closest friends is gonna have another baby, saw that friend (who I now miss so freaking much its not fair)

It’s also only fair that I tell you I’ve promised steve that I won’t spend quite as much time on the internet as before. Now I never thought I actually spent that much time on the net, especially when you factor in the fact that that’s one of the only ways I keep in touch with my friends. But now that I’m spending no time on the net I realized that it was a little too much. It wasn’t like I sat on the computer all day, I’d just get on for like a half hour and then get off for like 45 minutes and get back on for a while. I’d repeat that through the day. I get up around 9 or 10 every morning, steve’s already at work. He usually comes home between 3 and 5. Then I go to work. I’m home no later then 9. Unless I got to my moms. Then its like 10. And he’s in bed already. I usually stay up til 1 nowadays (gotta watch sex and the city lol) and its usually not later then that ever. Which sucks. This whole going to bed earlier and getting up earlier sucks. But isn’t that life? I mean I can’t sleep my life away. Well I could but that wouldn’t be good. Or smart. So what I’m saying is that I probably won’t be on the net too much. Probably for like an hour in the afternoon (which is more then likely to be dedicated to chats on y!m) and then a few hours after I get home from work and he’s in bed and skye’s asleep.

So that has been the last two months of my life in a nutshell. Though I’m sure I’ve left things out all that matters is you get the gist of everything and hey I’m back! Sorry about my prolonged absence. I tell you I suck at some things. I’m leaving this entry public. At least for the time being. So if I’ve given you the URL to it through a message on myspace (which is bound to be the truth for a few of you reading this) then leave me a comment, even if you don’t have an lj you still can. And if you’re reading this because you’re on my friends list then you better leave me a comment (um seriously don’t you think I deserve that much? I’ve been without my precious internet for two months. I honestly got twitchy. And besides, I’ll be a mad comment whore for a while, you know until you all know how much I missed you ) so that’s it. How the fuck are you guys? (sorry about the random f bomb. I can’t help it)

Ah also here’s a list of sites that I sort of need the URL to since I lost everything on my computer when I did a full system recovery (don’t worry, I saved all the pics and music and stuff on cd’s. I just lost all my favorites links)

The divorce
The sequel to the divorce
Catapult
The you in you (same site as hair like fire)
The taylor/cleo series
Paper flowers
Holy scrubs (someone better cough that url up. I loved this story)
Perfect girl
Steal her away

I think that’s it, but I’ll probably add more as I remember them.

Love love loves!!!!! (lovesies in a mad way)

James (jamie for those of you who aren’t regulars to my lj and don’t know that that is what tracy calls
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