That faithful Fall
This entry is a sad remenicence of my past mistakes. If you dont feel like reading something sad, or are in a good mood i it may not be in your best intrest to read this. I am not doing this for pitty, so please dont take it that way or anything. I felt i should get that out of the way so people didnt get sad or anything of the such because i wish to get feelings out as hope to feel eliviated about it more so...
It all started in the fall. The leaves turning to such beautiful colors, everyone wearing scarfs, the world was a wonderland. At the time I had been playing an online game in which was very dramatic and i was foolish. I hope i have learned from my mistakes: long distance doesnt work, especially if youve never even seen the person. As I said, i was very foolish.
At the time the football games were going on and I went to them frequently with my friends. Also, i would go with my friends to the dances afterwards, evnen though I'm, or atleast was at the time, abit of a wall flower. Something at these dances made me finally face up to ending my foolishness though the video game, which I am very glad of looking back. The dances were fun, i was able to socialize as i never seem to do and I also was able to meet other wall flowerish people like me.
The times following the dances and into the school year and after school and such soon became some of the happiest of my days. But i was still foolish, i was too used to the iead of seclusion and enjoyed the ability to socialize with those who ment most to me. This was when i began to fall to my flaws. I began to ask and ask more frequently to hang out and such. I began to fall into something that, looking back, i wish i could have changed. I wish i could have gone back and told my self to cool off or I will regret it extremely. For little did i know, that a culmination of my imperfections would soon leave me in the dust.
It all started one night at another game. I was exited about something, fueled by a friend, who no fault of theres yet only mine, powered my ambitions wrongfully. I turned something just as fun into a game of wit as i saw it. This led me to fall to yet another flaw soon after: My own recklace stuborness and idiocy. Later, soon days after I began a conversation that i may regret for a very very long time. Looking back, it seems almost as if i had been taken by a demon, but blaming it on such only makes me run away from what I must face. For that night i only fell victim to my own selfishness and stuborness. I had already pushed it to the edge almost before, someone wanted time with other friends, and me being the attention craven idiot I was or am didnt want to see it that way. I would give anything to go back to that day, an older person, and tell myself the magnitude of what i was doing, slap myself across the face, and be happier. But i know i am not able, so i may be forced to live woth my desision for the rest of my life. I dont know if it was best that way or not, this way i thought i may have learned from my mistakes...but i was wrong.
A couple months later, lonely and tired of it, I did something i would regret later. It wasnt even anything big, but trying new ideals i went with it and landed myself in a situation much like durring the fall. I repeated my own mistakes of being too close and clingy and I payed the price, yet this time wasnt as bad, for i almost had wished for it. I will not disclose why, but it is not the fault of the person, not the fault of anyone.
Days go on throughout the year, so on in my cloudy ways. I was too afraid to risk what i had done near the end of the year, dreading that it would have the same outcome. This part may be a bit confusing because Im not stating waht it is, only small ideas, I am sorry for this inconvenance. I moved into yet another area i didnt wish for. A state of confusion due to lonelyness. I stuck myself to one idea, yet it was still selfish of me. I hurt more peoples hearts in turn of my waywardness due to my own lonelyness. Now here I am, almost able to conquer this problem of mine, yet afraid of which problem I mus face around the corner.
I have learned much from those faithfull days since fall. I had gotten a little of what i had not had in a long time and I abused it. I look back to those times, I would write poetry of beauty, the poems still hold true yet I hod them in, in fear that they may never come and I will have been generating lies. I have been causious of my actions and thinking even, trying to sensor my thoughts in that aspect so defeat would be easier may it come. I sit in the night longing for a second chance, but if it is my duty to not have one and learn than so be it.
Evem now though I undo myself, for in dweling over such thoughts for so long seems obsession, and that of which is a scarry thing. Yet it is not this way, it is not always on my mind. It is such a thing thst reacurs from time to time and due to my over anistalisy i entertain it while alone in my room stairing at a blank screen or with my eyes closed, hands relaxed behind my head. Though this may be my own undoing, i fear if i dont get this out this will continue and time added to such a thing is not good. I wish somehow it will be resolved, weather for good or bad, yet I am too afraid to face it head on in fear of rejection, thus i hide as a coward in LJ. The events that have happened that i recite here have been my fault and my fault alone. One thing i will admit si my mistakes to all I have done, all I have hurt and all who worry.
I have realized these event have made me afraid and unsafe in my own mind in some situations. It has made me recluse around my the one clostest to me. I fear that if i advance in this area and it was incorrectly that I will have my heart broken once again, I just dont want to take that chance. It is my own undoing, it is my own burden, yet I pray to God for reslove.
Yes, God has been with my in all of this. He has given me comfort in my hardships. He has been there when i see something that moves me to cry for the mistakes i have made and he has told me "Hush now child, Its gonna be ok." He has been the rock I stand on even more so in these tough times, for i realize Him more and more each day and week. I am glad for one among many things of what has happend in that fall, and that is for the youth group i atend. Had i not been brought into this youth group, it is very possible, showed the things ive face this year, that I would have faultered in God. That would be to me a far, far greater thing to happen than what petty things have happend in my life this year. I pray Lord, please be with me and all of the people out there as they struggle through hard times, no matter how trivial of extreme the matter may be, help them and guid them. In the Lord Jesus name I pray Amen.
These have been the events of my life this past year. IM sure those of you who read it will be able to think of much worse problems you have survived than mine, for i know mine are trivial. Yet in a world secluded to my room most days, by my own lack of reaching out, I have not much opertunity for drama. This though I am happy of, for i have heard much worse, and I am sure there is much worse to hear that is not spoken. I like to think the first step of recocling this, of course, was giving it to God which i beliive i have done, and the second step is giving it to the public, the ones i have hurt may they forgive me as well.
A note to the future, to you, and to everyone else,
sincerly,
Jon Owen.
It all started in the fall. The leaves turning to such beautiful colors, everyone wearing scarfs, the world was a wonderland. At the time I had been playing an online game in which was very dramatic and i was foolish. I hope i have learned from my mistakes: long distance doesnt work, especially if youve never even seen the person. As I said, i was very foolish.
At the time the football games were going on and I went to them frequently with my friends. Also, i would go with my friends to the dances afterwards, evnen though I'm, or atleast was at the time, abit of a wall flower. Something at these dances made me finally face up to ending my foolishness though the video game, which I am very glad of looking back. The dances were fun, i was able to socialize as i never seem to do and I also was able to meet other wall flowerish people like me.
The times following the dances and into the school year and after school and such soon became some of the happiest of my days. But i was still foolish, i was too used to the iead of seclusion and enjoyed the ability to socialize with those who ment most to me. This was when i began to fall to my flaws. I began to ask and ask more frequently to hang out and such. I began to fall into something that, looking back, i wish i could have changed. I wish i could have gone back and told my self to cool off or I will regret it extremely. For little did i know, that a culmination of my imperfections would soon leave me in the dust.
It all started one night at another game. I was exited about something, fueled by a friend, who no fault of theres yet only mine, powered my ambitions wrongfully. I turned something just as fun into a game of wit as i saw it. This led me to fall to yet another flaw soon after: My own recklace stuborness and idiocy. Later, soon days after I began a conversation that i may regret for a very very long time. Looking back, it seems almost as if i had been taken by a demon, but blaming it on such only makes me run away from what I must face. For that night i only fell victim to my own selfishness and stuborness. I had already pushed it to the edge almost before, someone wanted time with other friends, and me being the attention craven idiot I was or am didnt want to see it that way. I would give anything to go back to that day, an older person, and tell myself the magnitude of what i was doing, slap myself across the face, and be happier. But i know i am not able, so i may be forced to live woth my desision for the rest of my life. I dont know if it was best that way or not, this way i thought i may have learned from my mistakes...but i was wrong.
A couple months later, lonely and tired of it, I did something i would regret later. It wasnt even anything big, but trying new ideals i went with it and landed myself in a situation much like durring the fall. I repeated my own mistakes of being too close and clingy and I payed the price, yet this time wasnt as bad, for i almost had wished for it. I will not disclose why, but it is not the fault of the person, not the fault of anyone.
Days go on throughout the year, so on in my cloudy ways. I was too afraid to risk what i had done near the end of the year, dreading that it would have the same outcome. This part may be a bit confusing because Im not stating waht it is, only small ideas, I am sorry for this inconvenance. I moved into yet another area i didnt wish for. A state of confusion due to lonelyness. I stuck myself to one idea, yet it was still selfish of me. I hurt more peoples hearts in turn of my waywardness due to my own lonelyness. Now here I am, almost able to conquer this problem of mine, yet afraid of which problem I mus face around the corner.
I have learned much from those faithfull days since fall. I had gotten a little of what i had not had in a long time and I abused it. I look back to those times, I would write poetry of beauty, the poems still hold true yet I hod them in, in fear that they may never come and I will have been generating lies. I have been causious of my actions and thinking even, trying to sensor my thoughts in that aspect so defeat would be easier may it come. I sit in the night longing for a second chance, but if it is my duty to not have one and learn than so be it.
Evem now though I undo myself, for in dweling over such thoughts for so long seems obsession, and that of which is a scarry thing. Yet it is not this way, it is not always on my mind. It is such a thing thst reacurs from time to time and due to my over anistalisy i entertain it while alone in my room stairing at a blank screen or with my eyes closed, hands relaxed behind my head. Though this may be my own undoing, i fear if i dont get this out this will continue and time added to such a thing is not good. I wish somehow it will be resolved, weather for good or bad, yet I am too afraid to face it head on in fear of rejection, thus i hide as a coward in LJ. The events that have happened that i recite here have been my fault and my fault alone. One thing i will admit si my mistakes to all I have done, all I have hurt and all who worry.
I have realized these event have made me afraid and unsafe in my own mind in some situations. It has made me recluse around my the one clostest to me. I fear that if i advance in this area and it was incorrectly that I will have my heart broken once again, I just dont want to take that chance. It is my own undoing, it is my own burden, yet I pray to God for reslove.
Yes, God has been with my in all of this. He has given me comfort in my hardships. He has been there when i see something that moves me to cry for the mistakes i have made and he has told me "Hush now child, Its gonna be ok." He has been the rock I stand on even more so in these tough times, for i realize Him more and more each day and week. I am glad for one among many things of what has happend in that fall, and that is for the youth group i atend. Had i not been brought into this youth group, it is very possible, showed the things ive face this year, that I would have faultered in God. That would be to me a far, far greater thing to happen than what petty things have happend in my life this year. I pray Lord, please be with me and all of the people out there as they struggle through hard times, no matter how trivial of extreme the matter may be, help them and guid them. In the Lord Jesus name I pray Amen.
These have been the events of my life this past year. IM sure those of you who read it will be able to think of much worse problems you have survived than mine, for i know mine are trivial. Yet in a world secluded to my room most days, by my own lack of reaching out, I have not much opertunity for drama. This though I am happy of, for i have heard much worse, and I am sure there is much worse to hear that is not spoken. I like to think the first step of recocling this, of course, was giving it to God which i beliive i have done, and the second step is giving it to the public, the ones i have hurt may they forgive me as well.
A note to the future, to you, and to everyone else,
sincerly,
Jon Owen.